I know that I undervalue myself and have low self-worth. I know that I need to work on a lot of things (I even have had my other half tell me to work on a number of things), but for the most part I'm not really sure how. I've "been this way" for so long that I don't really feel that I know how to be any other way, even when I see the inherit flaws in how I am or dislike something about myself.
For me, undervaluing myself is as much like breathing as...well breathing is. I don't think twice about the voices the Gremlin uses, I don't consider that my Ego (eg Fear) ie Inner Critic is just doing this all to "keep me down" I don't consider that none of these voices or point of views are my own and never were but are just things adopted by me because I have chosen not to think or believe otherwise...
In reading through the ways to help with lacking self-worth "seeing a therapist" is listed among those ways. I have to laugh a bit since it's something that I'm on the verge of doing (I just need to have my appointment which is not until just after my birthday).
Another thing is to write out 10 things you do better than anyone else. Definitely worthwhile as an exercise and not something I'd've though to do on my own...- be myself
- show unending care towards others
- brainstorm in and outside of the box
- exercise a level of extreme thoroughness in all that I do
- make myself available for those who need me at all times
- give objective, but empathetic insights
- assert myself
- care for my son
- organize my home
- make other people laugh
Now it goes on to suggest writing out 10 things that take away from your worth, perhaps even more helpful than the prior list because it helps you recognize things (so you can release them)...
- listening to negative people (my mother, Donovan, Teniele...etc)
- surrounding myself with negative people
- believing and taking heart in what negative people say
- questioning myself
- doubting myself
- holding onto limiting beliefs from others about myself
- not trying my best
- not being who I am or can be
- not questioning others beliefs/thoughts about me
- taking others at face value rather than analyzing where they are coming from (about me)
The ideas of releasing the negative, and re-writing who I believe myself to be are very powerful and ultimately very integral to myself right now I think. With all the change and issues going on with me lately (trying to rebuild my relationship, coping with the trials of being a new parent to a newborn, and the struggles associated with both) I have come to realize just how little I value myself, and the "number" it's doing on my psyche...As far as loving myself, I'd love to do that, but I don't know how. Until just now I didn't really understand what love was, but I know it each time I look at my son, each time I look at my other half - my heart swells with love for them to the point where I feel like bursting into tears because I never believed I would have such wonderful people in my life. That I would deserve them or that I could ever really love someone as much as I love them both.
Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:Improve your Sense of Worth
- How can I improve my sense of worth?
By believing in myself. Seeing the good person I am, the good I can and do do. Owning who I am and how great that person is. By realizing that even if I'm not perfect and even if I don't do everything right all the time I still do a great job and more importantly I try and that counts. Realizing how worthwhile I am to be around, what a great friend and person in general that I am and can be.
- What does it mean to you to be a woman?
It's definitely not just about being girly. And to me that has little to do with connecting to my womanhood since I'm not the "girly" type. But then again it's important to honor the distinction between us and the other sex. It doesn't mean that either is devalued or valued more over the other, but each is important in it's own right. It's being sensitive, dressing up, putting on make-up, wearing heels, being "giddy as a school girl" sometimes, going googly eyed over something in a store window, window shopping, enjoying time out with girl friends...
- What action steps might you take to reclaim your feminine power?
Definitely do those things that are associated with women. Not because it's expected, but in order to connect with that energy. Being so "anti-girl" I think that is part of where my misogynism stems from. I don't really connect with that part of myself and I can even recall saying on many occasions - I'm not a girl I just look like one. I need to stop self-depreciating being a girl and own those things knowing that in owning them I am not less of myself by any means.
*laugh my ass off about calling your Va-jj "Rebecca"*
A bit of reflection. I was thinking about what I physically look like...and what I looked like about five or six years ago. Now I have a bob with bangs, a handful of piercings and a number of tattoos. Then I had no ink, short hair, lots of piercings (and was skinny of course). I definitely feel like someone's mom right now, but I'm not altogether pleased with how I look. I feel like I've "let myself go" and lost touch with what I want to look like, how I wish to express myself physically...I feel like I need to do something about this...
I'm finishing up the chapter, have all the last articles linked open, I think it's funny that owning femininity came up since it's definitely something I need/want to work on.
In the first article the statement about "if it's not making money, it's not a business" hits me hard. I've had my other half say it to me and it definitely stings and hurts something awful. On the other hand, to be realistic it's true. At this point I have two expensive hobbies, neither of which I've been even paying attention to as of late...(which makes me feel awful by the way)...
Reading through another article I realize that one of the reasons why I'm finally getting my head out of my ass about my relationship with my other half (as well as me plowing through some other things I have needed to work on) is that I've been doing this course. While the birth of my son and some of the feelings/realizations this work has cause has derailed me a bit from the progress I was making the time away reminds me and makes me realize just how important this course has been for me. I really do owe Lissa something that "thank you" just doesn't cover. She has, effectively, saved me from myself, helped me open my eyes, and allowed me to come into my own and who and what I want to be and really finally after all these years of struggling GET "there". She has saved my life, in a real way that despite the fact that I still had to do all the work myself, she ultimately made it possible.
Moving on to the article about feminists I have to laugh, namely because while I respect everyone's right to be who and what they want I have always shied away from the idea of feminism because I felt it went "too much" over to the other side and in reality this notion of the "extremist" feminist is just what this article is not talking about being! :pEmbracing my dreams one day at a time!
No comments:
Post a Comment