Module 6 - Chapter 21

I see the seriousness in me all the time.  I know I'm all about "getting things done" so much so that in the midst of working I often lose my sense of humor completely.

What gives you (simple) joy?

• reading a good book and escaping into it's fantasy
• taking a stroll outside
• vegging out in front of the tv
• working on my writing

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:

• How does your Inner Pilot Light define fun?  Can you add to Christa's list - authentically?

My list above are things I enjoy but I can't say they're "laugh out loud" fun.  I think hanging out with friends would be the "thing" for me.  Going shopping or window shopping, talking about nothing, and just "being".

• More specifically, what can you do to make this whole process of leaping into your dreams more fun?

Schedule fun/breaks, release perfectionism and the idea of "getting it all done" right now.  Take mini vacations!  Do stuff just for me, just because.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 6 - Chapter 20

(At last the last module!  It only took me a year to get here!!!)

Lissa talks about the flawed notion of the LOA and I think she is correct.  One of the problems I have found with "The Secret" itself is in the delivery of information about it.  What seems to be left out is that the Universe works in many ways and in some ways you need to move with it and in others you need to move out of its (and your) way.

One of the things she says, about starting a business and getting a business license & website...is too right.  I have the latter going on but I need to get my business licensed.  I've been putting it off because I keep telling myself I'm not ready or that I don't have the money or I needed to get other things...but really I need to put my next 110.00 towards that, and that's final.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  What needs to be done?

• What needs to be done to get you closer to your dreams?

(Faith Works) I need to get my business license for each business, incorporate (LLC) each business.  I need to have all of my paperwork done, "hire" an accountant to help me go over my books if need be.  I need to look through my website with a critical eye (ask lay person's and other artists/crafters what they think and if they feel it's navigatable).  I need to research the cost of an independent website & domain name.  I need a website that will allow me to sell via Paypal buttons & a shopping cart.  I need to set up an account with the post office or set my website up so that it allows me to configure shipping ahead of time.

(PhoenixFlame Healing Center) I need to get a business license & incorporate as a professional.  I need to look over my website with other professionals and lay people to see if it is clear and what I need to do.  I need to purchase a domain name & independent website.  I need to take stock of what equipment I need to purchase.  I need to have all of my paperwork for teaching & taking clients put together.  I need a reliable space to work out of - wherever that is neat and safe and comfortable for me, my clients, and other people

• What three action steps can you start employing right now to get you closer to your dreams?

(Faith Works)

1.  I can start saving up to incorporate my business and obtain a business license.

2.  I can get opinions about my websites.

3.  I can get all of my paperwork done.  (Update inventory, correct selling work sheets, supply receipt sheets, profit/loss sheet).

(PhoenixFlame Healing Center)

1.  I can start saving up to incorporate my business and obtain a business license.

2.  I can get opinions about my website.

3.  I can gather all of my paperwork for clients & students and have master drafts and copies ready.

• What's on your "stop-doing list"?  What will you stop doing to create open space for what may come next?

I will stop feeling sorry for myself that I haven't done this all yet.

I will stop trying to do too much.

I will stop rushing myself.

I will stop procrastinating.

I will stop beating myself up.

I will stop trying to be a perfectionist about everything I do (to the detriment of getting anything done.)

I will stop being a workaholic about things (allowing rather than pushing.)

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Are you more sperm or more egg?

• What about you?  Do you tend to be more sperm or more egg?  How has it served you?  How might you better balance out the two?

I think with my tendency to be more Type A that I, like Lissa, am more sperm.  I want to exert force and have a hard time accepting what I desire unless I'm taking it.  My go-getter attitude has made me forthright and aggressive, but sometimes overwhelms other people.  I need to ask then wait for assistance from wherever and learn to be patient with other people.

Like Lissa I am definitely a do-er.  Whenever I need something to happen my first and only instinct is to force it into being.  Manifesting isn't bad, but forcing energy isn't usually a good thing.  Things will come to be and pass in their own time.

Reading Dana's article about quitting her job has me thinking about mine (which I've been doing a lot of lately anyhow).  In one fashion I feel I really can't leave my work as a CNA because right now it's my livelihood and it represents something I have to work to keep.  It's also something that if I lost my certification I wouldn't go and get it back because it's not worth it to me to pay for something I don't really like.  So I slave away because it's easier for me to keep it by working than not.  I think part of the problem I have in my leaping away is the normal fear everyone has, but also the fact that I have a skill I have to maintain and if I don't work on it it's harder to convince an employer to hire me.

Reading about positive procrastination I cannot help but smile and nod fervently!  I SO know this feeling and all along I thought I was just being lazy even when I found things later to work out better allowing them to just be!  I also like Danielle's approach to her workweek of 2 buffer days (mine right now will be Monday & Wednesday), 3 work days (Tuesday, Thursday, & Friday) and off days (Saturday & Sunday)...although now with my schedule so ultra full I'm not sure how this will all work out...we shall see!



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 5 - Chapter 19...

When Lissa says that she squirted the monsters to shut them up the first thought I had in my head was from the movie "Lilo & Stitch" when Lilo would squirt Stitch with the water bottle when his badness level got too high...lmao

I started over, having not visited this chapter in awhile, and I am realizing something.  A major roadblock I am facing, have been facing, and seem to continue to face is that - I don't know what I want.  Or at least I can't bring myself to say it.  I don't know why.  Maybe it stems from years of not having the opportunity to say what I want.  Perhaps I just don't know how.  I see this as the major halting structure in my manifestation and yet I don't understand it.  But I can't manifest anything if I don't express what it is I want to.

I sit here and I realize that I don't think I've ever given myself permission to do what I want to do.  Everything I've done has been about others and what needed to be done.  So now I come to the threshold, the point at which I must truly declare my desires in the here and now and I choke...I hold back because I don't even know the sound of my own voice.  I couldn't recognize it if I tried.

I lost it when I was a little girl,
I couldn't tell now where to find it.
I wouldn't recognize it for the world,
I'm now so far behind it.
Meekly it comes, but a whispering word
like a faint breeze scented with flowers.
A stranger to me, it is you see
but a ghost that's wandered for hours.
One day it will come for that is my hope
and joyfully we'll embrace.
For such will be the time when I can happily say,
"This I know is my place."

^ "Voice"

It's funny that I should battle with this as I am for now I come to it.  Once I finally can speak out loud what I want I'm going to have to release it.  This makes me giggle in a nervous sort of way just because a part of me is thinking, "O well why even bother saying it if you're going to give up?"  But I know that's just the gremlin dancing around in my head wearing a mask that looks like me and using a voice emulator and faking it.  I know for me that giving it up to Goddess is one of the things I've had a hard time doing.  I've got to say that I don't know that I've ever been able to really do it, for precisely the reasons Lissa struggles with it.  I've got that need and desire to control and make things happen, which trumps allowing.

I think that part of the solution to my problem will be really using my voice.  Literally putting it out there and doing so every morning.  If that means talking to myself and feeling like a nut, so be it.  Practice makes awesome!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Letter to the Divine

Dear Universe,

Hey, it's me.  I know we don't talk to often but I just wanted to throw some ideas out there to ya.  I have a coupla dreams I want to manifest and I could sure use your help.  Not only in putting them out there but bringing them to pass.  Mind you, if you've got other plans, bigger and better by all means bring 'em on but I wanted you to know what I was thinking just in case we're in cahoots.

I think it'd be pretty swell if Faith Works took off.  I'd get orders every week, sell my stock and get requests for more, come up with new ideas and have all the time and energy I needed to put my best foot forward.  Faith Works would pay the bills with PhoenixFlame Healing Center and I'd be working full time between the two.  I'll have my nursing education going and finished in no time along with all the other training I'm looking forward to in massage therapy, yoga, zumba, bellydance,  and herbalism.  Starting and developing my practice, integrating arts & crafts with beauty and wholeness and healing are just around the corner.  And I know I have your support to manifest these dreams or better!

Thanks for the ear, you're terrific - as you well know!

Your favorite poster child for awesomeness,

Laney

I think I need to practice speaking what I want, and even if I can't get a person to listen to me, I can listen to myself, I can address the Universe and I can have my guides and the God & Goddess witness my declarations.

It's time to put it out there, and I need to trust in what I say now, because it doesn't have to be everything just what comes to mind.

I want...Faith Works to make money, to get into nursing school in 2013, to get the training in massage therapy/yoga/bellydance/zumba/herbalism to support my holistic practice, to have my driver's license reinstated for only 145.00, to be able to drive to work and anywhere else I wish to go, to have a social life, to live in a nice house with my family, to have a steady client following in my healing center, to have several students for my healing center, to work with other artists and healers to create things, to trim down my lower abs and firm them up for the summer, to have the money for college for my entire education, an honorable discharge, to fix my credit.

I want these things so I can be happy, feel that things are taken care of and not worry about whether I am doing what I need to do and be able to pursue my purpose.

Again I feel myself resonating with Lissa as she talks about being the captain of her life and everything in it all the time.  I couldn't agree more with the statement about not trusting others to do as good a job as I would (or would want).

The last bit of reading Lissa puts out there is amazing and it's got me all contemplative.  I needn't say more.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 5 - Chapter 18...

Answering the question of what magnificent "far out there" desire I have is hard.  I want to compartmentalize my desires, separate them all but really they all affect my life.  Going with the idea of "what would blow my mind if I woke up and it was there right now" I would have to answer:

• a brand new car, that I owned with no car payment and great gas mileage
• 50 sales and half my stock bought up in my store Faith Works
• 10 to 15 more custom orders before the end of the year
• a nursing job that pays me 12.00/hour, gives me full time hours and benefits in a hospital setting close by
• getting the money for the training I want to be a yoga teacher, belly dance instructor, zumba instructor, herbalist...etc
• thousands of dollars saved up in the bank, all my bills caught up and up to date, eliminating all of my debt (because it's paid off)
• an honorable discharge from the military (for health reasons)

I think if I woke up tomorrow and had a letter/email/voicemail etc about these things I would flip...

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:  Ask for what you need

I think the list above pretty much covers it, but there are some additional details.  Along with the car I need my driver's license back, and the 500.00 fee waived so it only costs 150.00.  Then I need affordable insurance.  For the sales, I need these sales to be before December 15th (for those who want Xmas presents) and otherwise before the end of the year.  I also need these to be of my current stock.  The custom orders I need understanding customers who realize that these things take time and money.  I have a few job offers in the works right now, I need one of them to come through and before the end of the month.  I am okay with starting out with less money but it's my goal to do good work and stay with them long enough to make more and then progress in my training and promotions.  For my additional training I need the money as soon as possible, but more important at the time when I am ready to pursue each training segment and can afford it in other ways (like being able to travel, etc).  However I can put money away in the bank I want to, be it from my businesses, gifts from relatives, through my "day job", or just winning the lottery.  The process of being honorably discharged I want to speed up.  I've already had the process started to put chaptered out for health reasons, but they need a kick in the pants so to speak.

What intentions do you wish to set?

• Within one year...I have all the training I wish to have for my healing center, updated to Eminent Reiki, finishing up my yoga teacher training, done with my herbalist training, and having my zumba & bellydance instructor training underway.  My credit is fixed, I'm engaged to be married.
• By the end of this year...I have sold half of my online stock, have custom orders pouring in and get tons of good feedback.  We have moved into a better place with our own space and plenty of room - including a bedroom for us and the baby, an office, a nice yard with a fence, and room to grow!  I am discharged from the military honorably and it is pleasantly behind me!
• Before the end of this year...I have paid Etsy and re-opened my store, paid T-Mobile and upgraded my account.  I have a car that is safe and reliable and good on gas.
• By the end of this month...I have a job working in the hospital in nursing, I'm getting boocoo bucks.

Watching the video and imagining a typical Wednesday five years from now....

I wake up bright and early at 6 am, slowly getting out of bed so as not to wake my husband (though I sneak in and steal a kiss and get pulled into bed for thirty minutes to nuzzle).  I get up and go into our bright, open kitchen and make sure coffee has started.  (I program it night before for 6:30 am).  As coffee brews I tip toe to check on my son, now five, who is still asleep in his bed and check on my daughter, now almost three, who is also still asleep.  As coffee finishes brewing I prepare a nice breakfast and grab my laptop having everything on the stove keeping warm but not cooking, and check my business emails.  I note that I have 5 orders to send out this morning from the day before and another 10 to process.  My healing center has 2 clients booked for this afternoon, each for an hour and both in a series of sessions.  I have a meeting with my other healers and an email to send out to my other healing coordinator contacts about some updates.  I have today off from the hospital, but some school work to do so when the little ones take their midday nap I'll be working on homework that is due tomorrow.  I smile as I look up and see Ryan, my husband, entering the kitchen.  I greet him with a smile, kiss, and a cup of steaming hot coffee which he puts down to pin me against the fridge for a passionate kiss.  We part as I feel the kicking of our third and fourth children, who are due in early November, both Scorpios.  With him up and breakfast served I step in to wake our son and daughter and bring them to the table for a nice family breakfast.  I let Aggie out to romp in the yard and do her businesses, then bring her in to eat as well.  Feeding our cat Ceasar too...The remainder of the day is routine.  I get through all my emails, pack up the kiddos for a trip to run errands to the post office and some light shopping for some fun projects for them.  Ryan watches the children and takes them to the park in the afternoon while I have my 2 healing clients who both pay and tip me graciously, setting their next appointments.

A gift from my future self:  a golden quill feather...(to write out intentions? my prose/poetry?)


I just put out some of my desires on the group, and have decided to either speak my need or imagine what I will have in a month, or visualize my perfect day every chance I get!



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 5 - Chapter 17...

I think I found another reason why my leap hasn't quite come on yet.  I recognize that where I am isn't great, I have been inching forward, but I can't say I've leapt.  I question the safety and sanity of such a gesture deep down inside.  Not necessarily because I'm happy with where I am, because I'm not, but because I'm not sure it will be any better.

It has also taken me a long time to see how not happy I am with how things have been.  That might be the other hindrance, it's not been a sudden catalyst of "wow this sucks", so much as a slow realization that this is not what I dreamed of when I was five.

I want to take stock of my life and do all the things it says to do to live your life ...

I have been thinking lately that there must be something deeper going on to explain why as much as I try I can't seem to get a job.  While I hate to be suspicious of everything it just seems like it shouldn't be this hard.  But the thought crosses my mind that I am in some way blocking myself, that I won't get any kind of sustenance until I change my views/thoughts and really work towards my goal.  That it's not bad for me to survive, but I can't lost sight of the final goal.

I think now that my catalyst was my mother's death.  But I didn't recognize it.  I can't say I was faced with my own mortality when I lost her, so much as a release.  The chains of expectation she had placed on me that I had accepted were a weight lifted.  It didn't matter what I did or didn't know, she wasn't there to nod disapprovingly or hug me when I was down - it was all me, just me, only me.  In a sense it was freeing, in another it was bewildering.  I hadn't realized till then how much those expectations weighed me down.  I was so used to sinking that I didn't know how to float.  That was 2005, it's now 2011, nearing the end and it's taken me all these years in between to slowly get to the point where I am now.  And I still can't say I'm there yet.  I knew that I didn't want to be where I was, so I piddled away 05, lamenting then becoming an exotic dancer, still trying to go to school while my grades slipped painfully low.  I battled depression, and I left a lot of things in my wake as I wandered through life.  In 06 I realized what I was doing wasn't cutting it...crisis #2 happened - I couldn't go to school because of a technicality (well rather a second technicality) so I just up and joined the military, thinking they could help and it was better than just working day to day.  Then I got married that December.  Then divorced in 08 after dodging arrest and threats, flirting and sleeping around at the end, dealing with more depression, deeper this time and even emotional/mental blackouts. In 08 I also met another man who ate two years of my life and held me back, causing a lot of strain and drain, it took me being physically apart from him to realize the affect he was having on my life.  I'd done some things here and there to pursue some parts of my dreams, but all those efforts had been limited by that relationship.  I slept around again, met someone much better this time, but the last negative experience has led this one off tainted, couple that with not officially working for two years, becoming pregnant, a psycho ex, trying to get discharged, not finding work and just plain old hardship...

This sounds like my own perfect storm, only it has been a lurking quietness, it's not been a grand explosion but a quiet darkness that has slowly engulfed my life, blotting out the sun slowly under my notice...then I looked around and realized just how dark it was...I went from one person controlling my life to another...I just didn't realize it.

I kind of wonder too if my slow seeming "non progress" has been my own "waiting & becoming" time.  While I leapt some time ago things haven't taken off like I'd hoped.

Letting go (detaching from my outcome - eg goals being accomplished) is definitely hard for me.  But I also think that doing that is integral to my own success to a major point.  Overthinking and analyzing and trying to problem solve for the Universe is a bad idea.

What am I not willing to risk?  My family, "who" I am.  What do you want?  The freedom to exist, to embrace what I love, to live my creativity every second of the day.

Talking about my spiritual place I know where that is for me.  My faith bridges gaps in life but evolves too.  Some things I'm clearer on in my faith than I was before, but faith is still the bottom line.  And I am comfortable with that.

The next article touches on a point that very clearly to me an issue defining clearly what I want.  Years ago I had an idea, but it was based on the expectations of others.  Then my own traumatic change happened and made me realize, in its way, how I was living life for someone else.  How I was not myself.  But even with realizing this I didn't see where it was I needed to be or what I wanted.  I just never learned to connect with the feeling, that energy and so even today I struggle with it.  But it's getting easier.  With this course I have definitely solidified many things about my dream and even in the cases where I haven't I realize just how vague some of my "pictures" are (which makes sense why they are just that rather than manifesting).  ***I also suddenly get the idea that I need to make this big "multimedia" art piece, paint, collage, drawing, etc of my perfect life/career/love etc.  That is an idea to manifesting I can really connect with I think.***

Gods...my dream life...a day in my dream life...

It's a Friday, I've had a nice productive week.  I'm preparing for the weekend and taking it off, I have some family engagement/date with friends/personal meditation time/sabbat/esbat planned where my whole focus will be some fun even and taking it easy, work optional.  I reflect back on my week, making light notes:  Monday I gathered my Friday notes from the week before and any I thought of over the weekend and prioritized for the day/week/month.  For the rest of the week - (till Friday) I go through this list from Monday, work, take regular breaks etc.  My work consists of seeing clients for healing, having project time, running both business, sending out orders, taking on a custom order or two, housework, time with friends and family, and just me time.  Not to mention of course having spiritual & healing time just for me every day.  I smile happily at my "full yet satisfying" week.  It's not overly full but I got a lot done as I did before and as I will the next week.  I think of my weekend and the fun I have planned, the fun I had last weekend and smile again.  After I've done my morning reflection I start the real "meat" of my day - I have breakfast with my family, spend some mommy time with my little one, do some housework (which I've split with my husband) and get to "work".  Around lunchtime I take an hour break spending time reading/with the family/watching a movie or tv then resume work in the afternoon till I'm "off" in the evening.  I make a final nod to my checklist, setting it up for Monday on my desk poised for any notes that comes to me after until Monday morning and enjoy a nice homecooked meal with my family and have a lovely night's rest.

So I dreamed a bit bigger than the exercise but that's perfectly fine.  Some parts are vague - like what exact work I'm doing when (I think I need to work that out because some parts are still super fuzzy) but it's definitely clearer than it has been before.

I love Lissa's fairy tale and it reminds me of my own.  I have always loved fairy tales yet never bothered writing my own...I think tonight I will dream of my own.

Reading her second part to the creation story she hits on the flaws in The Secret.  While I support the LOA I too feel the philosophy behind The Secret is lacking.  It expects that you're going to dream up a bunch of material things and poof there they are without regard to your place and what you might truly want.



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 16...

I know I don't want to be average for sure - that's just not who I am.

I'm a traditional non-conformist, a strange bird by my account.  I appreciate tradition, some that is, but I value thinking out of the box and doing something that works.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:  What's Your Risk Tolerance?

• How risk-averse do you consider yourself?

I will say that I will definitely think twice about doing something, including being authentic, if there is a chance of some sort of punishment.  Eg I will lose something/one.  Job, relationship, etc.

• Do you want to be this way?  If so, why?  If not, why not?

I in point of fact do not want to live in constant fear of losing out and therefore missing out on being me if nothing else.

• How might you exercise your risk muscle?  What would push your comfort zone without freaking you out?

Letting go for a day.  Just doing "me" and not caring if I upset or offended anyone.  Doing just what I wanted to do.

I feel good that she mentions that it's okay to play it a little safe and have a safety net.  For me I think the safety net will be accepting work I'm trained to do while I get the training I want, build my businesses, and fully shape my dream.  It's not to say that by accepting this work I'm giving up or putting it off "yet again" but said, to help myself (and my family out) now I'll do this while I do these other things.

I see that I am self-sabotaging myself.  I know I have a lot of paperwork to do to get my business legal, entering receipts, writing up my business plans, doing all that "boring, math" stuff.  So I have put off doing it choosing to be diverted with projects only.  There isn't anything wrong with being creative, but it's no good to the detriment of laying a good foundation which will afford me time to be 100% creative all the time and only minimally have to do the "boring" stuff.

Stop procrastinating, cultivate "stick to itiveness", and letting go of baggage all strike me.  As I've just said I know I'm procrastinating doing some work I need to because it's not "fun".  I also feel scattered and want to do a million things so my energy is stretched to thin to focus properly.  I also have put off things for years, and had many a loved one convince me that my dreams were a waste of time.

As I read the article about getting out of your own way I have a thought.  I think part of the problem I was having is that I was viewing my work/job all wrong.  The view I held has had my job as interfering with my life's work.  Now in reality it really was doing that, but I never did anything to give myself a break either so it continued to do that even when it didn't have to.  I could have worked a different span of time, different days or hours.  Instead I just accepted what I was given without asking for what I needed.

The bottom line though is that dreams aside (yes I hate to say that but listen with me for a moment) I have to survive.  I have bills to pay, debts to get paid, and things I want now and in the future.  I don't have any money in the bank or any saved or stashed anywhere so there is no option to just do nothing but what I want (with it paying as little and as infrequently as it is right now).  As Tama mentions in her book, it's okay to work in the meantime to survive, just as long as you keep working towards your dream.

I definitely need to identify my limiting beliefs.  I think right now some of the excuses are that I don't have the money to do what I need/want to do and I don't have the time.  I don't have the money because I haven't been attracting it - by not working and by having thoughts of lack.  I don't have the time because while I do work doggedly on some things I also get into ruts and put things off, losing several days (= several hours) of work time on many things, I put more on my plate than can be achieved in a short period of time, and I am not in touch with my time like I could be.  I know that as soon as I finish this e-course (or maybe before) I need to get to reading the Excuses Begone book finally.  I have had it for years now, know it will help, and yet...keep procrastinating, as though I don't want to dissolve these excuses/limiting beliefs.

Acknowledgement and compassion with oneself about things is vital.  Recognize your fears and what is holding you back, how you may be making things harder and then correct it on the spot with a positive thought/affirmation/action.

Reading Lissa's article about getting out of your own way gives me hope.  I can really hear her sitting with me telling me that I can do this, that I can make this happen.  It's encouraging and heartwarming.

Tama's article about risk hits to the point.  There is no life without any risk.  To just do what you're told ends you up with the risk that you lived an unfulfilled life, then what?

I know for sure if I don't pursue my dreams I'll die a little inside everyday.  I'd kick myself everyday too for listening to all those Gremlins.  I'd feel I wasted so much of my life because I started something I didn't finish.  I'd hate myself for it.

What might happen...I might have to work a job I hate in the meantime (but to be able to put it aside for my real dreams and calling is worth the small inconvenience of dealing with it now).  I might have to take less than I deserve in order to make sure the necessary things are taken care of.  But I can survive this way, I can keep my creativity and dreams alive.

I seriously echo Lissa's sentiment in the last article about wishing I hadn't taken so long to get here...


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 15...

My gremlin is my Ego...she looks like a very sad version of me, like a statue of gray stone with my likeness.  She is always sad, she says nothing but negative things.

When Lissa says, "if you're never failing, you're probably not risking enough" really is meaningful to me.  To play it safe all the time and just live to be and get by doesn't put any juicy-ness into life.  It is like bland regular oatmeal.  If that's what you want fine...but me I want raisins and spice in mine, bits of strawberry, butter, sugar milk ....something to spice it up!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• Write your worst case scenario:

I will have wasted my time with each business.  I will be stuck with all this art and crafts that I can't use, don't need and won't be able to sell without giving away.  I will feel as though I was wrong to start my businesses and that I went on the wrong path.  I will be back where I started, dissatisfied with where my life is and unsure of where I want it to be.  I will owe even more money, failing at each business.  No one will like what I make, no one will buy my products.  I will be lost with no direction.  I will still not know where I want to go or what I want to be "when I grow up"

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Name Your Fear

• Name your biggest fear.

That I will have put all this effort (several years worth of time, effort, training, and money) and not be able to make money in my businesses, owe lots of taxes, get further in debt, and have to start all over again; to not be on the "right" path.

Listening to the meditation at the end of "Befriending Your Fear" I feel good when I think of reaching out across the state and country...I actually smile.

* * *

I hadn't realized that I had in fact already read through this lesson and so I started it again.  (I believe there is some meaning in this...)  I made a contour drawing of my gremlin, Joseph, and boy is he an ugly little monster!

For me while I think about this I don't feel that fear is a big issue.  The only fear I really see that is daunting is that I'll fail.  But failure means what?  I won't sell anything?  I won't sell everything? It'll take too long to succeed?  It'll be too hard for me to do on my own?  Some of these things I've already proved wrong...I've had my businesses a few years and sold things.  Eventually I will sell everything but by that time I'll have added more so do I really want to sell everything all at once?  No, the stretching out of that allows me to steadily keep stock and develop new things.  How long is too long?  At 26 is it going to take till 30 to work?  Maybe, but even it it takes to 45, so what.  Is it going to kill me?  No, frustrate perhaps, but no bodily harm or death.  As for hard...things are only as hard as you make them.  If you believe everything is difficult so will it be.

Reading through the final article I recognize now that I also have a fear of success.  It causes an overwhelming paralysis that makes me want to quickly back away and "not bother" with my work.  I worry that I will sell everything (or nearly everything) and then have nothing else to add so my store will look barren.  I will get swamped with orders, not want to say no and not be able to get them out on time because I took too much on and then lose out on the business because I took too long to deliver.  I worry that I won't have the time, that I'll hit "my big break" but be too worn and too exhausted to go with it because I've been stretching myself thin for so long...

So I believe fearing that I am too small and not enough to accomplish the big success I want is the biggest thing right now (I have looked and thought about my task list and instantly become overwhelmed many times lately).  When I think of what I would draw to represent it, I see myself sad/in tears and small in the bottom left hand corner of the paper with all my success looming huge (& scary) over me threatening to bury me...

What my fear has to say to me:

Alana,
You're setting yourself up for failure and I've got to say that even without my help you're doing a stellar job.  You stretch yourself too thin, don't ask for help, and burnout is threatening you daily.  You've done my job for me basically.  You've got to realize though that I am your creation, I come from you and am defined by you.  All you have to do is take care of yourself, and do the "ass in chair" (just not "ass in chair all the time non stop").  You need to live the model you want to show to others...take care of you first, be in the now, and treat yourself as well as you treat others.
Looking forward to being conquered by you.
Your (silly) Fear

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!