Module 5 - Chapter 18...

Answering the question of what magnificent "far out there" desire I have is hard.  I want to compartmentalize my desires, separate them all but really they all affect my life.  Going with the idea of "what would blow my mind if I woke up and it was there right now" I would have to answer:

• a brand new car, that I owned with no car payment and great gas mileage
• 50 sales and half my stock bought up in my store Faith Works
• 10 to 15 more custom orders before the end of the year
• a nursing job that pays me 12.00/hour, gives me full time hours and benefits in a hospital setting close by
• getting the money for the training I want to be a yoga teacher, belly dance instructor, zumba instructor, herbalist...etc
• thousands of dollars saved up in the bank, all my bills caught up and up to date, eliminating all of my debt (because it's paid off)
• an honorable discharge from the military (for health reasons)

I think if I woke up tomorrow and had a letter/email/voicemail etc about these things I would flip...

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:  Ask for what you need

I think the list above pretty much covers it, but there are some additional details.  Along with the car I need my driver's license back, and the 500.00 fee waived so it only costs 150.00.  Then I need affordable insurance.  For the sales, I need these sales to be before December 15th (for those who want Xmas presents) and otherwise before the end of the year.  I also need these to be of my current stock.  The custom orders I need understanding customers who realize that these things take time and money.  I have a few job offers in the works right now, I need one of them to come through and before the end of the month.  I am okay with starting out with less money but it's my goal to do good work and stay with them long enough to make more and then progress in my training and promotions.  For my additional training I need the money as soon as possible, but more important at the time when I am ready to pursue each training segment and can afford it in other ways (like being able to travel, etc).  However I can put money away in the bank I want to, be it from my businesses, gifts from relatives, through my "day job", or just winning the lottery.  The process of being honorably discharged I want to speed up.  I've already had the process started to put chaptered out for health reasons, but they need a kick in the pants so to speak.

What intentions do you wish to set?

• Within one year...I have all the training I wish to have for my healing center, updated to Eminent Reiki, finishing up my yoga teacher training, done with my herbalist training, and having my zumba & bellydance instructor training underway.  My credit is fixed, I'm engaged to be married.
• By the end of this year...I have sold half of my online stock, have custom orders pouring in and get tons of good feedback.  We have moved into a better place with our own space and plenty of room - including a bedroom for us and the baby, an office, a nice yard with a fence, and room to grow!  I am discharged from the military honorably and it is pleasantly behind me!
• Before the end of this year...I have paid Etsy and re-opened my store, paid T-Mobile and upgraded my account.  I have a car that is safe and reliable and good on gas.
• By the end of this month...I have a job working in the hospital in nursing, I'm getting boocoo bucks.

Watching the video and imagining a typical Wednesday five years from now....

I wake up bright and early at 6 am, slowly getting out of bed so as not to wake my husband (though I sneak in and steal a kiss and get pulled into bed for thirty minutes to nuzzle).  I get up and go into our bright, open kitchen and make sure coffee has started.  (I program it night before for 6:30 am).  As coffee brews I tip toe to check on my son, now five, who is still asleep in his bed and check on my daughter, now almost three, who is also still asleep.  As coffee finishes brewing I prepare a nice breakfast and grab my laptop having everything on the stove keeping warm but not cooking, and check my business emails.  I note that I have 5 orders to send out this morning from the day before and another 10 to process.  My healing center has 2 clients booked for this afternoon, each for an hour and both in a series of sessions.  I have a meeting with my other healers and an email to send out to my other healing coordinator contacts about some updates.  I have today off from the hospital, but some school work to do so when the little ones take their midday nap I'll be working on homework that is due tomorrow.  I smile as I look up and see Ryan, my husband, entering the kitchen.  I greet him with a smile, kiss, and a cup of steaming hot coffee which he puts down to pin me against the fridge for a passionate kiss.  We part as I feel the kicking of our third and fourth children, who are due in early November, both Scorpios.  With him up and breakfast served I step in to wake our son and daughter and bring them to the table for a nice family breakfast.  I let Aggie out to romp in the yard and do her businesses, then bring her in to eat as well.  Feeding our cat Ceasar too...The remainder of the day is routine.  I get through all my emails, pack up the kiddos for a trip to run errands to the post office and some light shopping for some fun projects for them.  Ryan watches the children and takes them to the park in the afternoon while I have my 2 healing clients who both pay and tip me graciously, setting their next appointments.

A gift from my future self:  a golden quill feather...(to write out intentions? my prose/poetry?)


I just put out some of my desires on the group, and have decided to either speak my need or imagine what I will have in a month, or visualize my perfect day every chance I get!



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 5 - Chapter 17...

I think I found another reason why my leap hasn't quite come on yet.  I recognize that where I am isn't great, I have been inching forward, but I can't say I've leapt.  I question the safety and sanity of such a gesture deep down inside.  Not necessarily because I'm happy with where I am, because I'm not, but because I'm not sure it will be any better.

It has also taken me a long time to see how not happy I am with how things have been.  That might be the other hindrance, it's not been a sudden catalyst of "wow this sucks", so much as a slow realization that this is not what I dreamed of when I was five.

I want to take stock of my life and do all the things it says to do to live your life ...

I have been thinking lately that there must be something deeper going on to explain why as much as I try I can't seem to get a job.  While I hate to be suspicious of everything it just seems like it shouldn't be this hard.  But the thought crosses my mind that I am in some way blocking myself, that I won't get any kind of sustenance until I change my views/thoughts and really work towards my goal.  That it's not bad for me to survive, but I can't lost sight of the final goal.

I think now that my catalyst was my mother's death.  But I didn't recognize it.  I can't say I was faced with my own mortality when I lost her, so much as a release.  The chains of expectation she had placed on me that I had accepted were a weight lifted.  It didn't matter what I did or didn't know, she wasn't there to nod disapprovingly or hug me when I was down - it was all me, just me, only me.  In a sense it was freeing, in another it was bewildering.  I hadn't realized till then how much those expectations weighed me down.  I was so used to sinking that I didn't know how to float.  That was 2005, it's now 2011, nearing the end and it's taken me all these years in between to slowly get to the point where I am now.  And I still can't say I'm there yet.  I knew that I didn't want to be where I was, so I piddled away 05, lamenting then becoming an exotic dancer, still trying to go to school while my grades slipped painfully low.  I battled depression, and I left a lot of things in my wake as I wandered through life.  In 06 I realized what I was doing wasn't cutting it...crisis #2 happened - I couldn't go to school because of a technicality (well rather a second technicality) so I just up and joined the military, thinking they could help and it was better than just working day to day.  Then I got married that December.  Then divorced in 08 after dodging arrest and threats, flirting and sleeping around at the end, dealing with more depression, deeper this time and even emotional/mental blackouts. In 08 I also met another man who ate two years of my life and held me back, causing a lot of strain and drain, it took me being physically apart from him to realize the affect he was having on my life.  I'd done some things here and there to pursue some parts of my dreams, but all those efforts had been limited by that relationship.  I slept around again, met someone much better this time, but the last negative experience has led this one off tainted, couple that with not officially working for two years, becoming pregnant, a psycho ex, trying to get discharged, not finding work and just plain old hardship...

This sounds like my own perfect storm, only it has been a lurking quietness, it's not been a grand explosion but a quiet darkness that has slowly engulfed my life, blotting out the sun slowly under my notice...then I looked around and realized just how dark it was...I went from one person controlling my life to another...I just didn't realize it.

I kind of wonder too if my slow seeming "non progress" has been my own "waiting & becoming" time.  While I leapt some time ago things haven't taken off like I'd hoped.

Letting go (detaching from my outcome - eg goals being accomplished) is definitely hard for me.  But I also think that doing that is integral to my own success to a major point.  Overthinking and analyzing and trying to problem solve for the Universe is a bad idea.

What am I not willing to risk?  My family, "who" I am.  What do you want?  The freedom to exist, to embrace what I love, to live my creativity every second of the day.

Talking about my spiritual place I know where that is for me.  My faith bridges gaps in life but evolves too.  Some things I'm clearer on in my faith than I was before, but faith is still the bottom line.  And I am comfortable with that.

The next article touches on a point that very clearly to me an issue defining clearly what I want.  Years ago I had an idea, but it was based on the expectations of others.  Then my own traumatic change happened and made me realize, in its way, how I was living life for someone else.  How I was not myself.  But even with realizing this I didn't see where it was I needed to be or what I wanted.  I just never learned to connect with the feeling, that energy and so even today I struggle with it.  But it's getting easier.  With this course I have definitely solidified many things about my dream and even in the cases where I haven't I realize just how vague some of my "pictures" are (which makes sense why they are just that rather than manifesting).  ***I also suddenly get the idea that I need to make this big "multimedia" art piece, paint, collage, drawing, etc of my perfect life/career/love etc.  That is an idea to manifesting I can really connect with I think.***

Gods...my dream life...a day in my dream life...

It's a Friday, I've had a nice productive week.  I'm preparing for the weekend and taking it off, I have some family engagement/date with friends/personal meditation time/sabbat/esbat planned where my whole focus will be some fun even and taking it easy, work optional.  I reflect back on my week, making light notes:  Monday I gathered my Friday notes from the week before and any I thought of over the weekend and prioritized for the day/week/month.  For the rest of the week - (till Friday) I go through this list from Monday, work, take regular breaks etc.  My work consists of seeing clients for healing, having project time, running both business, sending out orders, taking on a custom order or two, housework, time with friends and family, and just me time.  Not to mention of course having spiritual & healing time just for me every day.  I smile happily at my "full yet satisfying" week.  It's not overly full but I got a lot done as I did before and as I will the next week.  I think of my weekend and the fun I have planned, the fun I had last weekend and smile again.  After I've done my morning reflection I start the real "meat" of my day - I have breakfast with my family, spend some mommy time with my little one, do some housework (which I've split with my husband) and get to "work".  Around lunchtime I take an hour break spending time reading/with the family/watching a movie or tv then resume work in the afternoon till I'm "off" in the evening.  I make a final nod to my checklist, setting it up for Monday on my desk poised for any notes that comes to me after until Monday morning and enjoy a nice homecooked meal with my family and have a lovely night's rest.

So I dreamed a bit bigger than the exercise but that's perfectly fine.  Some parts are vague - like what exact work I'm doing when (I think I need to work that out because some parts are still super fuzzy) but it's definitely clearer than it has been before.

I love Lissa's fairy tale and it reminds me of my own.  I have always loved fairy tales yet never bothered writing my own...I think tonight I will dream of my own.

Reading her second part to the creation story she hits on the flaws in The Secret.  While I support the LOA I too feel the philosophy behind The Secret is lacking.  It expects that you're going to dream up a bunch of material things and poof there they are without regard to your place and what you might truly want.



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 16...

I know I don't want to be average for sure - that's just not who I am.

I'm a traditional non-conformist, a strange bird by my account.  I appreciate tradition, some that is, but I value thinking out of the box and doing something that works.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:  What's Your Risk Tolerance?

• How risk-averse do you consider yourself?

I will say that I will definitely think twice about doing something, including being authentic, if there is a chance of some sort of punishment.  Eg I will lose something/one.  Job, relationship, etc.

• Do you want to be this way?  If so, why?  If not, why not?

I in point of fact do not want to live in constant fear of losing out and therefore missing out on being me if nothing else.

• How might you exercise your risk muscle?  What would push your comfort zone without freaking you out?

Letting go for a day.  Just doing "me" and not caring if I upset or offended anyone.  Doing just what I wanted to do.

I feel good that she mentions that it's okay to play it a little safe and have a safety net.  For me I think the safety net will be accepting work I'm trained to do while I get the training I want, build my businesses, and fully shape my dream.  It's not to say that by accepting this work I'm giving up or putting it off "yet again" but said, to help myself (and my family out) now I'll do this while I do these other things.

I see that I am self-sabotaging myself.  I know I have a lot of paperwork to do to get my business legal, entering receipts, writing up my business plans, doing all that "boring, math" stuff.  So I have put off doing it choosing to be diverted with projects only.  There isn't anything wrong with being creative, but it's no good to the detriment of laying a good foundation which will afford me time to be 100% creative all the time and only minimally have to do the "boring" stuff.

Stop procrastinating, cultivate "stick to itiveness", and letting go of baggage all strike me.  As I've just said I know I'm procrastinating doing some work I need to because it's not "fun".  I also feel scattered and want to do a million things so my energy is stretched to thin to focus properly.  I also have put off things for years, and had many a loved one convince me that my dreams were a waste of time.

As I read the article about getting out of your own way I have a thought.  I think part of the problem I was having is that I was viewing my work/job all wrong.  The view I held has had my job as interfering with my life's work.  Now in reality it really was doing that, but I never did anything to give myself a break either so it continued to do that even when it didn't have to.  I could have worked a different span of time, different days or hours.  Instead I just accepted what I was given without asking for what I needed.

The bottom line though is that dreams aside (yes I hate to say that but listen with me for a moment) I have to survive.  I have bills to pay, debts to get paid, and things I want now and in the future.  I don't have any money in the bank or any saved or stashed anywhere so there is no option to just do nothing but what I want (with it paying as little and as infrequently as it is right now).  As Tama mentions in her book, it's okay to work in the meantime to survive, just as long as you keep working towards your dream.

I definitely need to identify my limiting beliefs.  I think right now some of the excuses are that I don't have the money to do what I need/want to do and I don't have the time.  I don't have the money because I haven't been attracting it - by not working and by having thoughts of lack.  I don't have the time because while I do work doggedly on some things I also get into ruts and put things off, losing several days (= several hours) of work time on many things, I put more on my plate than can be achieved in a short period of time, and I am not in touch with my time like I could be.  I know that as soon as I finish this e-course (or maybe before) I need to get to reading the Excuses Begone book finally.  I have had it for years now, know it will help, and yet...keep procrastinating, as though I don't want to dissolve these excuses/limiting beliefs.

Acknowledgement and compassion with oneself about things is vital.  Recognize your fears and what is holding you back, how you may be making things harder and then correct it on the spot with a positive thought/affirmation/action.

Reading Lissa's article about getting out of your own way gives me hope.  I can really hear her sitting with me telling me that I can do this, that I can make this happen.  It's encouraging and heartwarming.

Tama's article about risk hits to the point.  There is no life without any risk.  To just do what you're told ends you up with the risk that you lived an unfulfilled life, then what?

I know for sure if I don't pursue my dreams I'll die a little inside everyday.  I'd kick myself everyday too for listening to all those Gremlins.  I'd feel I wasted so much of my life because I started something I didn't finish.  I'd hate myself for it.

What might happen...I might have to work a job I hate in the meantime (but to be able to put it aside for my real dreams and calling is worth the small inconvenience of dealing with it now).  I might have to take less than I deserve in order to make sure the necessary things are taken care of.  But I can survive this way, I can keep my creativity and dreams alive.

I seriously echo Lissa's sentiment in the last article about wishing I hadn't taken so long to get here...


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 15...

My gremlin is my Ego...she looks like a very sad version of me, like a statue of gray stone with my likeness.  She is always sad, she says nothing but negative things.

When Lissa says, "if you're never failing, you're probably not risking enough" really is meaningful to me.  To play it safe all the time and just live to be and get by doesn't put any juicy-ness into life.  It is like bland regular oatmeal.  If that's what you want fine...but me I want raisins and spice in mine, bits of strawberry, butter, sugar milk ....something to spice it up!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• Write your worst case scenario:

I will have wasted my time with each business.  I will be stuck with all this art and crafts that I can't use, don't need and won't be able to sell without giving away.  I will feel as though I was wrong to start my businesses and that I went on the wrong path.  I will be back where I started, dissatisfied with where my life is and unsure of where I want it to be.  I will owe even more money, failing at each business.  No one will like what I make, no one will buy my products.  I will be lost with no direction.  I will still not know where I want to go or what I want to be "when I grow up"

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Name Your Fear

• Name your biggest fear.

That I will have put all this effort (several years worth of time, effort, training, and money) and not be able to make money in my businesses, owe lots of taxes, get further in debt, and have to start all over again; to not be on the "right" path.

Listening to the meditation at the end of "Befriending Your Fear" I feel good when I think of reaching out across the state and country...I actually smile.

* * *

I hadn't realized that I had in fact already read through this lesson and so I started it again.  (I believe there is some meaning in this...)  I made a contour drawing of my gremlin, Joseph, and boy is he an ugly little monster!

For me while I think about this I don't feel that fear is a big issue.  The only fear I really see that is daunting is that I'll fail.  But failure means what?  I won't sell anything?  I won't sell everything? It'll take too long to succeed?  It'll be too hard for me to do on my own?  Some of these things I've already proved wrong...I've had my businesses a few years and sold things.  Eventually I will sell everything but by that time I'll have added more so do I really want to sell everything all at once?  No, the stretching out of that allows me to steadily keep stock and develop new things.  How long is too long?  At 26 is it going to take till 30 to work?  Maybe, but even it it takes to 45, so what.  Is it going to kill me?  No, frustrate perhaps, but no bodily harm or death.  As for hard...things are only as hard as you make them.  If you believe everything is difficult so will it be.

Reading through the final article I recognize now that I also have a fear of success.  It causes an overwhelming paralysis that makes me want to quickly back away and "not bother" with my work.  I worry that I will sell everything (or nearly everything) and then have nothing else to add so my store will look barren.  I will get swamped with orders, not want to say no and not be able to get them out on time because I took too much on and then lose out on the business because I took too long to deliver.  I worry that I won't have the time, that I'll hit "my big break" but be too worn and too exhausted to go with it because I've been stretching myself thin for so long...

So I believe fearing that I am too small and not enough to accomplish the big success I want is the biggest thing right now (I have looked and thought about my task list and instantly become overwhelmed many times lately).  When I think of what I would draw to represent it, I see myself sad/in tears and small in the bottom left hand corner of the paper with all my success looming huge (& scary) over me threatening to bury me...

What my fear has to say to me:

Alana,
You're setting yourself up for failure and I've got to say that even without my help you're doing a stellar job.  You stretch yourself too thin, don't ask for help, and burnout is threatening you daily.  You've done my job for me basically.  You've got to realize though that I am your creation, I come from you and am defined by you.  All you have to do is take care of yourself, and do the "ass in chair" (just not "ass in chair all the time non stop").  You need to live the model you want to show to others...take care of you first, be in the now, and treat yourself as well as you treat others.
Looking forward to being conquered by you.
Your (silly) Fear

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 14...

Watching the video I think immediately of my ex.  I think to myself that if I had owned who I was fully (I tried to do it a little bit) that the relationship would have ended even sooner.  I would have been outspoken and would not have tolerated some of the shit that I did...

With my current he encourages me to be myself, even though I don't think he understands who that is...

I think the biggest problem is that for me to be me it has me living a certain lifestyle.  He wants everything to be us and together, but my philosophy is that if I can't afford it then perhaps I don't need it.  Working myself to death to just pay the bills isn't right.

I have to say that it never really occurred to me to just not ask what other people I care about thought.  I generally ask and then if my feelings are hurt I get upset.  Or I just refuse to ask at all, but that's hard to do sometimes.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Whose Opinion Matters to You?

• When you worry what "everybody" thinks, who is your everybody?  Write down the names of the key people who would have an opinion about your Leap.

Mom (if she were alive)

Ryan

Krystal

Judy

Sarah

• Now take a gander at your list.  Of the people on your list, whom do you most admire?  Whose opinion really matters?

I would say that I admire my mother the most but she is deceased.  I know she'd be the most critical of everyone on the list.  I think a close second is Ryan.  Everyone else I believe would "get over it" and be fine, he is the only person who might not like who I really am and I worry about that.

• Of the people left on your list, who do you trust to help guide you - not out of fear but out of faith?  Who really believes in you?  Who sees your potential and wants to help foster it?

I think that Judy & Krystal would see this but may initially be trying to think to practically.  Asking questions of, "well what are you going to do until this and this happens".  Being that the relationship with my sister is the way it is I don't think she would stop me, but I can't say she would support me - I think she would just end up being neutral and tell me what she honestly thought and to just go for it if that's what I wanted to do.

I have to say that no one on the list I think really is a mentor.  The people I would count as mentors I am not as close to and I don't worry that they would criticize or otherwise not support me.  Lissa & Alice I know both would and I consider both of them mentors, also Cindy & Lori I feel would support me as would Nicole  (both of them) and Angel (both of them).

Thinking of mentors, I have to think of where/what it is I want to do...

• Reiki Teacher (Alice, Lori, Starlene, Cindy)
• Holistic Nurse
• Yoga Instructor/Therapist
• Bellydance Instructor (Angel, Dolphina)
• Certified Herbalist
• Licensed Massage Therapist
• Store Owner/Artist/Crafter

I only have mentors for a few things but don't know anyone else who has "made it big" or been successful personally in these other fields.  I will have to do some research.

Considering paying a mentor.  While I need payment for my time and understand that same need in others, I also know that right now my financial situation will not allow it.  Right now my goal is to get some material things squared away to enable me to save money for myself and my family.  To be able to buy those extra things and take that time off.  But right now that isn't looking as though it will happen for a good year and then I will have 240.00 a month extra (from finishing off paying smaller debts) and should have made a dent in some of my other bills.  I want a car, eventually a house, and of course to receive all of the training I want - but it will all take time and money...

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 13...

Really considering what success versus failure means is is important.  When I think of success I think of making a certain amount of money.  But that is really vague, because how much is a certain amount of money?  Thinking about it I really don't know and have never really defined what that amount is.  Thinking a little further I believe that if I sell everything I make that will reflect success, but really I need steady customers, I need new ones.  I need students filling classes and regular clients for my healing practice.  I need to be giving readings often and have referrals.

She says that if you're not failing you're not trying or putting yourself out there enough.  I wonder if I am failing or just not trying hard enough.  I know a lot of people don't know what I do, I don't put it out there at all really.  That is something to think about.

Failures are just opportunity repackaged.  I love that quote.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What "failures" opened up opportunities for you?

By having to quit school I began my journey towards discovering myself and moving towards what I really need to be doing with my life.

• Which setbacks are you actually grateful for?

I'm grateful that I didn't start my businesses sooner as I'd wanted to because I believe I can do them more justice now.  I not only have room for them in my life, but I'm also in a better mental and emotional state to handle them and be successful.

• How might you rewrite your setbacks so you can see them as successes?

In waiting until I had a chance to mature more I have set myself up for success in my businesses.

In taking a break from school I was able to re-evaluate what I really wanted to go to school for.

• How might you stretch yourself and risk failure in order to grow?

I need to really put my businesses out there.  I need to act as though I'm proud of what I do and share it.  If someone doesn't want to hear about it that's okay, but I can at least put it out there once.  It could get me business in the long run!

• What can you do to make peace with failure?  How might you even make failure fun?

Initially I don't really have an answer to this.  Perhaps I need to redefine what success means to me, realize that to define myself in too specific a term negates me succeeding and realize how I have contributed and self-sabotaged myself.  I need to enjoy the extra time I'm given to devote to other things as I wouldn't be able to if I had "succeeded" in my original plan.

• How do you define success?

Success is making "lots" of money - some given amount.  Selling everything I make when I make it.

• How might you redefine it?

Success is giving it my all, trying, and putting real effort out there.  It is making my businesses known and getting positive interest and feedback.  Success is the creative flowering of ideas and following through and finishing projects.  Trying and developing new things whether they work or not.

• What would success FEEL like?

I would feel happy and satisfied everyday.  I would feel that no matter how much I got done I accomplished something.

• How will you know when you achieve it?

I'll be able to really "feel" it.  People who don't know me (and those who do) will be able to see it without me telling them about it.

I definitely see that I was holding limiting beliefs about what success was.  Being vague and expecting it to equate to strictly "some sum of money" was not and will not serve me.  I like her idea of success being inner peace, that happiness at the end of the day is what success is really about.  Definitely want to adopt that mindset!

Reading the article about how not getting something sometimes is just what you need (to get something better) I have to agree.  As hard as it is that I have the debt I have for going to college and dropping out, it ultimately led to me finding and embracing my path.

Finishing up the last three articles about mistakes and realizing that a mistake isn't the end of the world but merely a miniature path to growth.  As they say, mistakes show you were you are and how far you've come.  But they also put reality back into the experience.  We all have days or periods of time where we are off and things don't go just right - but these times balance out those other times when everything seems perfect.  In short it gives you much needed perspective.

The final article urges you to cheer yourself up when you need it.  For me I think window shopping and getting out of the house, spending time by myself or with friends is integral to me unwinding.  Those are the times where I am not performing so there is no place for failure because I'm just existing.  Those times allow me to just be.  I might also say that sometimes creating my art helps but only if the perfectionist monster doesn't come to town...


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 12...

I know that I undervalue myself and have low self-worth.  I know that I need to work on a lot of things (I even have had my other half tell me to work on a number of things), but for the most part I'm not really sure how.  I've "been this way" for so long that I don't really feel that I know how to be any other way, even when I see the inherit flaws in how I am or dislike something about myself.
For me, undervaluing myself is as much like breathing as...well breathing is.  I don't think twice about the voices the Gremlin uses, I don't consider that my Ego (eg Fear) ie Inner Critic is just doing this all to "keep me down" I don't consider that none of these voices or point of views are my own and never were but are just things adopted by me because I have chosen not to think or believe otherwise...
In reading through the ways to help with lacking self-worth "seeing a therapist" is listed among those ways.  I have to laugh a bit since it's something that I'm on the verge of doing (I just need to have my appointment which is not until just after my birthday).
Another thing is to write out 10 things you do better than anyone else.  Definitely worthwhile as an exercise and not something I'd've though to do on my own...

1. be myself
2. show unending care towards others
3. brainstorm in and outside of the box
4. exercise a level of extreme thoroughness in all that I do
5. make myself available for those who need me at all times
6. give objective, but empathetic insights
7. assert myself
8. care for my son
9. organize my home
10. make other people laugh

Now it goes on to suggest writing out 10 things that take away from your worth, perhaps even more helpful than the prior list because it helps you recognize things (so you can release them)...

1. listening to negative people (my mother, Donovan, Teniele...etc)
2. surrounding myself with negative people
3. believing and taking heart in what negative people say
4. questioning myself
5. doubting myself
6. holding onto limiting beliefs from others about myself
7. not trying my best
8. not being who I am or can be
9. not questioning others beliefs/thoughts about me
10. taking others at face value rather than analyzing where they are coming from (about me)

The ideas of releasing the negative, and re-writing who I believe myself to be are very powerful and ultimately very integral to myself right now I think.  With all the change and issues going on with me lately (trying to rebuild my relationship, coping with the trials of being a new parent to a newborn, and the struggles associated with both) I have come to realize just how little I value myself, and the "number" it's doing on my psyche...As far as loving myself, I'd love to do that, but I don't know how.  Until just now I didn't really understand what love was, but I know it each time I look at my son, each time I look at my other half - my heart swells with love for them to the point where I feel like bursting into tears because I never believed I would have such wonderful people in my life.  That I would deserve them or that I could ever really love someone as much as I love them both.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:Improve your Sense of Worth

• How can I improve my sense of worth?

By believing in myself.  Seeing the good person I am, the good I can and do do.  Owning who I am and how great that person is.  By realizing that even if I'm not perfect and even if I don't do everything right all the time I still do a great job and more importantly I try and that counts.  Realizing how worthwhile I am to be around, what a great friend and person in general that I am and can be.

• What does it mean to you to be a woman?

It's definitely not just about being girly.  And to me that has little to do with connecting to my womanhood since I'm not the "girly" type.  But then again it's important to honor the distinction between us and the other sex.  It doesn't mean that either is devalued or valued more over the other, but each is important in it's own right.  It's being sensitive, dressing up, putting on make-up, wearing heels, being "giddy as a school girl" sometimes, going googly eyed over something in a store window, window shopping, enjoying time out with girl friends...

• What action steps might you take to reclaim your feminine power?

Definitely do those things that are associated with women.  Not because it's expected, but in order to connect with that energy.  Being so "anti-girl" I think that is part of where my misogynism stems from.  I don't really connect with that part of myself and I can even recall saying on many occasions - I'm not a girl I just look like one.  I need to stop self-depreciating being a girl and own those things knowing that in owning them I am not less of myself by any means.

*laugh my ass off about calling your Va-jj "Rebecca"*
A bit of reflection.  I was thinking about what I physically look like...and what I looked like about five or six years ago.  Now I have a bob with bangs, a handful of piercings and a number of tattoos.  Then I had no ink, short hair, lots of piercings (and was skinny of course).  I definitely feel like someone's mom right now, but I'm not altogether pleased with how I look.  I feel like I've "let myself go" and lost touch with what I want to look like, how I wish to express myself physically...I feel like I need to do something about this...
I'm finishing up the chapter, have all the last articles linked open, I think it's funny that owning femininity came up since it's definitely something I need/want to work on.
In the first article the statement about "if it's not making money, it's not a business" hits me hard.  I've had my other half say it to me and it definitely stings and hurts something awful.  On the other hand, to be realistic it's true.  At this point I have two expensive hobbies, neither of which I've been even paying attention to as of late...(which makes me feel awful by the way)...
Reading through another article I realize that one of the reasons why I'm finally getting my head out of my ass about my relationship with my other half (as well as me plowing through some other things I have needed to work on) is that I've been doing this course.  While the birth of my son and some of the feelings/realizations this work has cause has derailed me a bit from the progress I was making the time away reminds me and makes me realize just how important this course has been for me.  I really do owe Lissa something that "thank you" just doesn't cover.  She has, effectively, saved me from myself, helped me open my eyes, and allowed me to come into my own and who and what I want to be and really finally after all these years of struggling GET "there".  She has saved my life, in a real way that despite the fact that I still had to do all the work myself, she ultimately made it possible.
Moving on to the article about feminists I have to laugh, namely because while I respect everyone's right to be who and what they want I have always shied away from the idea of feminism because I felt it went "too much" over to the other side and in reality this notion of the "extremist" feminist is just what this article is not talking about being! :pEmbracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 11...

This chapter definitely starts out with a bang, talking about how to access your body's knowledge.  As Lissa says she spends most of her time in her head, thinking.  I know I do the same thing as is ultra evident from the fact that I'm not very physically active and that I often forget to do things like slow down, eat, and resist sleeping...
1.  How often do you notice the quality of your breathing?  Right now, are you aware if it's shallow, deep, relaxed, short, or choppy?  Take a deep breath and see.
Honestly I don't even notice it.  In fact I know for a fact from past experience that I often forget to breathe, particularly if I tense up or am concentrating too hard.  I know in turn this makes my body work harder and less efficiently.  I also know that breath (like water) is vital to the body.  When I take the time to actively focus on my breathing I know I tend to try to breathe deeply and evenly.
2.  How often do you consciously pause from what you are doing to take a few deep, full, relaxing breaths?
Never.
3.  How often do you scan your body to connect you with how you are really feeling?  For example, do you check to see if your belly is relaxed or if your shoulders are crunched, if your jaw and hands are relaxed, etc.?
I honestly don't notice much until it leads to discomfort, then it's an after thought and I realize that I must have been tense or slouching or something like that.  I am very ungrounded in the physical it seems.  I can also definitely say I ignore or "put off" many of my body's functions.  When I'm hungry, but working I often put off stopping or taking a break because "I just want to finish" and I know that stopping will make it take longer.  Sometimes I'll do this to the point where I tax myself and become overly tired or feel sick because I'm so hungry.  I do not make my body and how it feels a priority. :(
4.  When you feel an uncomfortable sensation, pain or emotion in your body, is your tendency to tune into it for a length of time and listen to what it may be telling you, or do you ignore or try to get ride of the feeling immediately?
I won't say I ignore it, but I may not notice something until it's a problem.  I know that at the point that I am noticing it there is no just making it go away so I usually sit with it a little bit realizing whatever may be the likely cause.  Like I have had a tooth hurting lately and I believe it's because I'm tensing my jaw without realizing it, putting too much pressure on that tooth (which isn't normal for the way one's jaw is supposed to sit).  I have yet to catch myself doing the tensing but I'm sure that's what it is.
5.  Would you say you have a body-friendly vocabulary, or do you say things like, "I could just kick myself for doing that," "That guy gives me a headache," or, "This job makes me sick and is a big pain in the neck"?  Might you say even harsher things like, "I hate my body"?  If you do, are you aware of when and how often you say them, or is it an unconscious habit?
I don't have a body-friendly vocabulary, but since I've moved away from certain things in my life it's "not as bad" as it used to be I think.  I try to focus more on the positive so I try to dwell less on anything unpleasant or if I express it I try to not do so repeatedly.  I don't really think about these words though when I use them.
6.  Are you aware of how congruent your words and body language are?  Do you notice when  your mouth is saying one thing and your body is communicating something completely different?  When y you're telling others how you're doing, do you stop to notice how you're actually feeling?  Do you act "fine" - or even cheerful - even when your stomach is nervous, your chest is tight, or your jaw is clenched?
Usually not, but I do tend to give people certain answers when I may want to be left alone or don't feel well to hurry them off because I do not wish to discuss with them whatever is bothering me.
7.  When you make big or even small decisions, do you take a moment to consult with how your body feels before you decide, or do you just use your mind?  Do you check in with what you're feeling in your gut or heart?
I can honestly say usually no.  But if I "get a bad feeling" about something I try to pay attention to it and if I proceed I do so cautiously.  Most of those feelings though are in my head not elsewhere, though I have gotten an upset tummy when I was emotionally concerned about the outcome of something (that resulted in a near friendship ending argument).  I also think that learning to tune in personally will help me to help others do this and be a better medical intuitive.
8.  On a scale of one to ten, how comfortable do you generally feel in your own skin?  How consciously connected are you to your body, its signals, posture, habits, and the messages that is broadcasts?
I really see most things as an afterthought and after that it's "too late" and I just kind of have to wait for it to subside.  But I know I'm very tense a lot of the time, constantly maintaining poor posture and while I try to remember to fix these things by relaxing and sitting properly - they're such long standing habits that it's much easier to forget to do what I need to do than to remember.
I think I have a very low to medium body quotient.  I'm not 100% oblivious to these things but I notice much of them after the fact when I can't correct the issue because it's too late and already happened.  I need to learn to pay better attention, especially as a healer.  While I don't need to be "perfect" it's a better idea for me to model what I would suggest to someone else.  It puts faith in what I'm saying and shows the benefits versus being hypocritical and not practicing what I preach.
I know I have one of Louise Hay's books, but I definitely want to get the one suggested if it's not what I have.  I find her connections between the emotions and the body very interesting.
I definitely want to include the concept of "having a conversation with your body" into my practice as well.
Playwork:  Take the Elevator Down
When I did this exercise I went through and for wants thought about everything I basically wanted in my life.  I want to be enriched and fulfilled, doing work I love and making money.  I want to heal and help other heal, I want to sell all of my art and works and make more and sell more and so on.
When I "felt" my body I noticed that I was calm, I was breathing evenly, and sitting with good posture.  I didn't feel any tightness or tension as I though about these things, I felt no nervousness or doubt or worry or pressure.  Just a quiet contentment and small inward smile at having these things.


As a friend commented today after we had a long talk (mostly me talking) I need to focus more on me.  Reflecting on what she said I admitted to her (and myself) that I rarely think about me.  While I'm an integral part of the equation I never bother with nurturing or working with myself.  I immediately rush to do everything for everyone and everything outside of myself.  Doing this drains me because I take nothing in and I never replenish myself or my stores of energy in any other way.  Because of this it becomes harder and harder to do anything and I become bitter, angry, and upset.  Eventually I crack, I have to "go away" and retreat because otherwise there'll be nothing left of me to give to anyone, including myself.
I think I need to be gentler with myself and my stores of energy.  And that I need to be more mindful of the stress and effort I'm putting out.  If I can't do something, or am not sure of the time I can do something in I need to learn to say no.  If I don't have the time or desire to do it - if I'm not "on fire" to do something and it really feels like a bother or a strain, I need to say no.  Should I deny bothering to help anyone else with anything?  I don't think so because I like to help others and I would want to be helped.  But I don't need to go needlessly out of my way all the time.  And I do need to take time to put forth as much effort for myself as for anyone else.
Secret Sauce Writing Exercises

• Let Your Body Write You a Letter...

Dear Alana,
I hurt.  I'm stressed and you're putting too much pressure on me.  You're holding onto things you need to release and you know it.  I came about when you were working in the beginning and I visit from time to time but always when you're overly stressed.  But you don't "sit with me" you just complain and lament that I came to visit and never take the time to understand WHY I dropped by.  Eventually I go away because you sort of get the point and you lay off a bit, but for the fact that I continue to "pop up" it's obvious that you haven't learned what you were supposed to yet.  I'm really one-sided too and that is also a sign that you need to be more balanced.  Taking a load off, being gentle with yourself, and acknowledging your limitations is not a flaw - it's healthy.  Embrace me, work to understand me, and realize that I will only go away when you learn what I'm trying to tell you and work on it.
Not so lovingly,Your left shoulder...
To be completely honest at first I thought that letter would be a little silly, but as I unfetteredly opened myself up to what it had to say I realized just how out of tune I am and how right that pain/discomfort is.

• Create your own radical self-care plan...

It's funny that this was brought up since I literally just drafted some of my thoughts (see bottom) about this.  While I'm not ready/able to start this self-care just yet having some ideas about it helps.


As Lissa mentions performing radical self-care can be hard when we go to try and manifest our dreams.  We get so caught up in trying to "do" that we forget to "be" and neglect our bodies and the messages they are trying to tell us.  I know this all too well for even now as we speak I am keeping myself up, even when I should have gone to bed 25 minutes ago.  Instead of honoring the limitation I set to get to bed at midnight I'm pushing past it.  In my case tonight though I'm not tired and in fact went to sleep several times during the day due to being upset and feeling on the desire to sleep.  I spent my waking time on the phone talking to girlfriends and my other half's mom venting and putting out there some of the things that are bothering me.
However, most other times when I'm tired or at least "should" go to bed I push past, I embrace my insomnia (and help make it worse) and do not honor myself.  I sit eating snacks and chugging soda (something I literally just did) ignoring the fact that if I'm really hungry I should try a healthier snack to nourish my body, maybe even take a break and relax while I do it.
Now I come to Lissa's suggestion of a radical self-care program.  The first thing says to get rid of refined sugar and "junk".  Honestly I balk at this.  I don't want to.  I am okay with eating it, and generally I don't eat that much of it.  In my pregnancy I've been naughty and indulged myself but usually I don't allow myself more than one soda can or glass a day.  When I need sweets I go for 100% juice or fruits and while I may have some "junky sweets" I usually limit myself to one a day with those as well.  Today not so much.  I've been self-soothing with junk because I'm upset and generally being a "lazy bug".  Another balking is not having the means to do a juice cleanse and wondering how it will affect my baby and milk production.  While I'm sure that junk isn't good for baby I don't know that abstaining from certain things without getting those nutrients elsewhere is a good thing.  So much so that I actually just messaged Lissa to ask her about it.  While I would like to cleanse my body - as I'm sure it's full of junk in general just from years of being poorly cared for - I'm not sure I'm ready to just "jump in" and I'd want to do so the "right" way versus without careful thought.
I'm very heartened as I continued to read and Lissa goes on to say that it's okay to not do it perfectly and that making one's own "radical self-care" goals is best.  While I would still like to start out with hers, it's to give me inspiration and gumption to make my own.  But some thoughts come to mind about what I'd like to include:

• Read something inspirational everyday (either right in the morning or before bed - but anytime works!)
• Refrain from negative attitudes and their expression (arguing, criticizing, nitpicking, etc.)  If you feel the undying urge to commit one of these things take a mental step back think about why, question whether it's worth it (realize it's not), and let it go.
• Make peace with being able to do what you can do in a day.  If it doesn't all get done everyday it's okay, there's time later.
• Exercise.  If it's just your morning yoga, so be it.  If you don't feel up to real movement at least stretch, and sit with your body releasing any tension or tightness.
• Drink water between meals.
• Take your vitamins.
• Only 1 soda/junk food a day (if that).
• Journal.
• Meditate - ideally morning and evening.
• Take a break - 15 minutes to 1 hour - to just be.  You can relax, sit quietly, read or do whatever.
• Spend time outside, weather permitting.

That's all I have for now, but I think I will definitely be altering parts of it and start with Lissa's suggestions.

Thinking carefully I've decided that while I don't wish to go vegetarian or vegan.  Taking some excess out of my diet and getting it back to where I would like it (limiting non-healthy snacks, sticking mostly to fruits when I want something sweet, and drinking more water) will be best for me and make me happy.  I've also decided that while I don't want to go full throttle, doing a cleanse at least once a year (maybe more depending on how I feel about it) would be great and would be something that I'd like to do for myself for my birthday.  (That makes the date far enough away to allow me to possibly gather together money to buy what I need to perform.)

Having laid down and eventually sleeping on it (but also stressing and being angry about some personal issues due to my other half being incognito from 10 pm to 2 am without any explanation of what, where, or why) I think that undergoing a cleanse wouldn't be a bad idea, even if I only do it periodically.  While this first run I think I'll do around/on my birthday (because I need time to get money to buy what I need and find some things) I might do it on the Equinoxes & Solstices from that point on depending on how I feel about the first "run".

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 10...

To be totally honest, I can't believe I'm this far along.  I can believe I've gotten through 2 whole modules or the amount that I've written.  But it's there, it's done, and I can't say it didn't happen when I look at my blog's archives.  I still feel a bit held back though.  I recognize a lot of old unnecessary patterns that I'm still maintaining, but I can much better see them than before.  And while I still have a picture of my dreams, I'm realizing it's not as crystal clear as I thought it was at first - but that means I can break out the Windex, clean the glass and clarify it.

I am worthy!

I am valuable!

I am enough!

I am sparkly!

I am abundant!

I am generous!

I am influential!

I am powerful!

I am beautiful!

(just the way I am)

I am Whole!

Affirmations are definitely something I believe in, but like with a lot of things I tend to forget to do them...oops.

When Lissa talks about the 10 sure fire signs you're getting in your own way I smile to myself because I know it's these things that got me into the course.  I knew and saw myself doing a lot of these things on a daily basis.  And while it wasn't apparent until it was pointed out, now that I have seen it I'm amazed just at how much I was really stopping myself from accomplishing - even though I consider myself to be a fairly productive person!


1.  You procrastinate.

I definitely think this is something I'm famous for.  I put more on my plate than I can handle and make limited headway in anything because I have "just too much" to do.  But the only reason I have that much to do is because I keep piling things up without getting more done and before I've even gotten a chunk of it out of the way.  One thought would be to write everything down I want/need to get done and then pick a few things to work on every day or week and just make headway little by little.  With my projects and pieces for my businesses, and even with the tasks for each, I've done a bit of this already and I see that while it may not satisfy the work-a-holic in me, I have marked off a number of projects off my mountainous list just in keeping to this practice.  (Add into this a need to forgive myself for not being "perfect" to my schedule, and that it's okay if I only get to one thing or do only a little bit - it is something and I should be grateful for whatever amount I get done period!)

2.  You're forgetful.

I know I can vouch for this one.  I keep so much on my plate, on my to do list, and want do get so much done that it's hard to remember it all.  The simple solution seems to be to write it down.  However, I seem to lose those lists too or forget about them.  Or not check them, or if I do...I see how much I have to do and it gets overwhelming and I feel like I'll "never" get through it all.

3.  You avoid making tough decisions.

I don't think I avoid them in the conventional way - with having no intention of ever making them - but rather definitely question myself on them.  While I may not know something about how to accomplish a task I don't necessary find out the best way, or I don't know how to, and so I make whatever decision and then wonder if I should have.  I may put off making a decision saying to myself I need to make an informed decision - but I never take the time to do what I need to to inform myself properly.  (This goes hand in hand with my procrastination and forgetfulness.)

4.  You keep conjuring negative outcomes.

I know for a fact that I do this.  As a major worry-wart I freak out about everything jumping to sometimes wild and really outlandish assumptions.  However, they never seem that outlandish and even if they're several jackrabbit leaps away from where I am...I worry.  Not having experience with what I may be trying to do makes it worse because I never can tell whether a delay is normal or due to something having gone wrong.  I don't want to trust that everything will go smoothly once it's out of my hands and I don't expect that anyone can or will do as good a job as I'd like about it because I think to myself, well this is my dream not theirs so they won't put forth as much effort.

5.  You surround yourself with people who get in your way, instead of people who lift you up.

I know a lot of people in my life who are needy and unsupportive of my path and many of them have been loved ones.  On one hand I don't know how I have so many people who are like that, or needy or whatever.  But then again as a healer, counselor, and caretaker it's not surprising that I am attracting these people.   I don't mean to and while I don't know how it started I think that maybe now the expectation that I will attract these type of people encourages it to keep happening... :(

6.  You tell yourself you don't have the time.

I'm not sure that it's really that I don't have time per se.  But that I've put off doing what I need to do to make my dreams come true.  I put everyone else first and have lots of obligations to get things done that seem to always come first and before whatever I need or want.  Now at this point I have so much to do it feels like I'll never get it all done to "make things happen"...

7.  You lose patience - with yourself and others.

I definitely see myself do this one a lot.  I want things done and usually "now".  I know I get impatient when someone is supposed to be "doing something for me" and they don't get around to it, especially when I don't know that they did or didn't do whatever.  I have seen my frustration in action when my day starts off poorly and it causes me to snap at my dog or otherwise not feel like doing anything.  Which in turn has me feeling even more icky as I beat myself up for getting "nothing" done, or at least "not enough" done.

8.  You make excuses.

My perfectionism seems to go hand in hand with this one.  I want things done just so and if I can't do them that way I can tend towards not doing them at all :(.  Then there is the schedule I've put myself on.  While it's given me a very good grasp of my time and how long things really take I tend towards wanting to do everything on it everyday "perfectly" so when I fall short because I got up late or took longer than the time I allot for something it can be discouraging.  I need to view the schedule as an ideal and a guideline, rather that wrote law.

9.  You suffer from overwhelm paralysis.

I know I talked about dealing with this earlier.  That since I have put off things for so long the tasks just pile up more and more to a point where it's like I have "the Great Wall of China" to get done as far as my tasks.

10.  You tell yourself you can't.

Again I think this one likes to go along with several others mentioned here, which makes them all ultimately harder to deal with because even when it seems you get over one part of the problem, another part crops up!

Continuing on with my reading for this chapter the first suggestion to get out of your own way and ditch the limiting/false beliefs is to "create sacred space"...As a Pagan and a very spiritual person I know all about what sacred space is...but as I look around my home I notice that there isn't any for me anymore.  There are just piles and piles and...dare I say it, more piles.  I have several places that I *could* establish some sacred space but with my procrastination, fear, doldrums, tiredness & fatigue ruling my life I've seriously let it slide by the way side.  I don't even remember the last time I did something really spiritually oriented for myself...It's definitely time to change that...

But even as I feel myself making that resolution I balk a little bit.  We have a combined living/dining/kitchen area, tiny bathroom area that is combined with the public laundry area, and then the bedroom which is a lesson in clutter in and of itself.  HOW am I going to find room to have anything sacred or nice?  And don't even get me started on the fact that we have a baby on the way - quite literally due to "pop out" at any time now and I have to keep our space - limited as hell as it is - baby safe as well...

While I could blame a good deal of the clutter on my other half, (as his areas are the worst with piles), mine are bad too and partially for the same reason...piling + procrastination.  I think the best bet is to ultimately make my home (at least this room) my sacred space altogether.  But to do it in little bits.  Trying to tackle the entire room and everything in it will be too much and likely cause me to give up.  But taking 15 minutes a day to "tidy" up one area at a time will do wonders, and make me feel better...

As always I'm amazed by the affect of what 15 steady minutes of work will do in decluttering.  Since I last wrote here I have cleared off my "work table" (which was becoming a study in piling as well as holding my project pieces) and moved the projects I'm working on now over to my desk area and the project area over there.  Put the table away, cleared out under it and while I have admittedly made a few piles they are smaller and merely set as reminders of ... next time I declutter I need to put this away somewhere.  Now the room is looking more open again and I'm several steps closer to having my space be sacred again!  *big smile*

It's also funny how once I get started with my decluttering it's easy to keep it going.  So far all I have left is finishing my hour of personal reading (which I'm doing now) and then 15 minutes of rest & relaxation!  While it may have taken me into the next day it's done and I'm feeling all the better that I was able to get so much done!

As I'm reading through Lissa's musings on where she finds the peace she needs to open herself up to making positive change (outside in Nature and near Big Sur) I laugh as I continue reading and she comes to mention that one's home environment should be free of clutter too...I laugh because that was the first place I went to mentally as my sanctuary.  While I relish being out in Nature and among the wilds I often find myself cooped up, inside, or "too busy" to connect anymore.  I can also say that as a result of this need to feel busy my life has become more and more complicated it seems.  Funny how those things seem to go hand in hand...

She also mentions that you should make space in all areas of your life - including your schedule.  Just earlier I was reflecting at my lack of motivation lately (which we'll chalk partially up to nearing the end of my pregnancy and me trying to get in some rest while I can).  My schedule is busy to the brim - but as a result more of timing things and giving myself space to do what I feel I need to do everyday at home and at work.  However I'm sure to others it looks like I just am keeping busy, most of it is easy maintenance (for home stuff) and necessary to dos (like hygiene).  And for those work things I have to do - it's steady progress to allow me to not have to do those things anymore (I really don't need 5 hours of project time everyday, but when I have nearly 80 projects unfinished those 5 hours mean I can lessen that load.)

Another reflection...right now its 3 am...and I'm wide awake and I feel energized.  And I'll bet that a large part of it stems from me having a feeling of accomplishment and reduced stress because I have gotten through my list for "today"...

More reflections...Lissa refers to what I would likely call the Ego (the fear-based thought creator) as the Gremlin.  I think of The Secret and how it goes on that holding feelings of lack and other negativities hold one back from manifesting one's desires.  While I agree with the Law of Attraction I can really see how that book falls short on helping people.  There's a lot more work, a step-by-step process even to getting through these blocks and while The Secret skims over some ideas on how, nothing really goes in depth enough to help someone who may not know how to proceed or is so inundated with their negative thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.

Lissa's advice to "disassociate" from the Gremlin is ground breaking.  Really, it's not rocket science, but it's the key.  I know that it's too easy to hear the Gremlin sound just like you, and people you care about and respect.  But the truth is those who love, respect, and care about you in reality want you to have your dreams, they want you to succeed, and they only want to support you.  However, we're all programmed in this society to see everything as obligatory.  You have to have a steady mainstream job, liking your job isn't an option, doing what you love is for dreamers...  These thoughts infest your mind and the minds of others so that they can't see the reality of the situation - that life is how you perceive it to be and what you make of it.  If you think it's all about the dollar, then that's all it's about.  So what I find helpful is to imagine this silly little Gremlin (ironically enough much like the nasty creatures from Gremlins) with it's mockingbird voice, imitating people I will listen to - including myself.  Seeing and associating that mental image helps me to see that it isn't really the Souls of these beings wishing me ill but a Pretender.  And that makes it that much easier to dismiss.

Self-worth is definitely an issue.  Hearing so many times that what one wants and desires is "folly" or "not worth any time" really can take a toll on those dreams.  It makes you feel stupid for having them, and question your very nature for having them...

I believe noticing that your Gremlin is in your corner secretly (or not so secretly) rooting for you and catching it in the act may be the hardest part of this task.  When it's obvious it's easy to spot, and much easier to deal with - but when the Gremlin sounds like familiar voices and even yourself...or even a disembodied thought that you take as your own you will run into trouble.  Definitely question the truth of the statements and accusations made is key to dispelling them - as that's part of the approach Wayne Dyer gives in dealing with excuses (which many of these negativities spouted by our Gremlins resemble).  If there's a shadow of a doubt that's enough to help break apart the fear.

When I think about it my Ego/Gremlin doesn't care about me.  It only wants to keep existing, keep itself like a parasite firmly rooted in my mind.  Thinking outside of the box and joyfully and manifesting my true desires doesn't suit the Gremlin because it proves it wrong.  Being compassionate with myself is likely to be very difficult because inwardly I critique myself so harshly.  I know my abilities, have seen myself get things done and hold that I should always get the same amount done all the time.  What this doesn't take into consideration is that sometimes I'm tired or sick or things come up.  I have no remorse for myself with these things and say to myself, "Well you're capable you should be able to handle it all..."  The reality - everyone needs a break and to rest.

Part of my struggles are internal and center around some habits I have that while they may have served before may or may not now.  I keep thinking of my schedule.  Everyone tells me I have "too much to do".  But to me setting it up like this allows for me make a little headway everyday on the "piles" I've let accumulate through the years.  Before "now" I haven't made a real effort to get these things done so I've made little or no progress on them at all.  This has ultimately led to me having a ridiculous amount of things to do so the only way to get through these things now is to DO them.

I have to laugh a bit when I see mention of releasing rituals.  Already there has been one mentioned and it's brought up again, with allusion to others later, that of burning away things.  I know how to do this - I know to do this, and yet I forget or just don't think about it.  It's amazing the power we take away from ourselves when we forget who/what we are...

It's funny to me that Lissa mentions that what she originally thought OwningPink.com would be and what it turned out to be are not the same.  The "getting out of your business' way" definitely strikes a chord with me. For me I have two businesses and on the surface they don't seem overly linked but at the heart they are.  However, one thing I seem to struggle with is defining my store.  I can tell you some of the things I sell based on what I make, but really and truly I don't have a nice pretty sentence to describe it.  Like me it is a number of things and that proves a definite difficulty in making it clear "what it is I do".  Part of me strives to be able to clearly answer that question, but when I say, "I make art & sell it" that falls far short of what I am really doing.  It leaves me in a definite rift because while being specific will answer the question it'll also unanswer the question.  Yes I make art, but that's soooooo broad.  I don't paint on canvases, I don't do sculpture.  Those are bits of art but not mine.  I like functional art - and while everything I make may not be functional for everyone a good bit of it is.  But some of my stuff is just inspired...I got an idea, thought it was neat and ran with it.  What about those things?  Then there is the large "Pagan" element to my store.  What about those things?  Again some of it is art, some is functional, some is just inspired.  I try to pinpoint it again and feel I'm missing something critical...

"Follow the YES"  Definitely good advice :)!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• Where does the energy in your life seem to flow right now?  What comes easily?  What feels effortless?

I guess maybe just getting started.  While I have episodes of being "too tired to want to do anything", I was able to make a schedule and mostly stick to it.  My schedule serves the purpose of "clearing the clutter" and keeping me on track at the same time.  I have trouble managing my time because I'll get into a mode and just do one thing to the detriment of all else (eg stay in the pjs all day playing with yarn).  While the focus is okay it ultimately doesn't help to just do one thing all day.  It usually leaves me sick and tired of doing that one thing and then I desperately want a break and I put it away forgetting about it because I "overdid it".

I think my art and working on it - or doing healing work/research comes the most easy to me.  Which is great since those are the fields I wish to work in.  Even when I work all day with those things I don't necessarily feel that I was "working" (in a negative sense).

• Where are you finding roadblocks?  Where does it feel like you're pushing too hard?

My motivation wanes a lot, and not with anything in particular.  Sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything.  It's not that I don't have things to do, or even that I want want to do them - it's a lack of energy and will to do them.  I know I feel this a lot when it comes to exercising.  I know it's good for me but to get myself to do it...it's damn near impossible.  And even after when I feel better for doing it I still fight with it.  I'm not sure why.  The only other obvious roadblocks would be my "limited success" with my businesses.  But I think that's stemming from me not putting myself out there enough and not putting forth all the effort I could/should be for my dreams to manifest.  I mean since when has "half-assing it" ever really paid off?

• What insights does this bring to you?  Is the Universe trying to tell you anything?  Might you shift your focus in some way?

That I need to find out what saps my motivation.  As Michelle mentioned in the group when I said something about it - she tries to sit with it and understand her resistance rather than fight with it.  I know that I either fight it and lose or just give up because I figure I'll just lose anyhow so why bother.  But she's right, it's a much better idea (and as a healer I know this and hold this to be true yet I forget when it comes to me...) to understand something before you dismiss or change it.  Many times having perspective on an issue turns it around completely and makes a huge difference and can even dispel it.

• What do you need to release in order to move forward?

I really cannot help but laugh about this as I read it.  Today on the forum there was a lot of talking about pain and release and healing etc.  It came to my mind the argument I had yesterday and the hurtful and hateful things that came out, how it made me feel and the realization that while I may have progressed with some issues I had not fully healed them all and some were much more tender than I'd realized.  I think the most succinct way to answer this question is that I need to release my anger, "upsetness", and taking offense to certain things in my past.  I long had struggled with the thought that I might be "crazy" to the point where I would flip out if anyone seriously implied it of me.  I also have issues about "feeling stupid", "not good enough" or otherwise like what I do/want/am is a "waste of time".  The reality is that what I feel is most important.  If it's important to me, who cares if it means nothing to anyone else.  If I know that I am capable and good at even one thing I'm really not stupid.  I may not know something about a given subject or be what others would call "intellectual" but that is their definition not mine and I don't need to define myself by the standards of others, only my own.  Which should be self-derived rather than based on the status quo.  The hardest part will not be in deciding what I need to let go, but in the letting go.

• What practical steps might you take to begin this release process?

The first step, always I think, is acknowledgement/realization of the issue.  I spoke with my friend Angel today and she suggested a methodology that involved looking at the things that upset or anger you and realizing that you are making the decision to allow these things to do this and thusly you can make the decision for them not to.  I think trust is key here.  That realizing the most important opinion about me is my own and that I was put here to be me and only me and no one else can do that but me is also important.  Realizing that while the person may or may not mean it personally, it's their Ego (fear & anger...etc) talking not their Higher Self.  So really it's just surface stuff.  I think doing a physical release ritual will also help to bolster the movement from this kind of thinking along, but in the end making and sticking with these conscious decisions will be the best bet.

Today (June 2) I got angry...and with that anger came all the mean and discouraging voices the Gremlin takes on.  All the fears, worries, and judgments came to the surface of my mind and spewed forth like hot acid seeming to devour my lovely marshmallow dreams.  Even though I know these thoughts and listening to them doesn't serve me "making them go away" is still hard.  They're so familiar, and even bedmates of mine you could say, so I don't initially think twice when I hear them.  I just sullenly hang my head, tears in my eyes trying to keep my lip from quivering...

What's funny about this is as it asked what you need to let go.  I immediately think of my ex, who did nothing but hold me back.  He was never truly supportive of who and what I was and only "pretended" to be.  The moment there was an argument he went and said how I was "wasting my time" and that my business "would never make money".  These echoed the sayings of my mother and today even I had some of the same from my current.  It honestly shook me to my core.  Even though I have a volatile temper I don't like confrontation, and I shy away from physical violence and a lot came up today - in the form of storming out, bad memories, and painful reflections.  I realize that I'm still holding on to the horrible things that have been said to me and letting them rule my reactions.  Instead of taking into perspective that things may merely be said in anger and the people saying them may not understand even what they're talking about or how their words affect me.

I realize that part of me trying to get away from that was breaking up with my ex.  He was so negative about everything all the time.  He never saw anything positive and never encouraged me.  Now my situation with my current isn't the same, but the stresses he's enduring and that are around us both are causing each of us to bring out the worst in one another.  I don't think that this relationship is "doomed to fail" but there are definitely some changes that need to be made.  And some realizations that need to be put into perspective.

Playwork:  A Release Ritual

I think this will be helpful, as I said earlier the physical work will bolster the mental work.  While I've tried things similar to this before I don't think I really put the effort into it that I will be now.  While I'll do this ritual merely by myself right now, inviting my other half and some close friends to do it with me at some point would be good I think.

I did the ritual, and the one suggested about money/abundance in the suggested reading and I feel good.  It was also fun to watch my "issues" go up in the smoke as the flame danced across and devoured the paper.  I think that whenever I have an issue I'm going to start implement candle/fire magick - which is what this is akin to - to help me more physically release it.

*An interesting aside - for my abundance exercise the candle has gone out 2x already.  As a Witch to me this is a sign that there is a LOT blocking the energy which is what is extinguishing the candle.  But I'm not going to give up - I'll keep lighting it until it burns all the way.  But I will Reiki the candle to help me release blockages...*


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 2 - Chapter 9...

My first thought for this chapter is that I don't feel that I've clarified anything.  While I can see things that have been holding me back and I've better acknowledged my shortcomings and those voices and some of the differences between just plain fear as a result of my Ego wanting control and things that might actually be in my best interest.

It seems like a little thing compared to other things.  But I think my next leap is a rather small, yet mentally difficult, one.  Maybe it's two.  I think firstly that I need to surrender my idea that "every job" I get at my level in healthcare is my last one, or will be my worst one, or will result in me being unhappy, drained, and unfulfilled and something I will end up having to quit.  My second leap I think will be to learn to trust.  The thing with this second leap is that I think I will just have to start trusting, and that the learning will come rather than me working up to it.  Screw jumping off the cliff.  I'm going to back up and take a running start off it (I'm afraid that if I don't I'll hesitate yet again and stay put.)

While I have already started my businesses and partially committed myself fully to them - yes I know that sounds like it doesn't make much sense - I don't think starting them now is my leap since I've already done that.  In my case I think that the other two things are going to lead more to what I'm supposed to be doing because I haven't done them yet and they will enrich the other small leaps I've taken.

I think now that today's phone call (from the job I at once resisted taking even though I still put in the application) is a sign from the Universe.  As I put up in the "Ask the Universe for What You Need" Posse comment area I think that this might be my "rope ladder to get me out of my hole" and "while it doesn't look like much it will get me from today to tomorrow".  Wayne Dyer says something, quoting someone else I believe, about the small steps leading to great changes.  I think this is part of that in action.  While right now I can't see how taking a job I've come to hate could possibly lead anywhere good - it's a job, in a field I'm trained for that can help pave the way for me to better things.  Taking this job doesn't mean I have to stay, doesn't mean that I can't do other things or progress, it just means that I've taken that position - nothing more and nothing less.

I had another thought...I've always held this belief that when I worked somewhere I had to.  That once I started a job I wasn't allowed to just up and leave because "that's not what responsible adults do".  And while I've felt relief when leaving every job I've had, I've also felt guilt.  Because I wasn't "earning my keep".  Where I got this idea that I had to work one place, stay there, and all that I have no idea.  But looking back that is certainly how I behaved.

I think another problem is that I have been interpreting my distaste for the work and how it makes me feel in the wrong way.  I keep assuming that it means I'm not supposed to do that work at all, and while that may be true that's not all of it.  I have realized part of what my dreams are, but I still am struggling to get there.  And I thought that when I realized what they were they would magically just come to fruition.  But everything needs some effort, even if it's only a little bit.  I also realize that while I may have realized some of my dreams, they're not as clear as I thought they were.  They're kind of "spotty" and so they haven't manifested as fully as I want, but then I don't really even know all of what that want even is - so how could I tell if they had anyhow?

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What big changes have you chosen in your life (as opposed to those that happened to you)?

I chose to try and start my two businesses, to study Reiki, and just go for it.

• When you made those choices, were you motivated by fear or faith?  Did you just believe, in spite of everything, that things would work out?  Or were you making your choice because you were afraid of what would happen if you didn't?  List each choice and determine whether it was fear-based or faith-based.

 I was motivated by a strong desire to do something that mattered to me.  I didn't really think of it in terms of believing or disbelieving so much as knowing that this is what I'm supposed to do, period.

• When you think about taking your leap, how does your body feel?  Buoyant?  Electric?  Heavy?  Clenched? Only you can interpret what your body is trying to tell you.

It feels right, and there is like some inner sigh of relief and a mumbled voice saying, "It's about time."

• What fears arise when you think about taking your leap?

I really don't think about them, because fear isn't an option.  Having lived the life dictated rather than dreamed I can't consider doing otherwise.

• If you knew you had only a year to live, would you still want to take this leap?  Why or why not?

Yes.  It's the "right" thing.  And not morally or ethically, but soulfully.

• Begin to explore your leap by finishing these sentences:

If I knew I couldn't fail, I would...live my dream 100%.
If I had all the money in the world, I would...quit "working for the man", get my degree in nursing and start my own practice, pay off all my debts, buy a house and a brand new car of my dreams, and full self fund my businesses.
If I didn't care what people thought of me, I would...be myself all the time.
If there were zero negative consequences to my actions, I would...be and express myself to everyone all the time.

Reading through the last articles before this module is over the second one talks about mortality and living life.  While it's pretty morbid and isn't exactly the nicest thing to think about, it's all too true.

And now just finally I have finished the final article, which was a magnificent narrative of the journey that Lissa took from Dr to Healer, from fear to hope & joy...I want to do that too!


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 2 - Chapter 8...

I definitely understand the leaps of fear, although sometimes in my experience they were like leaps of some invisible slave driver, one that meted out "you're supposed to be doing this, now mush...".  But I definitely felt like a lot of the things I did I did because I "had to" as a result of someone else's expectations rather than a desire, trembling or not.

It's funny, how I look back at my "dreams" for my mid to late teens and how many of my choices seem to echo what Lissa has been through.  Partially into high school I realized that while I "wanted" (eg was expected) to go to college after high school I didn't know what it was I wanted to do.  I got approached, due to one of my class choices, to go to nursing school but I rebelled against that wildly saying I wanted more than that, I wanted to be a doctor or something.  I can remember clearly that one day in class my teacher - a former nurse - said that I would have loved the health expo the class had gone to the day before, especially the pathologist, because I was so inquisitive.  (I had missed it because I had track practice and needed to be there.)  I idly looked up what a pathologist did and just like that decided that was what I wanted to be.  I used to joke that that was the only thing I could do in healthcare because "I had a terrible bedside manner" (which isn't really true) and that "if you ended up on my table you were already dead, so I couldn't make mistakes".  But mostly I think I chose that because it seemed to satisfy a curiosity I had and was "safe"...(the estimation of a six figure salary didn't hurt either).  But one crucial thing in this life I was painting up in my head that I thought I would have was that there was no time for me to be me.  I had no husband or children, I didn't consider time with friends or vacations or anything but work.  I didn't realize that at the time, but I see now at 25...super pregnant...that I didn't make time for me.

What a ridiculous thing to do...




Embracing my dreams one day at a time!