I started over, having not visited this chapter in awhile, and I am realizing something. A major roadblock I am facing, have been facing, and seem to continue to face is that - I don't know what I want. Or at least I can't bring myself to say it. I don't know why. Maybe it stems from years of not having the opportunity to say what I want. Perhaps I just don't know how. I see this as the major halting structure in my manifestation and yet I don't understand it. But I can't manifest anything if I don't express what it is I want to.
I sit here and I realize that I don't think I've ever given myself permission to do what I want to do. Everything I've done has been about others and what needed to be done. So now I come to the threshold, the point at which I must truly declare my desires in the here and now and I choke...I hold back because I don't even know the sound of my own voice. I couldn't recognize it if I tried.
I lost it when I was a little girl,
I couldn't tell now where to find it.
I wouldn't recognize it for the world,
I'm now so far behind it.
Meekly it comes, but a whispering word
like a faint breeze scented with flowers.
A stranger to me, it is you see
but a ghost that's wandered for hours.
One day it will come for that is my hope
and joyfully we'll embrace.
For such will be the time when I can happily say,
"This I know is my place."
^ "Voice"
It's funny that I should battle with this as I am for now I come to it. Once I finally can speak out loud what I want I'm going to have to release it. This makes me giggle in a nervous sort of way just because a part of me is thinking, "O well why even bother saying it if you're going to give up?" But I know that's just the gremlin dancing around in my head wearing a mask that looks like me and using a voice emulator and faking it. I know for me that giving it up to Goddess is one of the things I've had a hard time doing. I've got to say that I don't know that I've ever been able to really do it, for precisely the reasons Lissa struggles with it. I've got that need and desire to control and make things happen, which trumps allowing.
I think that part of the solution to my problem will be really using my voice. Literally putting it out there and doing so every morning. If that means talking to myself and feeling like a nut, so be it. Practice makes awesome!
Secret Sauce Writing Exercise: Letter to the Divine
Dear Universe,
Hey, it's me. I know we don't talk to often but I just wanted to throw some ideas out there to ya. I have a coupla dreams I want to manifest and I could sure use your help. Not only in putting them out there but bringing them to pass. Mind you, if you've got other plans, bigger and better by all means bring 'em on but I wanted you to know what I was thinking just in case we're in cahoots.
I think it'd be pretty swell if Faith Works took off. I'd get orders every week, sell my stock and get requests for more, come up with new ideas and have all the time and energy I needed to put my best foot forward. Faith Works would pay the bills with PhoenixFlame Healing Center and I'd be working full time between the two. I'll have my nursing education going and finished in no time along with all the other training I'm looking forward to in massage therapy, yoga, zumba, bellydance, and herbalism. Starting and developing my practice, integrating arts & crafts with beauty and wholeness and healing are just around the corner. And I know I have your support to manifest these dreams or better!
Thanks for the ear, you're terrific - as you well know!
Your favorite poster child for awesomeness,
Laney
I think I need to practice speaking what I want, and even if I can't get a person to listen to me, I can listen to myself, I can address the Universe and I can have my guides and the God & Goddess witness my declarations.
It's time to put it out there, and I need to trust in what I say now, because it doesn't have to be everything just what comes to mind.
I want...Faith Works to make money, to get into nursing school in 2013, to get the training in massage therapy/yoga/bellydance/zumba/herbalism to support my holistic practice, to have my driver's license reinstated for only 145.00, to be able to drive to work and anywhere else I wish to go, to have a social life, to live in a nice house with my family, to have a steady client following in my healing center, to have several students for my healing center, to work with other artists and healers to create things, to trim down my lower abs and firm them up for the summer, to have the money for college for my entire education, an honorable discharge, to fix my credit.
I want these things so I can be happy, feel that things are taken care of and not worry about whether I am doing what I need to do and be able to pursue my purpose.
Again I feel myself resonating with Lissa as she talks about being the captain of her life and everything in it all the time. I couldn't agree more with the statement about not trusting others to do as good a job as I would (or would want).
The last bit of reading Lissa puts out there is amazing and it's got me all contemplative. I needn't say more.
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