Module 1 - Chapter 3...

Ecstatically I'm about to start Chapter 3, although I was hoping I could download the video it's set up as a web page so my computer is saying no :(.  So while I'm toddling around doing things (all I've done so far is finish up the post for Chapter 2 and make the bed) I'm going to have it playing...

I think one of the great benefits of my personality, life, choices, or whatever is that I naturally let my "freak flag fly".  Why I do this I don't really know - it just seemed natural for me to do.  I know I started it a lot more when I went to college because I had more freedom - I wasn't at home and I didn't have to answer to anyone, if I wanted to sleep in, go to class in my pjs, take a walk somewhere new, whatever I wanted to do I could go out and do it.  I could dress how I wanted, listen to and watch whatever I wanted and whatever anyone thought or said it didn't matter because I was finally free to be me!

• What does "letting your freak flag fly" mean to me?

I have to say that I agree with Lissa.  I think it means being your whole authentic self, unapologetically.  If you love plaid, wear it, who cares if it's tacky or doesn't match what else you're wearing!  It also means that you are not put into a box, you (like emotions) do not fit neatly into a little drawer with a concise label.  You may easily, like myself, take on many different roles that may exemplify certain personality traits while they dim down others, but that doesn't mean that all these pieces aren't you!  They most certainly are.  But also it means being integrated.  There shouldn't be this huge distinction between your roles or placements.  If you're goofy, you can be goofy all the time.  It doesn't mean to be rude or insensitive (like when it calls to be more somber) but you don't have to be serious all the time!

During the meditation I asked myself, "Where did I go - that person she was."  She said, "You grew up."  To me this means I let go of who I want to fall into a box and conform to "adulthood".
I asked, "How do I get back to who you are?"  She said, "You don't, you can't go back in time, too much has changed.  But you don't have to sacrifice who and what you are to be anything.  You are confident, capable, and as I can see on fire with energy to manifest and create whatever you want no matter what other people think or say!"

While at first that second answer started out disheartening, knowing that I could reclaim that "free & wild" part of myself and embrace it while still following my dreams was important to hear and find out.

As I listen to Lissa relate the story of her volunteer work I think to myself that I can't quite recall a time where I had to quell my inner voice.  However I'm sure in my younger years, after I initially had my dreams thwarted I'm sure I was always quieting that voice that told me to do this or that and didn't even realize it.

Tips for Letting Your Freak Flag Fly:

I haven't gone through these just yet but I have a feeling that I'm already on my way to doing some of these things so that's nice to know.

1. Ask yourself - honestly - how do you want to dress/act/behave/be?  I really feel that I do this for the most part already.  I have a tendency to run towards the "gothic" look, but it isn't the only way I dress.  Sometimes I look like Betty Crocker or Susie Homemaker, all "normal".  However, when I feel the need to dress a certain way to a point it's to fit in, but while I may blend, you can't hide my "funky" aura, or the prolific, colorful, and even large tattoos I have (and I don't really want to - except for when I'm trying to look bland and apply for some job).  While I range from many different personas it seems depending on where I am and how comfortable I am there I am generally also myself in this department too.  When I'm in a new place or around unfamiliar people and surroundings I tend to keep to myself and "feel" the place out.  Part of this is a safety factor - I don't want to be misjudged - and while I can see that this is my holding my authentic self back I don't do it to the point where I feel I'm stifling myself.  Once I've been around someone or some place once a second go around has me a lot more open.  I still "hold back" things that I don't think would be accepted, but again it's a protective measure.  Eg.  I wouldn't talk about my religion in a Christian hospital.
2. Release your concerns about what "everybody" thinks.  I see that I have made reference to this "everybody" before in the first step.  My "everybody" = strangers who don't know anything about me (who shouldn't matter because they don't know anything about me so who are they to judge), my mother (who is now dead and gone and made her judgments based on what easily was lack of or false information), my ex-boyfriend (who constantly would berate everything I did in subtle ways).  I'm sure there were some well meaning people in there that echoed those three major voices, but likely were working on lack of or false information, or their own bad experiences.
3. Look in the closet and assess whether your wardrobe really lets your freak flag fly.  Honestly for the most part it does.  Right now it's cut down a bit due to my ever expanding belly and just not being able to fit my clothing.  Most of which is funny shirts and a good number of them tight, tiny, and black.  Anything I don't have revolves around a lack of funds and a general distaste towards buying clothing!  As soon as I have the funds I will definitely go shopping for more neat clothes though!
4. Unleash your heart.  I try to follow my heart whenever I can.  The most reticence I have I express by saying, that I feel I need to do whatever and I just take whatever reaction I get.
5. Follow your bliss.  I honestly think this step is going to take a bit of work because I'm so used to doing for others.  But I have gotten better in recent years, making attempts to "do me" sometimes rather than always do for others.
6. Surround yourself with others who fly their freak flags.  This step also might be difficult, but easier than the previous one because I at least will have the community.
7. Make a list of things you feel tempted to do, but don't.  I'm definitely going to have to come back to this one, mull it over throughout this chapter...
8. Spend time in silence, so you can hear the inner voice that tells you how your freak flag wants to fly.  Again, I think this will take some time since I'm what I would not say "half out of the box".
9. Attend gatherings where others are letting their freak flags fly.  Must find places that match this description...(will ask Lissa for help!)

Reflecting on what I've had to say about these steps it seems that I was jumping ahead of myself a bit to think that I wasn't as timid as I thought I was.  But this reflection was definitely useful in showing me the "cracks" as it were that I wasn't seeing because I preferred to see a polished, pretty surface!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What would you do if you let your freak flag fly?

Honestly I don't know off hand.  Since I'm half way there already I figure I'd be that much more there once I "jumped all the way in" versus dipping my feet in the water.  I think I might definitely shock and confuse people, only much more openly I suppose.

• What rules do you follow that you would break if you had your druthers?

I find myself to be really polite, even when I don't want to be for the sake of not having to deal with negative reactions.  While I don't think this is necessarily bad sometimes it is a bit much because it causes "civil unrest" within my soul because I don't always want to be nice to people who annoy the piss out of me!  (There I said it!)  I tend towards trying to keep the peace and keep things under control and do the right thing, even when I see people all around me doing whatever the hell they want and I kind of think to myself, "Why can't I do that?!"  But I know it's all about choice and there's no one stopping me but me...I'm sure I could think of other things but nothing else comes to mind just yet....

• What things do you do because you think you "should", rather than because you really want to?

For the longest time I thought I had to go to school and had to work a full time job in a "respectable" place.  I have since dropped out of college and quit a number of places that made me unhappy to work.  I am still struggling with the work part because of financial reasons.  I need/want a new car, car insurance, my cell phone on, my business phone on, and health insurance, as well as to tackle my mountain of debt.

• What would you do if you didn't give a hoot what anyone thought?

I'm not really sure.  Again this is something that I am so unused to thinking about that I don't have a lot of answers.  I know I'm on the precipice about ready to just jump into the chasm of faith and good will with my two businesses and I know for sure I'd do that.

• What boxes do people try to put you in?

I think people expect and want me to be "Miss Mary Sunshine" sometimes, or submissive to their will.  They seem to think that just because I accept people for who they are and don't ask or demand people change to suit me that I'm okay with changing to suit them.  Or they presume that because when they first met me I kept to myself that is how I would always be.  Or maybe they met me when I was in a particular mood and they expected that I was like that 100% of the time.  (I'm a really moody creature and everything depends on my mood - if I'm not in the mood for it it ain't gonna happen!)

• What could you do to get yourself out of the box or strip off your masks so you have room to spread your wings and let your true self be seen?

I think the best and only true answer for me is for me to be myself.  When people try to "typecast" me they can try all they want, till they're blue in the face, but if the truth is there in front of them proving to them that I will not be what they wish me to be - only what I choose to be then eventually it'll get through to them.  Or they'll just remain in denial, or they will choose not to deal with/be around me and that's okay with me.

Playwork:  Give Yourself a Gift

• What did you give yourself?  What does it mean?

A balance (as in an "old school" scale).  First off I have received this as a spirit gift before, though I can't recall the exact circumstances.  Secondly on to what it means...obviously balance, pure and simple.  To me this means that I have to have my life in order, I have to be on track and doing what I need to be doing with my life according to me rather than everyone else.  I believe that if I embrace the life I'm supposed to live that "everything will work out as it should".  I think working against the natural and what is to be is part of what causes disruption in our lives.

I just finished reading two articles that were suggested reading from the Owning Pink blog about masks and being your authentic self and I just realized one such fearful instance I went through.  While I was with my ex he would repeatedly tell me how much of a waste of time my business was because "it wasn't making money".  I had literally just started it officially a year into my relationship with him, I wasn't advertising like I should and not a lot of people knew about me or what I was selling - so how could I just start from scratch and immediately hit the jackpot?!  People would at least have needed to know about me.  While I totally know and realize this now I took his criticisms and didn't question them as "just his negative thoughts" and even made excuses for how poorly I was treated because I didn't measure up to whatever ruler he put next to me.

A thought I just had while reflecting on perfectionism and being authentic, which has come up on the comment section of the group today, when you live authentically you don't have to wear masks to suit anyone.  Because you're putting it "all out there" you don't have dirty little secrets that you are ashamed of, you are 100% you and that serves as armor against the critics of the world - because being real can't be torn down!

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It seems that I lost some of my edits about finishing up this chapter :(

I read through the last three articles for this chapter and I find that I have trouble being consistent in my authenticity as well.  While I feel myself to be mostly "an emotional creature" there are some parts of myself that I chose not to show in certain situations for fear of ridicule, and to avoid any "trouble" that I may have to deal with.  Unfortunately this is something I think that will definitely take some work on my part because that fear is going to take some grappling with because I've held it for so long.

Because I'm an artist though and I identify that station as related to "being yourself" I feel I do a pretty good job letting my freak flag fly.  The only issue might be that again sometimes I coerce myself into a box for the sake of sparing my feelings.  But that's a defense mechanism.  When I'm myself I'm generally myself.

The other hard part for me to deal with will be silencing that inner critic.  It sounds like a myriad of people throughout my life and expertly echoes all of my concerns and worries that I fear from other people.  I think that being proud of who and what I am, and accepting that I am what I am fully will be best for me.




Embracing my dreams one day at a time!