It has also taken me a long time to see how not happy I am with how things have been. That might be the other hindrance, it's not been a sudden catalyst of "wow this sucks", so much as a slow realization that this is not what I dreamed of when I was five.
I want to take stock of my life and do all the things it says to do to live your life ...
I have been thinking lately that there must be something deeper going on to explain why as much as I try I can't seem to get a job. While I hate to be suspicious of everything it just seems like it shouldn't be this hard. But the thought crosses my mind that I am in some way blocking myself, that I won't get any kind of sustenance until I change my views/thoughts and really work towards my goal. That it's not bad for me to survive, but I can't lost sight of the final goal.
I think now that my catalyst was my mother's death. But I didn't recognize it. I can't say I was faced with my own mortality when I lost her, so much as a release. The chains of expectation she had placed on me that I had accepted were a weight lifted. It didn't matter what I did or didn't know, she wasn't there to nod disapprovingly or hug me when I was down - it was all me, just me, only me. In a sense it was freeing, in another it was bewildering. I hadn't realized till then how much those expectations weighed me down. I was so used to sinking that I didn't know how to float. That was 2005, it's now 2011, nearing the end and it's taken me all these years in between to slowly get to the point where I am now. And I still can't say I'm there yet. I knew that I didn't want to be where I was, so I piddled away 05, lamenting then becoming an exotic dancer, still trying to go to school while my grades slipped painfully low. I battled depression, and I left a lot of things in my wake as I wandered through life. In 06 I realized what I was doing wasn't cutting it...crisis #2 happened - I couldn't go to school because of a technicality (well rather a second technicality) so I just up and joined the military, thinking they could help and it was better than just working day to day. Then I got married that December. Then divorced in 08 after dodging arrest and threats, flirting and sleeping around at the end, dealing with more depression, deeper this time and even emotional/mental blackouts. In 08 I also met another man who ate two years of my life and held me back, causing a lot of strain and drain, it took me being physically apart from him to realize the affect he was having on my life. I'd done some things here and there to pursue some parts of my dreams, but all those efforts had been limited by that relationship. I slept around again, met someone much better this time, but the last negative experience has led this one off tainted, couple that with not officially working for two years, becoming pregnant, a psycho ex, trying to get discharged, not finding work and just plain old hardship...
This sounds like my own perfect storm, only it has been a lurking quietness, it's not been a grand explosion but a quiet darkness that has slowly engulfed my life, blotting out the sun slowly under my notice...then I looked around and realized just how dark it was...I went from one person controlling my life to another...I just didn't realize it.
I kind of wonder too if my slow seeming "non progress" has been my own "waiting & becoming" time. While I leapt some time ago things haven't taken off like I'd hoped.
Letting go (detaching from my outcome - eg goals being accomplished) is definitely hard for me. But I also think that doing that is integral to my own success to a major point. Overthinking and analyzing and trying to problem solve for the Universe is a bad idea.
What am I not willing to risk? My family, "who" I am. What do you want? The freedom to exist, to embrace what I love, to live my creativity every second of the day.
Talking about my spiritual place I know where that is for me. My faith bridges gaps in life but evolves too. Some things I'm clearer on in my faith than I was before, but faith is still the bottom line. And I am comfortable with that.
The next article touches on a point that very clearly to me an issue defining clearly what I want. Years ago I had an idea, but it was based on the expectations of others. Then my own traumatic change happened and made me realize, in its way, how I was living life for someone else. How I was not myself. But even with realizing this I didn't see where it was I needed to be or what I wanted. I just never learned to connect with the feeling, that energy and so even today I struggle with it. But it's getting easier. With this course I have definitely solidified many things about my dream and even in the cases where I haven't I realize just how vague some of my "pictures" are (which makes sense why they are just that rather than manifesting). ***I also suddenly get the idea that I need to make this big "multimedia" art piece, paint, collage, drawing, etc of my perfect life/career/love etc. That is an idea to manifesting I can really connect with I think.***
Gods...my dream life...a day in my dream life...
It's a Friday, I've had a nice productive week. I'm preparing for the weekend and taking it off, I have some family engagement/date with friends/personal meditation time/sabbat/esbat planned where my whole focus will be some fun even and taking it easy, work optional. I reflect back on my week, making light notes: Monday I gathered my Friday notes from the week before and any I thought of over the weekend and prioritized for the day/week/month. For the rest of the week - (till Friday) I go through this list from Monday, work, take regular breaks etc. My work consists of seeing clients for healing, having project time, running both business, sending out orders, taking on a custom order or two, housework, time with friends and family, and just me time. Not to mention of course having spiritual & healing time just for me every day. I smile happily at my "full yet satisfying" week. It's not overly full but I got a lot done as I did before and as I will the next week. I think of my weekend and the fun I have planned, the fun I had last weekend and smile again. After I've done my morning reflection I start the real "meat" of my day - I have breakfast with my family, spend some mommy time with my little one, do some housework (which I've split with my husband) and get to "work". Around lunchtime I take an hour break spending time reading/with the family/watching a movie or tv then resume work in the afternoon till I'm "off" in the evening. I make a final nod to my checklist, setting it up for Monday on my desk poised for any notes that comes to me after until Monday morning and enjoy a nice homecooked meal with my family and have a lovely night's rest.
So I dreamed a bit bigger than the exercise but that's perfectly fine. Some parts are vague - like what exact work I'm doing when (I think I need to work that out because some parts are still super fuzzy) but it's definitely clearer than it has been before.
I love Lissa's fairy tale and it reminds me of my own. I have always loved fairy tales yet never bothered writing my own...I think tonight I will dream of my own.
Reading her second part to the creation story she hits on the flaws in The Secret. While I support the LOA I too feel the philosophy behind The Secret is lacking. It expects that you're going to dream up a bunch of material things and poof there they are without regard to your place and what you might truly want.
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