Module 1 - Chapter 5...

I'm listening to Lissa's video is it worth it and I'm wondering right now if I am with who I am supposed to be.  The heart to heart that she had with her third husband when she met him is something that I feel I might need to do and put it out there with him, ask him to do the same...and I'm scared and nervous as hell.  Because I'm pregnant with his child and we've been together since August and....wow hell of a time to decide this...
I also now worry a little bit that the seeming division in my business life might be harmful to it.  And I wonder if I should tweet/blog/post whatever for both the same thing sometimes to own my authentic self...
Now comes the question...how can I be my authentic self in all these areas of my life...it's a big question, it's scary and I don't know the answer yet...
Having since stressed, fretted, and even sending out a mass email to the GOOYOW group I touched base with my friend Krystal and we discussed some of the sexuality issue.  I definitely feel better and less alone, even though she's all the way in Georgia.
I just read "when you shine your inner pilot light unapologetically even your flaws can become great strengths".  I firmly agree with this as my own struggles I have used to help me relate to others in an, "I know what you're going through", "been there", "this is what I did", and other inspirational ways.  I feel that despite my struggles they have made me stronger, and made me seriously realize some things about myself and my world as well as allowing me a better ability to help others.  I try to hold the attitude & encourage it within others that you should always be grateful, even and especially for the "bad stuff".  Why?  Because if you have ANYthing in  your life that's good, somehow, some way that "bad stuff" helped contribute and that is a blessing that should be cherished.  By no means should you keep making the same bad choices or mistakes, but do take from them the learning and benefit that you can!
At first I wanted to just jump into the later modules, but I cannot get over how integral the unfolding that I am going through and the connection I'm making by really learning to tune in to myself.  While I've said plenty of times that I'm pretty good at this or that or I knew that, many basic facts I just wasn't "in the know about" and I didn't even realize it!  And one major/main factor - I don't ask myself what I think/want/feel EVER, I'm all about other people all the time.  This chapter and the last have really helped me start to turn that around.  In trying to sort through my feelings about sexuality I started an "out loud" dialogue with myself, (yes I was talking to myself).  But in starting that conversation - which ended up leading to a conversation with my dear bestie - I realized some key things that honestly hadn't even occurred to me!
I think my "mediocre" success with my business stems partially (maybe) from my facet division, but mostly from my lack of "putting myself out there" in a real way and having negative thoughts about money.  Even now I hold the view that the only way I can earn money is by working a "real job" and I know that until I make that view go poof I'm not going to rake in the dough, I've shut and locked the door even though prosperity has called and told me it's on it's way...The other issue - putting myself out there - stems from I believe fears and low self-worth.  I worry that if I blab about my businesses I'll be considered "spam".  People will be turned off because it's art and it's "fun" but not necessary.  That I don't talk enough about my healing practice and just frankly no one knows I exist.  This is not me being authentic...
Secret Sauce Writing Exercises

• Do you think living an authentic life is worth the risk?

It is, but it is also definitely scary.  Mostly because at the point that you realize you need a change you have probably been "living a lie" or holding back for quite sometime and it may feel like you're "going against" something inside you to be any other way than what you appear to be.  (Which is true, you're going against your fears.)  Ultimately, I don't think there is any other way to be.

• Are you afraid that if you let your true self be witnessed, you will be rejected?  Does this fear keep you from letting your freak flag fly?  How much are you holding back?

I do hold a fear of rejection, like somehow I will not be good enough or disappoint people with who I am.  But if so, so be it, I don't really need people like that in my life anyhow.  I'd say I'm holding back 40 to 60 percent depending on the situation.

• Whose rejection do you most fear?

In my personal life I fear the rejection of my partner.  Partially because I've heard him express some ideas about who he thinks I am that I know aren't always true.  In my business life I fear the rejection of potential customers, that they will see wow she's kooky and they won't even come into my shop.

• Is that fear enough to hold you back from being your authentic self?

Honestly, I really don't think so.  I'm so sick and tired of having to cater to other people's ideas that I've had it and can't stand to keep it up.

Playwork:  Reveal Your Authentic Self to Someone You Trust

• Check in with your own feelings?  How did it go?

I just got the responses back from the two people I came out too and they were both positive.  The first more directly gave input on each section and commented how she thought points were normal and "within reason", whereas some were outright odd.  Most of all though she appreciated my coming to her and trusting her and my individuality.  The second was brief and merely commented on how she felt I did a good job and she was glad I didn't pick everything apart (which I'm famous for - over analyzing).  I feel they both were right, but I also picked slightly biased people.  I have known one since 2003 and we often have private conversations.  The other I have known while working in a club, and we became close friends due to our commonalities.  Since then we have become even closer even though we've only known one another since 2009.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!