M1 - C1: I feel you, love

I can definitely attest to that lingering sadness Lissa mentions.  The resignedness you gain when you feel like you've been trapped for too long and its just time to give up.

Having permission to be me is powerful for me, because in my world that's never really been an option.  While I've been myself here and there I wouldn't say I'm practiced at it.  Lissa goes on to express her own childhood big dreams.  While I won't say mine were quite as big, they were in essence what she is getting at: happily ever afters, a career I love, a family and all the trappings...That strange vagueness of that statement I think I've held onto and not going forward to clarify it any further has held me back from achieving anything I see as I reflect now.

Feeling like its too late has always been a huge fear of mine.  I can say honestly its why I'm so impulsive in some of my actions.  I can recall one time when I was much younger that I had the biggest crush on this cute boy.  I never got the chance to tell him and the next year we moved.  I never saw him again and for years I'd have dreams about if only I'd've told him.  Its haunted me since then.  So I made up my mind very young that I never wanted to feel that way ever again.  But old habits die hard and sometimes I get so scared of being ridiculed, judged, and just laughed at that I balk at leaping with whatever decision.

I have to laugh at the mention of the romance novel...while I'm not ashamed at reading them I definitely am a fan even in lieu of the company of people (eg I'd rather be reading than talking to someone...)

While I'm a good decade behind Lissa in making my realizations the timeline she gives is no less true, neither is the fact that I gave up my dreams to be something more acceptable to other people.

This couldn't peg my life more if she had stepped into the room with me...

Dreaming hurts you. Because it makes you want something you fear you just can’t have. So you’re better off just getting up in the morning, going to work, making dinner, washing that beer glass, reading your romance novel, and falling asleep every night. At least that way, you won’t feel worse than you already do.

I mean just wow.  While I don't mind reading my romance novel, I would definitely prefer to have the romance in real life.  And dreaming definitely hurts when it just serves as a reminder of everything you feel you can never have.  Perhaps what's worst right now is that everyone around me seems to echo those internal fears, that I'm not worthy or deserving.

Again I hear her words echoing my own life.  Making decisions because I "ought to" and because it was expected of me.  Laying my dreams down on the sacrificial altar of the expectations of others just to feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I feel almost like I've been living a lie.  This horrible mantle I've worn I took on and perhaps the worst betrayal of all is the one of myself.  I dreamed of a happily ever after, of doing work I loved and while I didn't have certain specifics like the kind of house I'd live in or where, exactly how many kids I would have or what neighborhood I'd live in I did know one thing for sure - I would be happy.

I'm tired of settling and I wish I didn't feel like the only one.  It feels like such a lonely road...

I just started reading again so I could finish this chapter.  I'm almost in tears again thinking of how I have settled for so long, ignoring the hurt and pain of just accepting while I secretly dreamed & yearned for more. Feeling unspeakably guilty because I wasn't pursuing my soul's desire but not even knowing how...

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Introduction

As always I love Lissa's enthusiasm, it literally bleeds into everything she does and you can really tell the authenticity of her message by that.  I pause right now to write that that is definitely not something I do.  I believe I am authentic, but I believe its with a trusted few in an innermost circle of people.  I don't trust those I don't know to not judge me harshly.  Being highly sensitive their criticism is like sharp knives and makes me only want to retreat further in and away.

But I see the disservice this does me.  People "get the wrong impression" of me when I do something they think is "out of character" when really its just them seeing a deeper level they hadn't seen yet without warning.  The most marked place I see this is in romantic relationships.  Ever guarded it takes me a long time to open up to other people.  By the time they've been around me long enough to get to know the real me, they're used to the outer layers and don't want to accept anything deeper.

"When you keep heading in the wrong direction, you keep going where you don't want to go."

When Lissa talks about our brains being on autopilot I immediately thought of Wayne Dyer's books - Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life & Excuses Begone.  While I haven't finished either I can immediately see his messages hinted at.  For me I have been trying to succeed, trying to be happy, trying to do a whole helluva lot of things the same way I have always tried.  And thusly I keep getting the same result.  Big surprise...not.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" (Mary Oliver)

I want to be happy, I want to be authentic.  I want to be able to do and be who I am comfortably in my own skin while still meeting the demands of life.  I want to be free to embrace my dreams without the guilt of feeling the need to meet the status quo.  I want to prove "them" wrong and show them I can be me, not a sheep, and do just as good if not better than they did/are.  I want to help other people see this ability to leap, dive, dip, and fully embrace their own dreams.  I want to inspire, nurture, help, and coax those other fractured shells who may be too scared to take the plunge.

"Knowing who you really are is a vital first step towards getting out of your own way and leaping into your dreams."

Talk about loud and clear...I know for me this is one of the modules (Your Authentic Self) that I balked at last time.  At best I've only ever had a vague idea of what I wanted.  And I daresay this is partially why I didn't finish the course the first time.  When asked this question a part of me quails and shivers in reflexive fear.  I don't really know the answer, I never have, because I've never taken the time to ask and answer honestly.  In part I think I'm afraid to want and be who I want because I'll be judged as a loon, selfish, crazy, self-centered, stupid, deluded and a whole messa words that I don't much like.  I'm afraid because when and where I grew up that's just not how things worked.  You did what you were supposed to, you worked hard and for all your life nearly, and then at the end if you were lucky you could rest a bit.  You didn't do silly things like write that book you dreamed up, or take a vacation just to paint, start your own unique business with your own sass and style to it.

The second module which talks about your dreams is probably the next thing I'm afraid of.  If I can't show and share who I am, I certainly can't entrust my precious, fragile, and private dreams with someone else.  They'll think them silly, stupid, or unworthy of being spoken about and hearing that from anyone who cares about me will crush my heart.  So I'd rather just quietly keep them to myself...

Module three which talks about limiting beliefs might be the most important of them all.  I know I have a number of beliefs that relate to my authentic expression of both myself and my dreams.  But while I may be able to connect with who I am and what I want on a deep and resounding level, those gremlins that whisper nagging, negative thoughts in my ear constantly just pull me back and away trying to extinguish that inner pilot light that shines with awareness.

The fourth module was a really hard thing for me the first time around too.  And I think ultimately it was part of what made the whole journey so damned difficult.  I feel utterly unsupported in my life.  Now I can draw a few parallels as to why right off the bat.  Many people don't know me, they just don't.  They know things about me but they don't know the depth of my personality so when I get to those deeper onion layers they're "shocked" and surprised and not in a good way.  Because I never learned to connect with that part of myself or the dreams she has and only have ever held my limiting beliefs close to my heart the opinions of others have held too much sway over my life.  I've feared disappointing others and what they want for me so much that I have immediately relinquished my dreams without a second thought only to be bitter and upset about it later (even though it was a conscious decision.)

Making a plan, what she talks about in module five, is something I had a hard time with too.  Seriously the interconnectedness of all of these steps is such that you really have to work through them all, from scratch, to get the full benefit from the program.  If you don't know where you're going, you can't expect to get there.  So if you don't know what you want...planning a route there will just never happen in any way.  I know I struggle with these two sides alot.  In my case I have the vaguest ideas of the where.  Words that have vague meaning for me like "success" & "happiness".  But words that I never took the time to personally define.

I know last time I got to module six and I know I didn't quite finish it.  I want to say I started it and got through most of it...but after that I can't really recall what was going on in my life.  I know the "have faith" part is difficult for me.  Being so extremely Type A I want to make things happen.  Sometimes that's just not how things are supposed to play out because there is a deeper meaning in the wait, there's something better on the horizon, or something else like that.  And I know for a fact in stubbornly persisting with what you think you know, you'll only get disappointed.

Past Reflections:  (here's the part where I look at the last entry I did and reflect on what I thought then and what I think now)...

I have to laugh that I have cited the same quote about heading in the wrong direction. :D  Also while I know I started this course just a week or so before my son was born, I really can't recall anything else from that time in my life.  I know how I got the money, I know I got in on the early bird price (by the skin of my teeth too!)  But the rest of the reflections, about why I chose to take this particular leap had completely left my mind.

I mention my tattoo too which is incidentally resting right above my energetic power center (the Solar Plexus, along the bottom of my ribs) and I have to laugh at myself.  I chose that placement because I really didn't have anywhere else not spoken for, little did I know the implication of putting it there...it also reminds me that I really need to get back in shape, so I can show it off...

I brought up a reflection of how I feel about "the job I'm trained for" and still true as can be I feel that same way.  Since then I've gone to and left two companies that foster that work.  One I was fired from after a mental breakdown, the other I just passively stopped working for (I'm still employed technically, but I haven't took a case in forever so on that hand I'm really not.)  I know that that expression is a reflection of how I've lived my life in general.  I keep doing what others want, what they ask, and what I think they want because I "ought to" and I keep becoming resentful, unhappy, and embittered as a result.

When I started talking about module 1 I hint to what's causing my crisis now..."the moment someone else is added to the equation I start doing for them..."  Seriously that's precisely the problem right now.  I left one nasty, bad relationship where I had become a slave to what they wanted to do only to find myself in another one.  Only this time I resented it immediately, before it had even started to happen, so deep was my anger for the habit from the last time I'd been through it.  That very struggle between being me and being who someone wants has caused major psychological rifts in my life this time around.  While I still don't know why I do this I see it as a condition of failing in a relationship time, after time.

Looking through more of the things I had to say about the modules and thinking back to what I'm saying now...I see I have a lot more fear and trepidation this time around.  I instinctively feel that that is because I know I'm going to go that much deeper, be that much more authentic.

Having done the course once now I have a much better idea of what's going to happen.  I also have a greater confidence that I will be able to dive deeper and get even more out of the course than the first time I went through it.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Are You Ready Yet?

Seriously the procrastination monster roared in...busted the doors open wide and totally threw me off course.  And I let him.  While I mean to start this course like over a week ago somehow it hasn't happened.

There's this big whole huge fuss about 12/12/12.  Personally I can see it coming and going as any other day. As I read somewhere, the true one (12/12/1212) really only did happen once and won't happen again.  But in reality that abbreviation will happen again several more times, in fact every 100 years.  Chances are though we just won't be around to see it - but then again who knows?

To the task at hand.  Today is significant for me because of the level of crisis I find myself at.  When I first went through this course I didn't realize the change I would undergo.  In fact I even balked at some of the reading because I didn't feel I needed to re-think those areas of my life.  Now I can say I'm truly humbled because I did and I saw that as I went along.  For awhile, after several stops and starts I wondered if I should just start over.  My anal retentiveness wanted me to keep going however and not stop until it was done before I re-started.  Really all this did was hold me back, and I didn't even finish it all the way the first time.

So this is my pledge today ~ at 11:11 pm on 12/12/12...to start and finish.  I need this change, its time to quit the dillydallying, its time to heal, to embrace change and move on.  Its not that scary, its not that bad, and its absolutely necessary.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Time to start over...

I nearly finished Lissa's course.  But I didn't.  I lost steam, got distracted (and not by doing things that mattered) and I just stopped.  Now I'm coming up to a point in my life where I see that I am really off track.  I am just short of solidly unhappy and angry all the time.  In many ways I am angry all the time.  Its time for that to change.  Permanently.  I don't want to live this kind of life.  I don't want to feel like this, I am more than this, I am capable.

My plan is to use December to get through this course.  There are 22 chapters, I'm sure I can read a chapter a day and get through the info and write.  But I'll also be reflecting on my thoughts and experiences from the last time I went through it all.

As for now I have some preparatory work to do (cleaning up and taking care of some scheduled business.)  I'll see you later!

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 6 - Chapter 21

I see the seriousness in me all the time.  I know I'm all about "getting things done" so much so that in the midst of working I often lose my sense of humor completely.

What gives you (simple) joy?

• reading a good book and escaping into it's fantasy
• taking a stroll outside
• vegging out in front of the tv
• working on my writing

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:

• How does your Inner Pilot Light define fun?  Can you add to Christa's list - authentically?

My list above are things I enjoy but I can't say they're "laugh out loud" fun.  I think hanging out with friends would be the "thing" for me.  Going shopping or window shopping, talking about nothing, and just "being".

• More specifically, what can you do to make this whole process of leaping into your dreams more fun?

Schedule fun/breaks, release perfectionism and the idea of "getting it all done" right now.  Take mini vacations!  Do stuff just for me, just because.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 6 - Chapter 20

(At last the last module!  It only took me a year to get here!!!)

Lissa talks about the flawed notion of the LOA and I think she is correct.  One of the problems I have found with "The Secret" itself is in the delivery of information about it.  What seems to be left out is that the Universe works in many ways and in some ways you need to move with it and in others you need to move out of its (and your) way.

One of the things she says, about starting a business and getting a business license & website...is too right.  I have the latter going on but I need to get my business licensed.  I've been putting it off because I keep telling myself I'm not ready or that I don't have the money or I needed to get other things...but really I need to put my next 110.00 towards that, and that's final.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  What needs to be done?

• What needs to be done to get you closer to your dreams?

(Faith Works) I need to get my business license for each business, incorporate (LLC) each business.  I need to have all of my paperwork done, "hire" an accountant to help me go over my books if need be.  I need to look through my website with a critical eye (ask lay person's and other artists/crafters what they think and if they feel it's navigatable).  I need to research the cost of an independent website & domain name.  I need a website that will allow me to sell via Paypal buttons & a shopping cart.  I need to set up an account with the post office or set my website up so that it allows me to configure shipping ahead of time.

(PhoenixFlame Healing Center) I need to get a business license & incorporate as a professional.  I need to look over my website with other professionals and lay people to see if it is clear and what I need to do.  I need to purchase a domain name & independent website.  I need to take stock of what equipment I need to purchase.  I need to have all of my paperwork for teaching & taking clients put together.  I need a reliable space to work out of - wherever that is neat and safe and comfortable for me, my clients, and other people

• What three action steps can you start employing right now to get you closer to your dreams?

(Faith Works)

1.  I can start saving up to incorporate my business and obtain a business license.

2.  I can get opinions about my websites.

3.  I can get all of my paperwork done.  (Update inventory, correct selling work sheets, supply receipt sheets, profit/loss sheet).

(PhoenixFlame Healing Center)

1.  I can start saving up to incorporate my business and obtain a business license.

2.  I can get opinions about my website.

3.  I can gather all of my paperwork for clients & students and have master drafts and copies ready.

• What's on your "stop-doing list"?  What will you stop doing to create open space for what may come next?

I will stop feeling sorry for myself that I haven't done this all yet.

I will stop trying to do too much.

I will stop rushing myself.

I will stop procrastinating.

I will stop beating myself up.

I will stop trying to be a perfectionist about everything I do (to the detriment of getting anything done.)

I will stop being a workaholic about things (allowing rather than pushing.)

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Are you more sperm or more egg?

• What about you?  Do you tend to be more sperm or more egg?  How has it served you?  How might you better balance out the two?

I think with my tendency to be more Type A that I, like Lissa, am more sperm.  I want to exert force and have a hard time accepting what I desire unless I'm taking it.  My go-getter attitude has made me forthright and aggressive, but sometimes overwhelms other people.  I need to ask then wait for assistance from wherever and learn to be patient with other people.

Like Lissa I am definitely a do-er.  Whenever I need something to happen my first and only instinct is to force it into being.  Manifesting isn't bad, but forcing energy isn't usually a good thing.  Things will come to be and pass in their own time.

Reading Dana's article about quitting her job has me thinking about mine (which I've been doing a lot of lately anyhow).  In one fashion I feel I really can't leave my work as a CNA because right now it's my livelihood and it represents something I have to work to keep.  It's also something that if I lost my certification I wouldn't go and get it back because it's not worth it to me to pay for something I don't really like.  So I slave away because it's easier for me to keep it by working than not.  I think part of the problem I have in my leaping away is the normal fear everyone has, but also the fact that I have a skill I have to maintain and if I don't work on it it's harder to convince an employer to hire me.

Reading about positive procrastination I cannot help but smile and nod fervently!  I SO know this feeling and all along I thought I was just being lazy even when I found things later to work out better allowing them to just be!  I also like Danielle's approach to her workweek of 2 buffer days (mine right now will be Monday & Wednesday), 3 work days (Tuesday, Thursday, & Friday) and off days (Saturday & Sunday)...although now with my schedule so ultra full I'm not sure how this will all work out...we shall see!



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 5 - Chapter 19...

When Lissa says that she squirted the monsters to shut them up the first thought I had in my head was from the movie "Lilo & Stitch" when Lilo would squirt Stitch with the water bottle when his badness level got too high...lmao

I started over, having not visited this chapter in awhile, and I am realizing something.  A major roadblock I am facing, have been facing, and seem to continue to face is that - I don't know what I want.  Or at least I can't bring myself to say it.  I don't know why.  Maybe it stems from years of not having the opportunity to say what I want.  Perhaps I just don't know how.  I see this as the major halting structure in my manifestation and yet I don't understand it.  But I can't manifest anything if I don't express what it is I want to.

I sit here and I realize that I don't think I've ever given myself permission to do what I want to do.  Everything I've done has been about others and what needed to be done.  So now I come to the threshold, the point at which I must truly declare my desires in the here and now and I choke...I hold back because I don't even know the sound of my own voice.  I couldn't recognize it if I tried.

I lost it when I was a little girl,
I couldn't tell now where to find it.
I wouldn't recognize it for the world,
I'm now so far behind it.
Meekly it comes, but a whispering word
like a faint breeze scented with flowers.
A stranger to me, it is you see
but a ghost that's wandered for hours.
One day it will come for that is my hope
and joyfully we'll embrace.
For such will be the time when I can happily say,
"This I know is my place."

^ "Voice"

It's funny that I should battle with this as I am for now I come to it.  Once I finally can speak out loud what I want I'm going to have to release it.  This makes me giggle in a nervous sort of way just because a part of me is thinking, "O well why even bother saying it if you're going to give up?"  But I know that's just the gremlin dancing around in my head wearing a mask that looks like me and using a voice emulator and faking it.  I know for me that giving it up to Goddess is one of the things I've had a hard time doing.  I've got to say that I don't know that I've ever been able to really do it, for precisely the reasons Lissa struggles with it.  I've got that need and desire to control and make things happen, which trumps allowing.

I think that part of the solution to my problem will be really using my voice.  Literally putting it out there and doing so every morning.  If that means talking to myself and feeling like a nut, so be it.  Practice makes awesome!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Letter to the Divine

Dear Universe,

Hey, it's me.  I know we don't talk to often but I just wanted to throw some ideas out there to ya.  I have a coupla dreams I want to manifest and I could sure use your help.  Not only in putting them out there but bringing them to pass.  Mind you, if you've got other plans, bigger and better by all means bring 'em on but I wanted you to know what I was thinking just in case we're in cahoots.

I think it'd be pretty swell if Faith Works took off.  I'd get orders every week, sell my stock and get requests for more, come up with new ideas and have all the time and energy I needed to put my best foot forward.  Faith Works would pay the bills with PhoenixFlame Healing Center and I'd be working full time between the two.  I'll have my nursing education going and finished in no time along with all the other training I'm looking forward to in massage therapy, yoga, zumba, bellydance,  and herbalism.  Starting and developing my practice, integrating arts & crafts with beauty and wholeness and healing are just around the corner.  And I know I have your support to manifest these dreams or better!

Thanks for the ear, you're terrific - as you well know!

Your favorite poster child for awesomeness,

Laney

I think I need to practice speaking what I want, and even if I can't get a person to listen to me, I can listen to myself, I can address the Universe and I can have my guides and the God & Goddess witness my declarations.

It's time to put it out there, and I need to trust in what I say now, because it doesn't have to be everything just what comes to mind.

I want...Faith Works to make money, to get into nursing school in 2013, to get the training in massage therapy/yoga/bellydance/zumba/herbalism to support my holistic practice, to have my driver's license reinstated for only 145.00, to be able to drive to work and anywhere else I wish to go, to have a social life, to live in a nice house with my family, to have a steady client following in my healing center, to have several students for my healing center, to work with other artists and healers to create things, to trim down my lower abs and firm them up for the summer, to have the money for college for my entire education, an honorable discharge, to fix my credit.

I want these things so I can be happy, feel that things are taken care of and not worry about whether I am doing what I need to do and be able to pursue my purpose.

Again I feel myself resonating with Lissa as she talks about being the captain of her life and everything in it all the time.  I couldn't agree more with the statement about not trusting others to do as good a job as I would (or would want).

The last bit of reading Lissa puts out there is amazing and it's got me all contemplative.  I needn't say more.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!