Module 3 - Chapter 11...

This chapter definitely starts out with a bang, talking about how to access your body's knowledge.  As Lissa says she spends most of her time in her head, thinking.  I know I do the same thing as is ultra evident from the fact that I'm not very physically active and that I often forget to do things like slow down, eat, and resist sleeping...
1.  How often do you notice the quality of your breathing?  Right now, are you aware if it's shallow, deep, relaxed, short, or choppy?  Take a deep breath and see.
Honestly I don't even notice it.  In fact I know for a fact from past experience that I often forget to breathe, particularly if I tense up or am concentrating too hard.  I know in turn this makes my body work harder and less efficiently.  I also know that breath (like water) is vital to the body.  When I take the time to actively focus on my breathing I know I tend to try to breathe deeply and evenly.
2.  How often do you consciously pause from what you are doing to take a few deep, full, relaxing breaths?
Never.
3.  How often do you scan your body to connect you with how you are really feeling?  For example, do you check to see if your belly is relaxed or if your shoulders are crunched, if your jaw and hands are relaxed, etc.?
I honestly don't notice much until it leads to discomfort, then it's an after thought and I realize that I must have been tense or slouching or something like that.  I am very ungrounded in the physical it seems.  I can also definitely say I ignore or "put off" many of my body's functions.  When I'm hungry, but working I often put off stopping or taking a break because "I just want to finish" and I know that stopping will make it take longer.  Sometimes I'll do this to the point where I tax myself and become overly tired or feel sick because I'm so hungry.  I do not make my body and how it feels a priority. :(
4.  When you feel an uncomfortable sensation, pain or emotion in your body, is your tendency to tune into it for a length of time and listen to what it may be telling you, or do you ignore or try to get ride of the feeling immediately?
I won't say I ignore it, but I may not notice something until it's a problem.  I know that at the point that I am noticing it there is no just making it go away so I usually sit with it a little bit realizing whatever may be the likely cause.  Like I have had a tooth hurting lately and I believe it's because I'm tensing my jaw without realizing it, putting too much pressure on that tooth (which isn't normal for the way one's jaw is supposed to sit).  I have yet to catch myself doing the tensing but I'm sure that's what it is.
5.  Would you say you have a body-friendly vocabulary, or do you say things like, "I could just kick myself for doing that," "That guy gives me a headache," or, "This job makes me sick and is a big pain in the neck"?  Might you say even harsher things like, "I hate my body"?  If you do, are you aware of when and how often you say them, or is it an unconscious habit?
I don't have a body-friendly vocabulary, but since I've moved away from certain things in my life it's "not as bad" as it used to be I think.  I try to focus more on the positive so I try to dwell less on anything unpleasant or if I express it I try to not do so repeatedly.  I don't really think about these words though when I use them.
6.  Are you aware of how congruent your words and body language are?  Do you notice when  your mouth is saying one thing and your body is communicating something completely different?  When y you're telling others how you're doing, do you stop to notice how you're actually feeling?  Do you act "fine" - or even cheerful - even when your stomach is nervous, your chest is tight, or your jaw is clenched?
Usually not, but I do tend to give people certain answers when I may want to be left alone or don't feel well to hurry them off because I do not wish to discuss with them whatever is bothering me.
7.  When you make big or even small decisions, do you take a moment to consult with how your body feels before you decide, or do you just use your mind?  Do you check in with what you're feeling in your gut or heart?
I can honestly say usually no.  But if I "get a bad feeling" about something I try to pay attention to it and if I proceed I do so cautiously.  Most of those feelings though are in my head not elsewhere, though I have gotten an upset tummy when I was emotionally concerned about the outcome of something (that resulted in a near friendship ending argument).  I also think that learning to tune in personally will help me to help others do this and be a better medical intuitive.
8.  On a scale of one to ten, how comfortable do you generally feel in your own skin?  How consciously connected are you to your body, its signals, posture, habits, and the messages that is broadcasts?
I really see most things as an afterthought and after that it's "too late" and I just kind of have to wait for it to subside.  But I know I'm very tense a lot of the time, constantly maintaining poor posture and while I try to remember to fix these things by relaxing and sitting properly - they're such long standing habits that it's much easier to forget to do what I need to do than to remember.
I think I have a very low to medium body quotient.  I'm not 100% oblivious to these things but I notice much of them after the fact when I can't correct the issue because it's too late and already happened.  I need to learn to pay better attention, especially as a healer.  While I don't need to be "perfect" it's a better idea for me to model what I would suggest to someone else.  It puts faith in what I'm saying and shows the benefits versus being hypocritical and not practicing what I preach.
I know I have one of Louise Hay's books, but I definitely want to get the one suggested if it's not what I have.  I find her connections between the emotions and the body very interesting.
I definitely want to include the concept of "having a conversation with your body" into my practice as well.
Playwork:  Take the Elevator Down
When I did this exercise I went through and for wants thought about everything I basically wanted in my life.  I want to be enriched and fulfilled, doing work I love and making money.  I want to heal and help other heal, I want to sell all of my art and works and make more and sell more and so on.
When I "felt" my body I noticed that I was calm, I was breathing evenly, and sitting with good posture.  I didn't feel any tightness or tension as I though about these things, I felt no nervousness or doubt or worry or pressure.  Just a quiet contentment and small inward smile at having these things.


As a friend commented today after we had a long talk (mostly me talking) I need to focus more on me.  Reflecting on what she said I admitted to her (and myself) that I rarely think about me.  While I'm an integral part of the equation I never bother with nurturing or working with myself.  I immediately rush to do everything for everyone and everything outside of myself.  Doing this drains me because I take nothing in and I never replenish myself or my stores of energy in any other way.  Because of this it becomes harder and harder to do anything and I become bitter, angry, and upset.  Eventually I crack, I have to "go away" and retreat because otherwise there'll be nothing left of me to give to anyone, including myself.
I think I need to be gentler with myself and my stores of energy.  And that I need to be more mindful of the stress and effort I'm putting out.  If I can't do something, or am not sure of the time I can do something in I need to learn to say no.  If I don't have the time or desire to do it - if I'm not "on fire" to do something and it really feels like a bother or a strain, I need to say no.  Should I deny bothering to help anyone else with anything?  I don't think so because I like to help others and I would want to be helped.  But I don't need to go needlessly out of my way all the time.  And I do need to take time to put forth as much effort for myself as for anyone else.
Secret Sauce Writing Exercises

• Let Your Body Write You a Letter...

Dear Alana,
I hurt.  I'm stressed and you're putting too much pressure on me.  You're holding onto things you need to release and you know it.  I came about when you were working in the beginning and I visit from time to time but always when you're overly stressed.  But you don't "sit with me" you just complain and lament that I came to visit and never take the time to understand WHY I dropped by.  Eventually I go away because you sort of get the point and you lay off a bit, but for the fact that I continue to "pop up" it's obvious that you haven't learned what you were supposed to yet.  I'm really one-sided too and that is also a sign that you need to be more balanced.  Taking a load off, being gentle with yourself, and acknowledging your limitations is not a flaw - it's healthy.  Embrace me, work to understand me, and realize that I will only go away when you learn what I'm trying to tell you and work on it.
Not so lovingly,Your left shoulder...
To be completely honest at first I thought that letter would be a little silly, but as I unfetteredly opened myself up to what it had to say I realized just how out of tune I am and how right that pain/discomfort is.

• Create your own radical self-care plan...

It's funny that this was brought up since I literally just drafted some of my thoughts (see bottom) about this.  While I'm not ready/able to start this self-care just yet having some ideas about it helps.


As Lissa mentions performing radical self-care can be hard when we go to try and manifest our dreams.  We get so caught up in trying to "do" that we forget to "be" and neglect our bodies and the messages they are trying to tell us.  I know this all too well for even now as we speak I am keeping myself up, even when I should have gone to bed 25 minutes ago.  Instead of honoring the limitation I set to get to bed at midnight I'm pushing past it.  In my case tonight though I'm not tired and in fact went to sleep several times during the day due to being upset and feeling on the desire to sleep.  I spent my waking time on the phone talking to girlfriends and my other half's mom venting and putting out there some of the things that are bothering me.
However, most other times when I'm tired or at least "should" go to bed I push past, I embrace my insomnia (and help make it worse) and do not honor myself.  I sit eating snacks and chugging soda (something I literally just did) ignoring the fact that if I'm really hungry I should try a healthier snack to nourish my body, maybe even take a break and relax while I do it.
Now I come to Lissa's suggestion of a radical self-care program.  The first thing says to get rid of refined sugar and "junk".  Honestly I balk at this.  I don't want to.  I am okay with eating it, and generally I don't eat that much of it.  In my pregnancy I've been naughty and indulged myself but usually I don't allow myself more than one soda can or glass a day.  When I need sweets I go for 100% juice or fruits and while I may have some "junky sweets" I usually limit myself to one a day with those as well.  Today not so much.  I've been self-soothing with junk because I'm upset and generally being a "lazy bug".  Another balking is not having the means to do a juice cleanse and wondering how it will affect my baby and milk production.  While I'm sure that junk isn't good for baby I don't know that abstaining from certain things without getting those nutrients elsewhere is a good thing.  So much so that I actually just messaged Lissa to ask her about it.  While I would like to cleanse my body - as I'm sure it's full of junk in general just from years of being poorly cared for - I'm not sure I'm ready to just "jump in" and I'd want to do so the "right" way versus without careful thought.
I'm very heartened as I continued to read and Lissa goes on to say that it's okay to not do it perfectly and that making one's own "radical self-care" goals is best.  While I would still like to start out with hers, it's to give me inspiration and gumption to make my own.  But some thoughts come to mind about what I'd like to include:

• Read something inspirational everyday (either right in the morning or before bed - but anytime works!)
• Refrain from negative attitudes and their expression (arguing, criticizing, nitpicking, etc.)  If you feel the undying urge to commit one of these things take a mental step back think about why, question whether it's worth it (realize it's not), and let it go.
• Make peace with being able to do what you can do in a day.  If it doesn't all get done everyday it's okay, there's time later.
• Exercise.  If it's just your morning yoga, so be it.  If you don't feel up to real movement at least stretch, and sit with your body releasing any tension or tightness.
• Drink water between meals.
• Take your vitamins.
• Only 1 soda/junk food a day (if that).
• Journal.
• Meditate - ideally morning and evening.
• Take a break - 15 minutes to 1 hour - to just be.  You can relax, sit quietly, read or do whatever.
• Spend time outside, weather permitting.

That's all I have for now, but I think I will definitely be altering parts of it and start with Lissa's suggestions.

Thinking carefully I've decided that while I don't wish to go vegetarian or vegan.  Taking some excess out of my diet and getting it back to where I would like it (limiting non-healthy snacks, sticking mostly to fruits when I want something sweet, and drinking more water) will be best for me and make me happy.  I've also decided that while I don't want to go full throttle, doing a cleanse at least once a year (maybe more depending on how I feel about it) would be great and would be something that I'd like to do for myself for my birthday.  (That makes the date far enough away to allow me to possibly gather together money to buy what I need to perform.)

Having laid down and eventually sleeping on it (but also stressing and being angry about some personal issues due to my other half being incognito from 10 pm to 2 am without any explanation of what, where, or why) I think that undergoing a cleanse wouldn't be a bad idea, even if I only do it periodically.  While this first run I think I'll do around/on my birthday (because I need time to get money to buy what I need and find some things) I might do it on the Equinoxes & Solstices from that point on depending on how I feel about the first "run".

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 10...

To be totally honest, I can't believe I'm this far along.  I can believe I've gotten through 2 whole modules or the amount that I've written.  But it's there, it's done, and I can't say it didn't happen when I look at my blog's archives.  I still feel a bit held back though.  I recognize a lot of old unnecessary patterns that I'm still maintaining, but I can much better see them than before.  And while I still have a picture of my dreams, I'm realizing it's not as crystal clear as I thought it was at first - but that means I can break out the Windex, clean the glass and clarify it.

I am worthy!

I am valuable!

I am enough!

I am sparkly!

I am abundant!

I am generous!

I am influential!

I am powerful!

I am beautiful!

(just the way I am)

I am Whole!

Affirmations are definitely something I believe in, but like with a lot of things I tend to forget to do them...oops.

When Lissa talks about the 10 sure fire signs you're getting in your own way I smile to myself because I know it's these things that got me into the course.  I knew and saw myself doing a lot of these things on a daily basis.  And while it wasn't apparent until it was pointed out, now that I have seen it I'm amazed just at how much I was really stopping myself from accomplishing - even though I consider myself to be a fairly productive person!


1.  You procrastinate.

I definitely think this is something I'm famous for.  I put more on my plate than I can handle and make limited headway in anything because I have "just too much" to do.  But the only reason I have that much to do is because I keep piling things up without getting more done and before I've even gotten a chunk of it out of the way.  One thought would be to write everything down I want/need to get done and then pick a few things to work on every day or week and just make headway little by little.  With my projects and pieces for my businesses, and even with the tasks for each, I've done a bit of this already and I see that while it may not satisfy the work-a-holic in me, I have marked off a number of projects off my mountainous list just in keeping to this practice.  (Add into this a need to forgive myself for not being "perfect" to my schedule, and that it's okay if I only get to one thing or do only a little bit - it is something and I should be grateful for whatever amount I get done period!)

2.  You're forgetful.

I know I can vouch for this one.  I keep so much on my plate, on my to do list, and want do get so much done that it's hard to remember it all.  The simple solution seems to be to write it down.  However, I seem to lose those lists too or forget about them.  Or not check them, or if I do...I see how much I have to do and it gets overwhelming and I feel like I'll "never" get through it all.

3.  You avoid making tough decisions.

I don't think I avoid them in the conventional way - with having no intention of ever making them - but rather definitely question myself on them.  While I may not know something about how to accomplish a task I don't necessary find out the best way, or I don't know how to, and so I make whatever decision and then wonder if I should have.  I may put off making a decision saying to myself I need to make an informed decision - but I never take the time to do what I need to to inform myself properly.  (This goes hand in hand with my procrastination and forgetfulness.)

4.  You keep conjuring negative outcomes.

I know for a fact that I do this.  As a major worry-wart I freak out about everything jumping to sometimes wild and really outlandish assumptions.  However, they never seem that outlandish and even if they're several jackrabbit leaps away from where I am...I worry.  Not having experience with what I may be trying to do makes it worse because I never can tell whether a delay is normal or due to something having gone wrong.  I don't want to trust that everything will go smoothly once it's out of my hands and I don't expect that anyone can or will do as good a job as I'd like about it because I think to myself, well this is my dream not theirs so they won't put forth as much effort.

5.  You surround yourself with people who get in your way, instead of people who lift you up.

I know a lot of people in my life who are needy and unsupportive of my path and many of them have been loved ones.  On one hand I don't know how I have so many people who are like that, or needy or whatever.  But then again as a healer, counselor, and caretaker it's not surprising that I am attracting these people.   I don't mean to and while I don't know how it started I think that maybe now the expectation that I will attract these type of people encourages it to keep happening... :(

6.  You tell yourself you don't have the time.

I'm not sure that it's really that I don't have time per se.  But that I've put off doing what I need to do to make my dreams come true.  I put everyone else first and have lots of obligations to get things done that seem to always come first and before whatever I need or want.  Now at this point I have so much to do it feels like I'll never get it all done to "make things happen"...

7.  You lose patience - with yourself and others.

I definitely see myself do this one a lot.  I want things done and usually "now".  I know I get impatient when someone is supposed to be "doing something for me" and they don't get around to it, especially when I don't know that they did or didn't do whatever.  I have seen my frustration in action when my day starts off poorly and it causes me to snap at my dog or otherwise not feel like doing anything.  Which in turn has me feeling even more icky as I beat myself up for getting "nothing" done, or at least "not enough" done.

8.  You make excuses.

My perfectionism seems to go hand in hand with this one.  I want things done just so and if I can't do them that way I can tend towards not doing them at all :(.  Then there is the schedule I've put myself on.  While it's given me a very good grasp of my time and how long things really take I tend towards wanting to do everything on it everyday "perfectly" so when I fall short because I got up late or took longer than the time I allot for something it can be discouraging.  I need to view the schedule as an ideal and a guideline, rather that wrote law.

9.  You suffer from overwhelm paralysis.

I know I talked about dealing with this earlier.  That since I have put off things for so long the tasks just pile up more and more to a point where it's like I have "the Great Wall of China" to get done as far as my tasks.

10.  You tell yourself you can't.

Again I think this one likes to go along with several others mentioned here, which makes them all ultimately harder to deal with because even when it seems you get over one part of the problem, another part crops up!

Continuing on with my reading for this chapter the first suggestion to get out of your own way and ditch the limiting/false beliefs is to "create sacred space"...As a Pagan and a very spiritual person I know all about what sacred space is...but as I look around my home I notice that there isn't any for me anymore.  There are just piles and piles and...dare I say it, more piles.  I have several places that I *could* establish some sacred space but with my procrastination, fear, doldrums, tiredness & fatigue ruling my life I've seriously let it slide by the way side.  I don't even remember the last time I did something really spiritually oriented for myself...It's definitely time to change that...

But even as I feel myself making that resolution I balk a little bit.  We have a combined living/dining/kitchen area, tiny bathroom area that is combined with the public laundry area, and then the bedroom which is a lesson in clutter in and of itself.  HOW am I going to find room to have anything sacred or nice?  And don't even get me started on the fact that we have a baby on the way - quite literally due to "pop out" at any time now and I have to keep our space - limited as hell as it is - baby safe as well...

While I could blame a good deal of the clutter on my other half, (as his areas are the worst with piles), mine are bad too and partially for the same reason...piling + procrastination.  I think the best bet is to ultimately make my home (at least this room) my sacred space altogether.  But to do it in little bits.  Trying to tackle the entire room and everything in it will be too much and likely cause me to give up.  But taking 15 minutes a day to "tidy" up one area at a time will do wonders, and make me feel better...

As always I'm amazed by the affect of what 15 steady minutes of work will do in decluttering.  Since I last wrote here I have cleared off my "work table" (which was becoming a study in piling as well as holding my project pieces) and moved the projects I'm working on now over to my desk area and the project area over there.  Put the table away, cleared out under it and while I have admittedly made a few piles they are smaller and merely set as reminders of ... next time I declutter I need to put this away somewhere.  Now the room is looking more open again and I'm several steps closer to having my space be sacred again!  *big smile*

It's also funny how once I get started with my decluttering it's easy to keep it going.  So far all I have left is finishing my hour of personal reading (which I'm doing now) and then 15 minutes of rest & relaxation!  While it may have taken me into the next day it's done and I'm feeling all the better that I was able to get so much done!

As I'm reading through Lissa's musings on where she finds the peace she needs to open herself up to making positive change (outside in Nature and near Big Sur) I laugh as I continue reading and she comes to mention that one's home environment should be free of clutter too...I laugh because that was the first place I went to mentally as my sanctuary.  While I relish being out in Nature and among the wilds I often find myself cooped up, inside, or "too busy" to connect anymore.  I can also say that as a result of this need to feel busy my life has become more and more complicated it seems.  Funny how those things seem to go hand in hand...

She also mentions that you should make space in all areas of your life - including your schedule.  Just earlier I was reflecting at my lack of motivation lately (which we'll chalk partially up to nearing the end of my pregnancy and me trying to get in some rest while I can).  My schedule is busy to the brim - but as a result more of timing things and giving myself space to do what I feel I need to do everyday at home and at work.  However I'm sure to others it looks like I just am keeping busy, most of it is easy maintenance (for home stuff) and necessary to dos (like hygiene).  And for those work things I have to do - it's steady progress to allow me to not have to do those things anymore (I really don't need 5 hours of project time everyday, but when I have nearly 80 projects unfinished those 5 hours mean I can lessen that load.)

Another reflection...right now its 3 am...and I'm wide awake and I feel energized.  And I'll bet that a large part of it stems from me having a feeling of accomplishment and reduced stress because I have gotten through my list for "today"...

More reflections...Lissa refers to what I would likely call the Ego (the fear-based thought creator) as the Gremlin.  I think of The Secret and how it goes on that holding feelings of lack and other negativities hold one back from manifesting one's desires.  While I agree with the Law of Attraction I can really see how that book falls short on helping people.  There's a lot more work, a step-by-step process even to getting through these blocks and while The Secret skims over some ideas on how, nothing really goes in depth enough to help someone who may not know how to proceed or is so inundated with their negative thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.

Lissa's advice to "disassociate" from the Gremlin is ground breaking.  Really, it's not rocket science, but it's the key.  I know that it's too easy to hear the Gremlin sound just like you, and people you care about and respect.  But the truth is those who love, respect, and care about you in reality want you to have your dreams, they want you to succeed, and they only want to support you.  However, we're all programmed in this society to see everything as obligatory.  You have to have a steady mainstream job, liking your job isn't an option, doing what you love is for dreamers...  These thoughts infest your mind and the minds of others so that they can't see the reality of the situation - that life is how you perceive it to be and what you make of it.  If you think it's all about the dollar, then that's all it's about.  So what I find helpful is to imagine this silly little Gremlin (ironically enough much like the nasty creatures from Gremlins) with it's mockingbird voice, imitating people I will listen to - including myself.  Seeing and associating that mental image helps me to see that it isn't really the Souls of these beings wishing me ill but a Pretender.  And that makes it that much easier to dismiss.

Self-worth is definitely an issue.  Hearing so many times that what one wants and desires is "folly" or "not worth any time" really can take a toll on those dreams.  It makes you feel stupid for having them, and question your very nature for having them...

I believe noticing that your Gremlin is in your corner secretly (or not so secretly) rooting for you and catching it in the act may be the hardest part of this task.  When it's obvious it's easy to spot, and much easier to deal with - but when the Gremlin sounds like familiar voices and even yourself...or even a disembodied thought that you take as your own you will run into trouble.  Definitely question the truth of the statements and accusations made is key to dispelling them - as that's part of the approach Wayne Dyer gives in dealing with excuses (which many of these negativities spouted by our Gremlins resemble).  If there's a shadow of a doubt that's enough to help break apart the fear.

When I think about it my Ego/Gremlin doesn't care about me.  It only wants to keep existing, keep itself like a parasite firmly rooted in my mind.  Thinking outside of the box and joyfully and manifesting my true desires doesn't suit the Gremlin because it proves it wrong.  Being compassionate with myself is likely to be very difficult because inwardly I critique myself so harshly.  I know my abilities, have seen myself get things done and hold that I should always get the same amount done all the time.  What this doesn't take into consideration is that sometimes I'm tired or sick or things come up.  I have no remorse for myself with these things and say to myself, "Well you're capable you should be able to handle it all..."  The reality - everyone needs a break and to rest.

Part of my struggles are internal and center around some habits I have that while they may have served before may or may not now.  I keep thinking of my schedule.  Everyone tells me I have "too much to do".  But to me setting it up like this allows for me make a little headway everyday on the "piles" I've let accumulate through the years.  Before "now" I haven't made a real effort to get these things done so I've made little or no progress on them at all.  This has ultimately led to me having a ridiculous amount of things to do so the only way to get through these things now is to DO them.

I have to laugh a bit when I see mention of releasing rituals.  Already there has been one mentioned and it's brought up again, with allusion to others later, that of burning away things.  I know how to do this - I know to do this, and yet I forget or just don't think about it.  It's amazing the power we take away from ourselves when we forget who/what we are...

It's funny to me that Lissa mentions that what she originally thought OwningPink.com would be and what it turned out to be are not the same.  The "getting out of your business' way" definitely strikes a chord with me. For me I have two businesses and on the surface they don't seem overly linked but at the heart they are.  However, one thing I seem to struggle with is defining my store.  I can tell you some of the things I sell based on what I make, but really and truly I don't have a nice pretty sentence to describe it.  Like me it is a number of things and that proves a definite difficulty in making it clear "what it is I do".  Part of me strives to be able to clearly answer that question, but when I say, "I make art & sell it" that falls far short of what I am really doing.  It leaves me in a definite rift because while being specific will answer the question it'll also unanswer the question.  Yes I make art, but that's soooooo broad.  I don't paint on canvases, I don't do sculpture.  Those are bits of art but not mine.  I like functional art - and while everything I make may not be functional for everyone a good bit of it is.  But some of my stuff is just inspired...I got an idea, thought it was neat and ran with it.  What about those things?  Then there is the large "Pagan" element to my store.  What about those things?  Again some of it is art, some is functional, some is just inspired.  I try to pinpoint it again and feel I'm missing something critical...

"Follow the YES"  Definitely good advice :)!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• Where does the energy in your life seem to flow right now?  What comes easily?  What feels effortless?

I guess maybe just getting started.  While I have episodes of being "too tired to want to do anything", I was able to make a schedule and mostly stick to it.  My schedule serves the purpose of "clearing the clutter" and keeping me on track at the same time.  I have trouble managing my time because I'll get into a mode and just do one thing to the detriment of all else (eg stay in the pjs all day playing with yarn).  While the focus is okay it ultimately doesn't help to just do one thing all day.  It usually leaves me sick and tired of doing that one thing and then I desperately want a break and I put it away forgetting about it because I "overdid it".

I think my art and working on it - or doing healing work/research comes the most easy to me.  Which is great since those are the fields I wish to work in.  Even when I work all day with those things I don't necessarily feel that I was "working" (in a negative sense).

• Where are you finding roadblocks?  Where does it feel like you're pushing too hard?

My motivation wanes a lot, and not with anything in particular.  Sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything.  It's not that I don't have things to do, or even that I want want to do them - it's a lack of energy and will to do them.  I know I feel this a lot when it comes to exercising.  I know it's good for me but to get myself to do it...it's damn near impossible.  And even after when I feel better for doing it I still fight with it.  I'm not sure why.  The only other obvious roadblocks would be my "limited success" with my businesses.  But I think that's stemming from me not putting myself out there enough and not putting forth all the effort I could/should be for my dreams to manifest.  I mean since when has "half-assing it" ever really paid off?

• What insights does this bring to you?  Is the Universe trying to tell you anything?  Might you shift your focus in some way?

That I need to find out what saps my motivation.  As Michelle mentioned in the group when I said something about it - she tries to sit with it and understand her resistance rather than fight with it.  I know that I either fight it and lose or just give up because I figure I'll just lose anyhow so why bother.  But she's right, it's a much better idea (and as a healer I know this and hold this to be true yet I forget when it comes to me...) to understand something before you dismiss or change it.  Many times having perspective on an issue turns it around completely and makes a huge difference and can even dispel it.

• What do you need to release in order to move forward?

I really cannot help but laugh about this as I read it.  Today on the forum there was a lot of talking about pain and release and healing etc.  It came to my mind the argument I had yesterday and the hurtful and hateful things that came out, how it made me feel and the realization that while I may have progressed with some issues I had not fully healed them all and some were much more tender than I'd realized.  I think the most succinct way to answer this question is that I need to release my anger, "upsetness", and taking offense to certain things in my past.  I long had struggled with the thought that I might be "crazy" to the point where I would flip out if anyone seriously implied it of me.  I also have issues about "feeling stupid", "not good enough" or otherwise like what I do/want/am is a "waste of time".  The reality is that what I feel is most important.  If it's important to me, who cares if it means nothing to anyone else.  If I know that I am capable and good at even one thing I'm really not stupid.  I may not know something about a given subject or be what others would call "intellectual" but that is their definition not mine and I don't need to define myself by the standards of others, only my own.  Which should be self-derived rather than based on the status quo.  The hardest part will not be in deciding what I need to let go, but in the letting go.

• What practical steps might you take to begin this release process?

The first step, always I think, is acknowledgement/realization of the issue.  I spoke with my friend Angel today and she suggested a methodology that involved looking at the things that upset or anger you and realizing that you are making the decision to allow these things to do this and thusly you can make the decision for them not to.  I think trust is key here.  That realizing the most important opinion about me is my own and that I was put here to be me and only me and no one else can do that but me is also important.  Realizing that while the person may or may not mean it personally, it's their Ego (fear & anger...etc) talking not their Higher Self.  So really it's just surface stuff.  I think doing a physical release ritual will also help to bolster the movement from this kind of thinking along, but in the end making and sticking with these conscious decisions will be the best bet.

Today (June 2) I got angry...and with that anger came all the mean and discouraging voices the Gremlin takes on.  All the fears, worries, and judgments came to the surface of my mind and spewed forth like hot acid seeming to devour my lovely marshmallow dreams.  Even though I know these thoughts and listening to them doesn't serve me "making them go away" is still hard.  They're so familiar, and even bedmates of mine you could say, so I don't initially think twice when I hear them.  I just sullenly hang my head, tears in my eyes trying to keep my lip from quivering...

What's funny about this is as it asked what you need to let go.  I immediately think of my ex, who did nothing but hold me back.  He was never truly supportive of who and what I was and only "pretended" to be.  The moment there was an argument he went and said how I was "wasting my time" and that my business "would never make money".  These echoed the sayings of my mother and today even I had some of the same from my current.  It honestly shook me to my core.  Even though I have a volatile temper I don't like confrontation, and I shy away from physical violence and a lot came up today - in the form of storming out, bad memories, and painful reflections.  I realize that I'm still holding on to the horrible things that have been said to me and letting them rule my reactions.  Instead of taking into perspective that things may merely be said in anger and the people saying them may not understand even what they're talking about or how their words affect me.

I realize that part of me trying to get away from that was breaking up with my ex.  He was so negative about everything all the time.  He never saw anything positive and never encouraged me.  Now my situation with my current isn't the same, but the stresses he's enduring and that are around us both are causing each of us to bring out the worst in one another.  I don't think that this relationship is "doomed to fail" but there are definitely some changes that need to be made.  And some realizations that need to be put into perspective.

Playwork:  A Release Ritual

I think this will be helpful, as I said earlier the physical work will bolster the mental work.  While I've tried things similar to this before I don't think I really put the effort into it that I will be now.  While I'll do this ritual merely by myself right now, inviting my other half and some close friends to do it with me at some point would be good I think.

I did the ritual, and the one suggested about money/abundance in the suggested reading and I feel good.  It was also fun to watch my "issues" go up in the smoke as the flame danced across and devoured the paper.  I think that whenever I have an issue I'm going to start implement candle/fire magick - which is what this is akin to - to help me more physically release it.

*An interesting aside - for my abundance exercise the candle has gone out 2x already.  As a Witch to me this is a sign that there is a LOT blocking the energy which is what is extinguishing the candle.  But I'm not going to give up - I'll keep lighting it until it burns all the way.  But I will Reiki the candle to help me release blockages...*


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!