Module 4 - Chapter 14...

Watching the video I think immediately of my ex.  I think to myself that if I had owned who I was fully (I tried to do it a little bit) that the relationship would have ended even sooner.  I would have been outspoken and would not have tolerated some of the shit that I did...

With my current he encourages me to be myself, even though I don't think he understands who that is...

I think the biggest problem is that for me to be me it has me living a certain lifestyle.  He wants everything to be us and together, but my philosophy is that if I can't afford it then perhaps I don't need it.  Working myself to death to just pay the bills isn't right.

I have to say that it never really occurred to me to just not ask what other people I care about thought.  I generally ask and then if my feelings are hurt I get upset.  Or I just refuse to ask at all, but that's hard to do sometimes.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Whose Opinion Matters to You?

• When you worry what "everybody" thinks, who is your everybody?  Write down the names of the key people who would have an opinion about your Leap.

Mom (if she were alive)

Ryan

Krystal

Judy

Sarah

• Now take a gander at your list.  Of the people on your list, whom do you most admire?  Whose opinion really matters?

I would say that I admire my mother the most but she is deceased.  I know she'd be the most critical of everyone on the list.  I think a close second is Ryan.  Everyone else I believe would "get over it" and be fine, he is the only person who might not like who I really am and I worry about that.

• Of the people left on your list, who do you trust to help guide you - not out of fear but out of faith?  Who really believes in you?  Who sees your potential and wants to help foster it?

I think that Judy & Krystal would see this but may initially be trying to think to practically.  Asking questions of, "well what are you going to do until this and this happens".  Being that the relationship with my sister is the way it is I don't think she would stop me, but I can't say she would support me - I think she would just end up being neutral and tell me what she honestly thought and to just go for it if that's what I wanted to do.

I have to say that no one on the list I think really is a mentor.  The people I would count as mentors I am not as close to and I don't worry that they would criticize or otherwise not support me.  Lissa & Alice I know both would and I consider both of them mentors, also Cindy & Lori I feel would support me as would Nicole  (both of them) and Angel (both of them).

Thinking of mentors, I have to think of where/what it is I want to do...

• Reiki Teacher (Alice, Lori, Starlene, Cindy)
• Holistic Nurse
• Yoga Instructor/Therapist
• Bellydance Instructor (Angel, Dolphina)
• Certified Herbalist
• Licensed Massage Therapist
• Store Owner/Artist/Crafter

I only have mentors for a few things but don't know anyone else who has "made it big" or been successful personally in these other fields.  I will have to do some research.

Considering paying a mentor.  While I need payment for my time and understand that same need in others, I also know that right now my financial situation will not allow it.  Right now my goal is to get some material things squared away to enable me to save money for myself and my family.  To be able to buy those extra things and take that time off.  But right now that isn't looking as though it will happen for a good year and then I will have 240.00 a month extra (from finishing off paying smaller debts) and should have made a dent in some of my other bills.  I want a car, eventually a house, and of course to receive all of the training I want - but it will all take time and money...

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 13...

Really considering what success versus failure means is is important.  When I think of success I think of making a certain amount of money.  But that is really vague, because how much is a certain amount of money?  Thinking about it I really don't know and have never really defined what that amount is.  Thinking a little further I believe that if I sell everything I make that will reflect success, but really I need steady customers, I need new ones.  I need students filling classes and regular clients for my healing practice.  I need to be giving readings often and have referrals.

She says that if you're not failing you're not trying or putting yourself out there enough.  I wonder if I am failing or just not trying hard enough.  I know a lot of people don't know what I do, I don't put it out there at all really.  That is something to think about.

Failures are just opportunity repackaged.  I love that quote.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What "failures" opened up opportunities for you?

By having to quit school I began my journey towards discovering myself and moving towards what I really need to be doing with my life.

• Which setbacks are you actually grateful for?

I'm grateful that I didn't start my businesses sooner as I'd wanted to because I believe I can do them more justice now.  I not only have room for them in my life, but I'm also in a better mental and emotional state to handle them and be successful.

• How might you rewrite your setbacks so you can see them as successes?

In waiting until I had a chance to mature more I have set myself up for success in my businesses.

In taking a break from school I was able to re-evaluate what I really wanted to go to school for.

• How might you stretch yourself and risk failure in order to grow?

I need to really put my businesses out there.  I need to act as though I'm proud of what I do and share it.  If someone doesn't want to hear about it that's okay, but I can at least put it out there once.  It could get me business in the long run!

• What can you do to make peace with failure?  How might you even make failure fun?

Initially I don't really have an answer to this.  Perhaps I need to redefine what success means to me, realize that to define myself in too specific a term negates me succeeding and realize how I have contributed and self-sabotaged myself.  I need to enjoy the extra time I'm given to devote to other things as I wouldn't be able to if I had "succeeded" in my original plan.

• How do you define success?

Success is making "lots" of money - some given amount.  Selling everything I make when I make it.

• How might you redefine it?

Success is giving it my all, trying, and putting real effort out there.  It is making my businesses known and getting positive interest and feedback.  Success is the creative flowering of ideas and following through and finishing projects.  Trying and developing new things whether they work or not.

• What would success FEEL like?

I would feel happy and satisfied everyday.  I would feel that no matter how much I got done I accomplished something.

• How will you know when you achieve it?

I'll be able to really "feel" it.  People who don't know me (and those who do) will be able to see it without me telling them about it.

I definitely see that I was holding limiting beliefs about what success was.  Being vague and expecting it to equate to strictly "some sum of money" was not and will not serve me.  I like her idea of success being inner peace, that happiness at the end of the day is what success is really about.  Definitely want to adopt that mindset!

Reading the article about how not getting something sometimes is just what you need (to get something better) I have to agree.  As hard as it is that I have the debt I have for going to college and dropping out, it ultimately led to me finding and embracing my path.

Finishing up the last three articles about mistakes and realizing that a mistake isn't the end of the world but merely a miniature path to growth.  As they say, mistakes show you were you are and how far you've come.  But they also put reality back into the experience.  We all have days or periods of time where we are off and things don't go just right - but these times balance out those other times when everything seems perfect.  In short it gives you much needed perspective.

The final article urges you to cheer yourself up when you need it.  For me I think window shopping and getting out of the house, spending time by myself or with friends is integral to me unwinding.  Those are the times where I am not performing so there is no place for failure because I'm just existing.  Those times allow me to just be.  I might also say that sometimes creating my art helps but only if the perfectionist monster doesn't come to town...


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 12...

I know that I undervalue myself and have low self-worth.  I know that I need to work on a lot of things (I even have had my other half tell me to work on a number of things), but for the most part I'm not really sure how.  I've "been this way" for so long that I don't really feel that I know how to be any other way, even when I see the inherit flaws in how I am or dislike something about myself.
For me, undervaluing myself is as much like breathing as...well breathing is.  I don't think twice about the voices the Gremlin uses, I don't consider that my Ego (eg Fear) ie Inner Critic is just doing this all to "keep me down" I don't consider that none of these voices or point of views are my own and never were but are just things adopted by me because I have chosen not to think or believe otherwise...
In reading through the ways to help with lacking self-worth "seeing a therapist" is listed among those ways.  I have to laugh a bit since it's something that I'm on the verge of doing (I just need to have my appointment which is not until just after my birthday).
Another thing is to write out 10 things you do better than anyone else.  Definitely worthwhile as an exercise and not something I'd've though to do on my own...

1. be myself
2. show unending care towards others
3. brainstorm in and outside of the box
4. exercise a level of extreme thoroughness in all that I do
5. make myself available for those who need me at all times
6. give objective, but empathetic insights
7. assert myself
8. care for my son
9. organize my home
10. make other people laugh

Now it goes on to suggest writing out 10 things that take away from your worth, perhaps even more helpful than the prior list because it helps you recognize things (so you can release them)...

1. listening to negative people (my mother, Donovan, Teniele...etc)
2. surrounding myself with negative people
3. believing and taking heart in what negative people say
4. questioning myself
5. doubting myself
6. holding onto limiting beliefs from others about myself
7. not trying my best
8. not being who I am or can be
9. not questioning others beliefs/thoughts about me
10. taking others at face value rather than analyzing where they are coming from (about me)

The ideas of releasing the negative, and re-writing who I believe myself to be are very powerful and ultimately very integral to myself right now I think.  With all the change and issues going on with me lately (trying to rebuild my relationship, coping with the trials of being a new parent to a newborn, and the struggles associated with both) I have come to realize just how little I value myself, and the "number" it's doing on my psyche...As far as loving myself, I'd love to do that, but I don't know how.  Until just now I didn't really understand what love was, but I know it each time I look at my son, each time I look at my other half - my heart swells with love for them to the point where I feel like bursting into tears because I never believed I would have such wonderful people in my life.  That I would deserve them or that I could ever really love someone as much as I love them both.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:Improve your Sense of Worth

• How can I improve my sense of worth?

By believing in myself.  Seeing the good person I am, the good I can and do do.  Owning who I am and how great that person is.  By realizing that even if I'm not perfect and even if I don't do everything right all the time I still do a great job and more importantly I try and that counts.  Realizing how worthwhile I am to be around, what a great friend and person in general that I am and can be.

• What does it mean to you to be a woman?

It's definitely not just about being girly.  And to me that has little to do with connecting to my womanhood since I'm not the "girly" type.  But then again it's important to honor the distinction between us and the other sex.  It doesn't mean that either is devalued or valued more over the other, but each is important in it's own right.  It's being sensitive, dressing up, putting on make-up, wearing heels, being "giddy as a school girl" sometimes, going googly eyed over something in a store window, window shopping, enjoying time out with girl friends...

• What action steps might you take to reclaim your feminine power?

Definitely do those things that are associated with women.  Not because it's expected, but in order to connect with that energy.  Being so "anti-girl" I think that is part of where my misogynism stems from.  I don't really connect with that part of myself and I can even recall saying on many occasions - I'm not a girl I just look like one.  I need to stop self-depreciating being a girl and own those things knowing that in owning them I am not less of myself by any means.

*laugh my ass off about calling your Va-jj "Rebecca"*
A bit of reflection.  I was thinking about what I physically look like...and what I looked like about five or six years ago.  Now I have a bob with bangs, a handful of piercings and a number of tattoos.  Then I had no ink, short hair, lots of piercings (and was skinny of course).  I definitely feel like someone's mom right now, but I'm not altogether pleased with how I look.  I feel like I've "let myself go" and lost touch with what I want to look like, how I wish to express myself physically...I feel like I need to do something about this...
I'm finishing up the chapter, have all the last articles linked open, I think it's funny that owning femininity came up since it's definitely something I need/want to work on.
In the first article the statement about "if it's not making money, it's not a business" hits me hard.  I've had my other half say it to me and it definitely stings and hurts something awful.  On the other hand, to be realistic it's true.  At this point I have two expensive hobbies, neither of which I've been even paying attention to as of late...(which makes me feel awful by the way)...
Reading through another article I realize that one of the reasons why I'm finally getting my head out of my ass about my relationship with my other half (as well as me plowing through some other things I have needed to work on) is that I've been doing this course.  While the birth of my son and some of the feelings/realizations this work has cause has derailed me a bit from the progress I was making the time away reminds me and makes me realize just how important this course has been for me.  I really do owe Lissa something that "thank you" just doesn't cover.  She has, effectively, saved me from myself, helped me open my eyes, and allowed me to come into my own and who and what I want to be and really finally after all these years of struggling GET "there".  She has saved my life, in a real way that despite the fact that I still had to do all the work myself, she ultimately made it possible.
Moving on to the article about feminists I have to laugh, namely because while I respect everyone's right to be who and what they want I have always shied away from the idea of feminism because I felt it went "too much" over to the other side and in reality this notion of the "extremist" feminist is just what this article is not talking about being! :pEmbracing my dreams one day at a time!