Having permission to be me is powerful for me, because in my world that's never really been an option. While I've been myself here and there I wouldn't say I'm practiced at it. Lissa goes on to express her own childhood big dreams. While I won't say mine were quite as big, they were in essence what she is getting at: happily ever afters, a career I love, a family and all the trappings...That strange vagueness of that statement I think I've held onto and not going forward to clarify it any further has held me back from achieving anything I see as I reflect now.
Feeling like its too late has always been a huge fear of mine. I can say honestly its why I'm so impulsive in some of my actions. I can recall one time when I was much younger that I had the biggest crush on this cute boy. I never got the chance to tell him and the next year we moved. I never saw him again and for years I'd have dreams about if only I'd've told him. Its haunted me since then. So I made up my mind very young that I never wanted to feel that way ever again. But old habits die hard and sometimes I get so scared of being ridiculed, judged, and just laughed at that I balk at leaping with whatever decision.
I have to laugh at the mention of the romance novel...while I'm not ashamed at reading them I definitely am a fan even in lieu of the company of people (eg I'd rather be reading than talking to someone...)
While I'm a good decade behind Lissa in making my realizations the timeline she gives is no less true, neither is the fact that I gave up my dreams to be something more acceptable to other people.
This couldn't peg my life more if she had stepped into the room with me...
Dreaming hurts you. Because it makes you want something you fear you just can’t have. So you’re better off just getting up in the morning, going to work, making dinner, washing that beer glass, reading your romance novel, and falling asleep every night. At least that way, you won’t feel worse than you already do.I mean just wow. While I don't mind reading my romance novel, I would definitely prefer to have the romance in real life. And dreaming definitely hurts when it just serves as a reminder of everything you feel you can never have. Perhaps what's worst right now is that everyone around me seems to echo those internal fears, that I'm not worthy or deserving.
Again I hear her words echoing my own life. Making decisions because I "ought to" and because it was expected of me. Laying my dreams down on the sacrificial altar of the expectations of others just to feel like my heart is being ripped out.
I feel almost like I've been living a lie. This horrible mantle I've worn I took on and perhaps the worst betrayal of all is the one of myself. I dreamed of a happily ever after, of doing work I loved and while I didn't have certain specifics like the kind of house I'd live in or where, exactly how many kids I would have or what neighborhood I'd live in I did know one thing for sure - I would be happy.
I'm tired of settling and I wish I didn't feel like the only one. It feels like such a lonely road...
I just started reading again so I could finish this chapter. I'm almost in tears again thinking of how I have settled for so long, ignoring the hurt and pain of just accepting while I secretly dreamed & yearned for more. Feeling unspeakably guilty because I wasn't pursuing my soul's desire but not even knowing how...
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