It seems like a little thing compared to other things. But I think my next leap is a rather small, yet mentally difficult, one. Maybe it's two. I think firstly that I need to surrender my idea that "every job" I get at my level in healthcare is my last one, or will be my worst one, or will result in me being unhappy, drained, and unfulfilled and something I will end up having to quit. My second leap I think will be to learn to trust. The thing with this second leap is that I think I will just have to start trusting, and that the learning will come rather than me working up to it. Screw jumping off the cliff. I'm going to back up and take a running start off it (I'm afraid that if I don't I'll hesitate yet again and stay put.)
While I have already started my businesses and partially committed myself fully to them - yes I know that sounds like it doesn't make much sense - I don't think starting them now is my leap since I've already done that. In my case I think that the other two things are going to lead more to what I'm supposed to be doing because I haven't done them yet and they will enrich the other small leaps I've taken.
I think now that today's phone call (from the job I at once resisted taking even though I still put in the application) is a sign from the Universe. As I put up in the "Ask the Universe for What You Need" Posse comment area I think that this might be my "rope ladder to get me out of my hole" and "while it doesn't look like much it will get me from today to tomorrow". Wayne Dyer says something, quoting someone else I believe, about the small steps leading to great changes. I think this is part of that in action. While right now I can't see how taking a job I've come to hate could possibly lead anywhere good - it's a job, in a field I'm trained for that can help pave the way for me to better things. Taking this job doesn't mean I have to stay, doesn't mean that I can't do other things or progress, it just means that I've taken that position - nothing more and nothing less.
I had another thought...I've always held this belief that when I worked somewhere I had to. That once I started a job I wasn't allowed to just up and leave because "that's not what responsible adults do". And while I've felt relief when leaving every job I've had, I've also felt guilt. Because I wasn't "earning my keep". Where I got this idea that I had to work one place, stay there, and all that I have no idea. But looking back that is certainly how I behaved.
I think another problem is that I have been interpreting my distaste for the work and how it makes me feel in the wrong way. I keep assuming that it means I'm not supposed to do that work at all, and while that may be true that's not all of it. I have realized part of what my dreams are, but I still am struggling to get there. And I thought that when I realized what they were they would magically just come to fruition. But everything needs some effort, even if it's only a little bit. I also realize that while I may have realized some of my dreams, they're not as clear as I thought they were. They're kind of "spotty" and so they haven't manifested as fully as I want, but then I don't really even know all of what that want even is - so how could I tell if they had anyhow?
Secret Sauce Writing Exercise
- What big changes have you chosen in your life (as opposed to those that happened to you)?
I chose to try and start my two businesses, to study Reiki, and just go for it.
- When you made those choices, were you motivated by fear or faith? Did you just believe, in spite of everything, that things would work out? Or were you making your choice because you were afraid of what would happen if you didn't? List each choice and determine whether it was fear-based or faith-based.
I was motivated by a strong desire to do something that mattered to me. I didn't really think of it in terms of believing or disbelieving so much as knowing that this is what I'm supposed to do, period.
- When you think about taking your leap, how does your body feel? Buoyant? Electric? Heavy? Clenched? Only you can interpret what your body is trying to tell you.
It feels right, and there is like some inner sigh of relief and a mumbled voice saying, "It's about time."
- What fears arise when you think about taking your leap?
I really don't think about them, because fear isn't an option. Having lived the life dictated rather than dreamed I can't consider doing otherwise.
- If you knew you had only a year to live, would you still want to take this leap? Why or why not?
Yes. It's the "right" thing. And not morally or ethically, but soulfully.
- Begin to explore your leap by finishing these sentences:
If I knew I couldn't fail, I would...live my dream 100%.
If I had all the money in the world, I would...quit "working for the man", get my degree in nursing and start my own practice, pay off all my debts, buy a house and a brand new car of my dreams, and full self fund my businesses.
If I didn't care what people thought of me, I would...be myself all the time.
If there were zero negative consequences to my actions, I would...be and express myself to everyone all the time.
Reading through the last articles before this module is over the second one talks about mortality and living life. While it's pretty morbid and isn't exactly the nicest thing to think about, it's all too true.
And now just finally I have finished the final article, which was a magnificent narrative of the journey that Lissa took from Dr to Healer, from fear to hope & joy...I want to do that too!
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