Well I'm here to say that it's not as easy as it looks, mostly I think for the amount of personal emotional investment that is present in one's life. It's hard to look at your actions, thoughts, and beliefs from an objective perspective when you're emotionally involved with them. You may immediately defend a decision that is quite literally the anti-thesis of what you need to be doing, and logically determinable even. But that's not how you feel, and while it's best to follow your gut, when that feeling in your gut is fear you ought to think twice about where it's coming from...Originally fears and our reaction to them was meant to save us from danger. Having a fear of a venomous animal causes you to avoid it, and thusly avoid it's sting or bite and effectively preserve your life. But when it's the fear of the unknown, something that could easily not really be as dangerous as you're inventing in your head...when facing that fear could lead to something grand if you could just squeeze by it...isn't a little risk worth it?
Reading through the intro Lissa urges you to print out the e-book, while not necessarily environmentally friendly, it will aid you in getting it done. While I wholeheartedly agree, I have no ink at the moment (or paper). However, she goes on to say that one should take notes and can at least create an e-journal if nothing else...so here I am setting up yet another blog :p
Nextly she mentions the possible feelings of fear cropping up and causing one to want to run and second guess ourselves. And as much as I would love to deny it, when I got the money into my account this morning for the course I had a brief moment of, "Am I sure I want to spend all that money?" With me not working full time, with me pregnant, with me having so much debt, worry, stress, and my life about to endure a major change, on top of all the other change I've had over the last few years could I really take anymore? I wasn't sure. My lip trembled and I considered backing out, like a dog with my tail between my legs. Then another thought cropped up. I have listened to Lissa, Tricia, and Melanie's conference call about this 2x, I manifested the money (against seemingly insurmountable odds) in a matter of about three days, was able to get in on the discounted price even....how could I possibly back out now?! How stupid and silly would I feel because I knew I'd be kicking myself immediately after saying no and wishing desperately that I could unsend my response. So I bit the bullet as it were and put my money where my mouth was and here I am...!
When you keep heading in the wrong direction - you keep going where you don't want to go.
Why do I feel like that quote is the story of my life. I mean it is no coincidence that I have these words literally tattooed across my chest: "I struggle, but I'll survive. Remember that you must die. Live that you may live." While it seems rather dire sounding it's meant to be encouragement. I've gotten this far and survived it all somehow, and life is short so don't waste it!
In listening to the conference call and having participated in the mini free e-course a lot of things were illuminated to me. I realized just how many "signs of getting in my own way" I was showing, on a daily basis even! I could see that I was procrastinating some things here and there, heard the negative self-talk. But really wasn't in touch with how much I was doing these things, and how much time I invested in such negative behaviors. As I've learned from listening to those things, talking with some near and dear friends, and reading through one of my favorite authors' - Wayne Dyer - works changing how I think, how I perceive things would make a huge difference. It caused me to reflect one day and illuminated a seeming life-long mystery to me:
As a trained CNA I'm the bottom of the barrel of the nursing world. But it gives me job security, and promises steady income and most of the time the option of getting okay benefits. However, as long as I've been doing it it would surprise most to hear how much I hate it. I never wanted to go into nursing, it just seemed like a better idea than working at McDonald's while I was in high school and since I did want to go into medicine it was like my foot in the door. But that was as much thought as I seriously gave it when I started working the field. Had I known the amount of emotional and mental stress I would later cause myself, to the point where I can't work in the field for more than three months (which also makes my work history look like total crap), I would have likely re-considered my decision...Then one day it dawned on me part of why I can't seem to last anywhere in this job. I hate it, utterly and totally. It's not even work, it's torture. It turns me into a terribly hateful person because I really despise that job that much. Why hadn't I realized this before? And then it made so much more sense why I had such a hard time with it. The work, while physically demanding at times, wasn't rocket science no real skill was needed. But it wasn't the physical part of the work that was draining me (though I did have an injury from my first job), it was the mental and emotional and spiritual areas where I was suffering. I was working against what I wanted and needed in a work environment!
The first module is pretty exciting sounding to me right now too. Long have I lived the life of "doing everything for others". From the cradle I was a martyr and didn't even realize it till a string of unfortunate events caused me to drop out of college, join the military (regret that), get married, get divorced, move about a thousand times, almost get stuck as a career stripper, get burnt out as a nurse aide, and make a number of questionable decisions that I wonder about...I honestly don't even know how to be myself most of the time, because the moment someone else is added to the equation I automatically start doing for them....
The second module I feel I'm pretty good on - but only to a point. Since I had my little "crisis" about where my life was going and what I was doing with it I have been ever seeking "my dream life". I have been realizing in the latest times that while I had a general idea of what I wanted, it wasn't quite precise and this was part of what was blocking me to manifesting it as much as I wanted to (like I have my two businesses, but they're not steadily or conveniently bringing in money yet...)
The third section I'm really looking forward to because I've seen so many of these negative influences in my life and I want them gone - pronto! The thought of being able remove these limiting, self-sabotage behaviors make me giddy as a school girl!
I'm also looking forward to the fourth section because that was one part of the mini e-course I had trouble with - dealing with the Gremlin.
I'm almost tempted to jump straight into the fifth section because I do know what I want, but then I know it's not a complete picture, so I want to take the steps in order to make sure I get the most of my work.
The final step I think will be the hardest. Not because I necessarily have so much to do (but there is a lot to do) but because I will be really putting my nose to the grindstone at that point. I've slogged through here and there, made some attempts but at that point I will be taking the serious steps that will lead me down my "yellow brick road". All of the other stuff is great but if this last step isn't completed, it won't matter.
While I find myself having done some of this stuff I can see how I have been floundering. I have been doing things "willy nilly" and scattering my energies so while I make some progress it's a bit like walking a tight rope blindfolded. My progress is slow sometimes and in spurts sometimes, but it leads to things not seeming to really go forward....
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