While I *think* I know what I want, as I learned from my work in Module 1 there is still more to learn and I could easily not be in as touch with all of my desires deeply as I think I am...
I feel already the doors starting to unlock as I approach them. I know that I have never given myself permission (up to now) to even think about the life that I want to lead. I have always been about what is best for everyone else around me. I can feel the struggle of mommy-hood calling too. You're supposed to do for your children...But really, what better way to do for your child than to be yourself, and encourage them to do the same, and of course set a good example.........!
I totally feel the mention about lack of confidence. But what the reality is is that I have never really tried to dream big, so how do I know I can't do it? I don't. It's just that fearful voice cropping up. The issue with having people around you who cut you down, lack faith, etc has been with me all my life. It started with my mother, whose voice I can still hear telling me that my idea/thought/dream to become an herbalist and work in alternative health was silly and there was no way I could make money doing it. I also definitely know about the fear of failure. All of these things while they seem to be logical really aren't. They're based on fear and worries. And while maybe originally, back in the day these fears may have had a reason and a purpose that was good. Now they just hold you back and stop you from living the life you deserve, the life you want. I have also definitely tried to share with others my dreams and had them criticize or shoot them down. And I can tell you yea it does hurt.
Working on finding a dreaming big partner - asked a close friend first, but if she doesn't want to then I'm going to go to the Dreaming Big Posse, and then Lissa.
Playwork: Start a Dreaming Big Journal
I'm going to start this journal, but keep it here so everything is in one place.
Playwork: Boost Your Confidence by Affirming Yourself
- I am not making any money with my businesses. I am making tons of money with my businesses.
- I sit at home all day wasting my time busting my ass trying to make my businesses work. I work from home joyfully and effortlessly.
- I can't keep a "regular" job. I work for myself in and outside of the home.
- I have really bad anxiety. I am cool, calm, and collected all the time.
- I have trouble with depression. I am joyful and a beacon of light for myself and others.
- I can't focus my mind on what I want concretely. I focus easily.
- I have no motivation. I am motivated.
- I am not academic enough to go back to school. I am brilliant and do great with classes, studying, and in school and all other sorts of academics and training!
- I have too much debt to ever keep up or get rid of it. I am debt free!
- I have terrible credit because of too much debt and bad choices. I have great credit and pay all of my bills on time and make sound economic choices.
- I attract people to me that suck me dry and "eat my soul". I attract people for my business who benefit from my help and are able to pay me, in my personal life those who uplift and support me.
- I can't communicate my feelings without hurting others. I am easily able to communicate my feelings effectively and clearly.
- I attract men who won't communicate with me. My significant other and I communicate clearly and easily.
- I'll never find the "right man". I have found the right man!
- I'm doomed to be alone. I am surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family!
- I want to do too much and will never get it all done. I am able to bring all of my dreams (big & small) to fruition easily and effortlessly!
Playwork: Write Yourself a Love Letter
Definitely need to do this, but I believe I'll do it in a separate post.
Playwork: Invite Your Friends to Gush About You
Done - and I'll post the results here!
Me: What's awesome about me? (No really, I'm asking and I want to know what everyone thinks!)
- Nicole Lendman: you are a very smart woman who is very caring nd about to be a mommy ;-)
- Krystal Hobeck: you have opinions about everything. I love your honesty.
- Donna Hollibaugh: You are an extremely talented young lady!
- Christina LeMaster: You're considerate and somehow Chaotic at the same time. Which is strange because you seem to keep a very strict schedule...I stick to all these conflicting comments. Heart you!
Playwork: Enlist a Friend to Boost Your Confidence
- What are my natural gifts? You have a natural gift for sheer honesty. Never stop that.
- What's my best physical attribute? I think you have a really kind face. But I think your tattoos are pretty amazing too.
- When you describe me to other people who don't know me, what do you say about me? I have been known to describe you as another artistic friend that gets me. Someone who at times can be as crazy as me. And sometimes a friend that I have to stop what I am doing to truely listen to her rants and concerns.
- What trait, skill, or gift do I have that you respect and admire? Your gift for all things spiritual, which is what drew me to you in the first place. I admire your level of spiritual activity and hope one day to be of that level.
- How am I a good friend to you? You are a good friend to me because we play off each other in different areas of our lives. As I mentioned earlier you are really honest about most topics which is good. I need someone in my life that can tell it like it is. You make me laugh at the funny things you do, and now that you are a mom we have one more thing in common.
- How has knowing me changed your life for the better? I like to think that knowing you has changed my life in a way that proves I am not alone and not the only person that thinks like me.
- What's your big dream for me? Pull out all the stops and, knowing what you know about me, paint me a picture of the life you'd grant me if you were my fairy godmother. If I could give you the life I think you would like I would give you land for your plants, space for your arts and crafts, space for your healing, a man in your life that has a better understanding of you. And a son that grows up to love and respect you for you.
There are 2 articles after this exercise and the first one encourages you to try an exercise that involves picking a picture representing unconditional love and coloring it. I'll need to wait on this because I'm out of ink and paper, but I'd like to definitely try it. I downloaded the PDF and will share the colored picture after I've finished it.
Playwork: Invite your Inner Child to Dream Big
This is definitely going to be something I have to work on, I'm not sure what my inner child would say and honestly a lot of the dreams that I had I don't wish to fulfill anymore. I'll start a post on this and mull it over adding to it as I can.
Playwork: Release the Criticisms of Others
Definitely a great exercise to try!!!
Playwork: Imagine Your Dream Life and Write Your Obituary
Alana Wells. Born July 4, 1985 to Stephanie & Daniel Hilliard in Jacksonville, North Carolina. She is survived by her husband Ryan Williams and son Adarian Malachai Williams. She was known among friends and family a the helper and a genuinely helpful person. She strove to express herself artistically and as a healer and tried to begin two businesses simultaneously which had mediocre success.
Alana Charity Williams. Born July 4, 1985 to artist Stephanie Hilliard (nee Jones) & Daniel Hilliard Staff Sergeant in the Marine Corps. She was the eldest of three children, siblings Sarah Michelle Lawhon and Billy Ray Lawhon III. She was happily married for many years to Ryan Casey Williams and had several children, including Adarian Malachai Williams. She accomplished her dreams of becoming a successful and talented artist & alternative holistic healer at a young age, before the age of 31. She was a beacon of light within her community working as a counselor and minister and did a great amount of charity for women, children, and those less fortunate. She was an inspiration to all and brought joy and light wherever she went. The world needs more like her and she will be fondly remembered and greatly missed.
Secret Sauce Writing Exercise
- What compliments do people give you?
I am caring and understanding, I am a good listener, I am wise, I give good advice.
- What do people regularly tell you you're good at?
Giving advice, listening.
- What physical attributes do they comment on?
My eyes.
- If you did the Facebook Playwork, what did people say?
See playwork for responses!
- What do others admire about you?
My experiential wisdom, my creativity.
- List the voices that cut you down.
Mom, Donovan...
- When you check in with your Inner Pilot Light, do you genuinely believe these criticisms? If so, why?
Sometimes it's tempting to believe them because I can't "prove" them wrong. But they can't prove themselves right either...
Focusing on my desires is something I rarely do. I rarely give myself permission to dream or even give thought to what it is I want since I have a bit of a "martyr complex". In recent years (actually since embracing my own personal religious path) I have gotten better at it but still I have a tendency short change myself here and there.
Another exercise....listing my desires:
- To work full time as an artist & a healer with lots of orders and clients.
- For my businesses to pay for themselves and bring in real profit.
- A brand new car.
- Certifications/training/licenses in: Bellydancing, Massage Therapy, Yoga, Nursing, Counseling.
- A nice home with a front and back yard and a garage.
- To be happily married to the love of my life.
There are some tips listed to help you dream big...
- Articulate your dream...this is definitely something I need to do. While for the most part I know what I want to do, there are still some fuzzy spots or holes that I'm a little unclear on. I think that making a chart of all my things I want to do and how they integrate with my business and really thinking about each thing and being sure that all of these things really support what I want to do.
- What would you do if you took fear out of the equation...go forth fully and confidently, no holds barred and in a joyful way.
- Listen to your intuition...Surprisingly so, this is something that I have been doing. I keep getting these "feelings" about things I need to do and I've been just listening to them. Although some things that involve money I feel the need to be a little more careful with since my funds are limited at the moment and until I can get the funds in that I want I want to make sure I have everything I need to cover what I wish.
- Believe your dream will come true...this perhaps might be the hardest thing for me to do just because I let the voices of fear, doubt, and worry plague me and undo all my positive thinking.
- Send naysayers to time out when you go for your dream...
- Gag your inner critic...This will take some practice.
- Make room in your life for your dream to come true...I'm really not sure how to do this. I guess maybe by not taking more on than I can handle or being willing to change my schedule to allow time for changes.
- Don't be afraid to fly with the eagles...must practice!
- Work hard and stay focused...I definitely think I'm doing that, by implementing my schedule I'm making time to get things done that I had formerly kept putting off and getting my "to do list" down to a dull roar instead of it being this mass of unfinished things that threatens to overwhelm me.
- Be gutsy and take risks...This is another thing I feel I have to practice. While I'm taking risks I sort of have the safety net of government aid and my partner taking care of the financial necessities (rent, gas, and little extras).
- Go with the flow...I think that I am doing this, and that's where I can run into resistance from others. I've always lived by the "what I ought to" and "what others think" and I'm seriously doing all I can to not fall into that again. This causes a lot of criticism by others who I don't think understand me and what I'm trying to do.
- Redefine what success is...Definitely necessary. I have some definite outdated thoughts on what I think success is and they're not in concert with the work I'm doing now so I think they lead to part of my mediocrity.
- Nurture yourself...A definite need. A lot of what I'm doing now is just "work". While it's all work I enjoy I tend to choose to work rather than take a break so I need to be more forgiving with my schedule and take breaks/naps/downtime when I want/feel the need to. Especially since I'm pregnant!
- Put yourself out there...This is a major leap of faith and something that's going to take time and effort to get into.
- Don't dim your light...more practice needed here too!
I definitely recognize that life is short and that while it's never too late to start living it would really suck if I wasted all my time wishing and wanting instead of doing and creating. So at the ripe age of 25 I'm doing what I can to not start too late with my dreams. I'm trying to accept that whatever time is gone is gone and that's okay and I'm getting to start earlier than I could and that leads me to having that many more years to enjoy my dream!
Reading the first of the final bits for this chapter and the question is asked: "What do you want to feel?" Immediately what comes to mind: blissfully happy in all of my choices & decisions in my life path. I think that is the best way to sum it all up. If I am that then I have put thought into my actions and I feel confident in the decisions I made. Feeling that way I won't be constantly questioning myself or second guessing everything I do. I will be at peace with myself.
Some additional powerful words I want to feel: inspired, peaceful, spiritual, loved, connected, generous, compassionate, rejuvenated, empowered, safe, creative, innovative, fulfilled, balanced, & calm.
I am reading the second article and I am feeling compelled to definitely include some of the questions it wants one to answer in here because as I read them I have some definitive answers to them:
Questions to Clarify What You DON'T Want
- What makes you feel completely drained?
Working as a CNA, working my ass off for little pay, being unappreciated, being mistreated at work and in personal relationships. The "daily grind" (working just to work, to survive and "get by") in some field I don't relish but "pays the bills".
- What experiences make you want to numb out, by eating sugar, boozing it up, or zoning in front of the boob tube?
Negative emotions and people, working in negative environments that don't fulfill me. Dealing with draining thoughts and people all the time.
- What activities elicits physical symptoms in you, such as bouts of nausea or headaches?
The idea of having to work in a field I hate, being stuck and unfulfilled in some job. Dealing with negative people (especially those from my past - like Jimmy & Donovan).
- What fills with you with looming dread?
The idea that I will never realize my dreams, the idea of having to give it all up and "go back" to just working to get by and what that means. Dealing with the military.
- What creates a panicky feeling in your body?
The idea that I will fail at my dreams after all my hard work due to something simple that I couldn't control or that was out of my hands.
- What people make you shrink?
Those who shoot down my dreams, misjudge and criticize me (especially when they don't know anything about me).
- What do you find yourself forgetting or screwing up repetitively?
Getting up on time.
Pay attention to these things!
This is your authentic self bellowing at you, trying to get you to listen.
Questions To Clarify What You DO Want
- What makes you lose track of time?
Working on my art, doing healing work/research.
- What do other people tell you you ROCK at?
Listening, helping, counseling, caring for others, creating, being inspired, organizing.
- What makes you feel uber healthy?
A good night's rest, a nice cup of hot tea, meditating in the morning, doing my yoga.
- What circumstances or experiences rev up your creative juices?
Connecting with the Divine, getting out in nature.
- What people make you feel like a superhero?
Those that I help who I can see are truly grateful for what I do.
- What circumstances or activities make you feel relaxed?
Reading quietly, drawing.
I have a brief worry come to me just now that all this work I'm trying to do is useless and won't amount to anything. I know this is my inner critic, the nasty Gremlin, piping up talking all kinds of crap. I visualize myself turning to the little nasty creature and putting an index finger to my lips and saying "SHHHH" loudly. I hear it grumble and wave a hand over my shoulder dismissing it's grumblies and strive ever forward...
10 Tips for Reinventing Yourself...
- Don't put yourself in a box or let anyone else...This is definitely something important. I know a lot of people who have told me that I want too much or that I want to do too much. But I feel that everything I want to do has purpose and meaning and relates. So pffft to everyone else who thinks I want to much...it's just enough!
- Remember that life isn't a one way street...It's okay to want to turn around, drive this way or that or both ways.
- Hold onto your childhood dreams...the only issue I have with this one is that a lot of my childhood dreams I don't want to do anymore. I can still honor that I had grandiose dreams and celebrate that ability by dreaming big now though.
- Send your inner critic to time out...I'm working on this. I think firmly stating to it that it holds no power over me and I don't have to listen to it will help.
- Avoid worrying about what "everybody" thinks...As it says "everybody" usually isn't that many people and they're generally negative people who are holding you back. For the most part I think that I just need to cut these people out of my life (some I already have - yay) and make peace with those people who while positive to have around may have negative thoughts.
- Trust your inner guidance...I think I've been doing that and that it's getting louder as I go along. As I said earlier my intuition seems to be growing because I get these "strong urges" to do certain things I feel are right to do, that I must do. I also think that the more I tune into guidance the easier it will be to hear it.
- Resist the temptation to let fear rule your decisions...This is definitely something that I'm going to have to practice. I mentioned earlier grappling with those feelings and I know that even those things that didn't originally come from me see to have become ingrained in my because I heard it so much and accepted other people's thoughts and ideas as my own.
- Don't rely on labels to define you...I know I have a natural tendency to identify with certain words. I think what I need to do is personally recognize that while I may be an artist or a healer, I'm subject to other people's definitions when I describe myself with just these words, so it's best to use my actions to express who/what I am rather than rely on someone understanding how I might define something. It's okay to be more...
- Surround yourself with other people who fearlessly reinvent themselves...Being in this course is helping with that, but I really would like to have people close by that I can meet up with and have coffee or tea with that think this way...
- Be you all the time...Definitely working on this, slowly but surely.
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