But I see the disservice this does me. People "get the wrong impression" of me when I do something they think is "out of character" when really its just them seeing a deeper level they hadn't seen yet without warning. The most marked place I see this is in romantic relationships. Ever guarded it takes me a long time to open up to other people. By the time they've been around me long enough to get to know the real me, they're used to the outer layers and don't want to accept anything deeper.
"When you keep heading in the wrong direction, you keep going where you don't want to go."
When Lissa talks about our brains being on autopilot I immediately thought of Wayne Dyer's books - Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life & Excuses Begone. While I haven't finished either I can immediately see his messages hinted at. For me I have been trying to succeed, trying to be happy, trying to do a whole helluva lot of things the same way I have always tried. And thusly I keep getting the same result. Big surprise...not.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" (Mary Oliver)
I want to be happy, I want to be authentic. I want to be able to do and be who I am comfortably in my own skin while still meeting the demands of life. I want to be free to embrace my dreams without the guilt of feeling the need to meet the status quo. I want to prove "them" wrong and show them I can be me, not a sheep, and do just as good if not better than they did/are. I want to help other people see this ability to leap, dive, dip, and fully embrace their own dreams. I want to inspire, nurture, help, and coax those other fractured shells who may be too scared to take the plunge.
"Knowing who you really are is a vital first step towards getting out of your own way and leaping into your dreams."Talk about loud and clear...I know for me this is one of the modules (Your Authentic Self) that I balked at last time. At best I've only ever had a vague idea of what I wanted. And I daresay this is partially why I didn't finish the course the first time. When asked this question a part of me quails and shivers in reflexive fear. I don't really know the answer, I never have, because I've never taken the time to ask and answer honestly. In part I think I'm afraid to want and be who I want because I'll be judged as a loon, selfish, crazy, self-centered, stupid, deluded and a whole messa words that I don't much like. I'm afraid because when and where I grew up that's just not how things worked. You did what you were supposed to, you worked hard and for all your life nearly, and then at the end if you were lucky you could rest a bit. You didn't do silly things like write that book you dreamed up, or take a vacation just to paint, start your own unique business with your own sass and style to it.
The second module which talks about your dreams is probably the next thing I'm afraid of. If I can't show and share who I am, I certainly can't entrust my precious, fragile, and private dreams with someone else. They'll think them silly, stupid, or unworthy of being spoken about and hearing that from anyone who cares about me will crush my heart. So I'd rather just quietly keep them to myself...
Module three which talks about limiting beliefs might be the most important of them all. I know I have a number of beliefs that relate to my authentic expression of both myself and my dreams. But while I may be able to connect with who I am and what I want on a deep and resounding level, those gremlins that whisper nagging, negative thoughts in my ear constantly just pull me back and away trying to extinguish that inner pilot light that shines with awareness.
The fourth module was a really hard thing for me the first time around too. And I think ultimately it was part of what made the whole journey so damned difficult. I feel utterly unsupported in my life. Now I can draw a few parallels as to why right off the bat. Many people don't know me, they just don't. They know things about me but they don't know the depth of my personality so when I get to those deeper onion layers they're "shocked" and surprised and not in a good way. Because I never learned to connect with that part of myself or the dreams she has and only have ever held my limiting beliefs close to my heart the opinions of others have held too much sway over my life. I've feared disappointing others and what they want for me so much that I have immediately relinquished my dreams without a second thought only to be bitter and upset about it later (even though it was a conscious decision.)
Making a plan, what she talks about in module five, is something I had a hard time with too. Seriously the interconnectedness of all of these steps is such that you really have to work through them all, from scratch, to get the full benefit from the program. If you don't know where you're going, you can't expect to get there. So if you don't know what you want...planning a route there will just never happen in any way. I know I struggle with these two sides alot. In my case I have the vaguest ideas of the where. Words that have vague meaning for me like "success" & "happiness". But words that I never took the time to personally define.
I know last time I got to module six and I know I didn't quite finish it. I want to say I started it and got through most of it...but after that I can't really recall what was going on in my life. I know the "have faith" part is difficult for me. Being so extremely Type A I want to make things happen. Sometimes that's just not how things are supposed to play out because there is a deeper meaning in the wait, there's something better on the horizon, or something else like that. And I know for a fact in stubbornly persisting with what you think you know, you'll only get disappointed.
Past Reflections: (here's the part where I look at the last entry I did and reflect on what I thought then and what I think now)...
I have to laugh that I have cited the same quote about heading in the wrong direction. :D Also while I know I started this course just a week or so before my son was born, I really can't recall anything else from that time in my life. I know how I got the money, I know I got in on the early bird price (by the skin of my teeth too!) But the rest of the reflections, about why I chose to take this particular leap had completely left my mind.
I mention my tattoo too which is incidentally resting right above my energetic power center (the Solar Plexus, along the bottom of my ribs) and I have to laugh at myself. I chose that placement because I really didn't have anywhere else not spoken for, little did I know the implication of putting it there...it also reminds me that I really need to get back in shape, so I can show it off...
I brought up a reflection of how I feel about "the job I'm trained for" and still true as can be I feel that same way. Since then I've gone to and left two companies that foster that work. One I was fired from after a mental breakdown, the other I just passively stopped working for (I'm still employed technically, but I haven't took a case in forever so on that hand I'm really not.) I know that that expression is a reflection of how I've lived my life in general. I keep doing what others want, what they ask, and what I think they want because I "ought to" and I keep becoming resentful, unhappy, and embittered as a result.
When I started talking about module 1 I hint to what's causing my crisis now..."the moment someone else is added to the equation I start doing for them..." Seriously that's precisely the problem right now. I left one nasty, bad relationship where I had become a slave to what they wanted to do only to find myself in another one. Only this time I resented it immediately, before it had even started to happen, so deep was my anger for the habit from the last time I'd been through it. That very struggle between being me and being who someone wants has caused major psychological rifts in my life this time around. While I still don't know why I do this I see it as a condition of failing in a relationship time, after time.
Looking through more of the things I had to say about the modules and thinking back to what I'm saying now...I see I have a lot more fear and trepidation this time around. I instinctively feel that that is because I know I'm going to go that much deeper, be that much more authentic.
Having done the course once now I have a much better idea of what's going to happen. I also have a greater confidence that I will be able to dive deeper and get even more out of the course than the first time I went through it.
No comments:
Post a Comment