Module 1 - Chapter 4...

I'm writing this from WordPad while I wait for Blogger/Blogspot to return.  I will not be thwarted in my personal attempts to document progress dammit!
Just starting Chapter 4 (and only half way through the first Module - holy crap it's long!) But I'm really pumped about it, just from reading through comments and hearing what others have to say about the whole course and future modules I can't wait to really "get to the good stuff" (although this module is CRITICAL I think.  I mean I am partially in denial about some of it, telling myself "O I don't need to work on this," then I realize uhm yea I do!  So it's a wonderful learning experience!
The question was just asked, "What part of yourself needs to be most nurtured?"  For me that's a big and lofty question as I know I don't care for myself as I should.  And while some of that statement can be attributed to what others have said to me, I know it to be true.  Physically speaking I work long into the night a lot, push myself past exhaustion, forget to eat or eat in a way that doesn't best nourish my body.  Mentally I berate myself for normal and understandable shortcomings.  Emotionally I torture myself with bad memories and negative experiences.  I tend to be a workaholic and don't really take "me" time.  So I think the part of me that needs to be nurtured most likely is "me".  As in my personal wants and things like that.  While I need to nurture all of myself and everything in my life, I think balancing it all is the most important part for me and that brings to mind the Tarot card of Temperance...
About owning creativity...I think as an artist who tries to follow their inspiration I'm pretty good at tapping into my creativity.  While I do focus a lot on making and selling things a lot of my projects are just "neat ideas" that I want to try.  If it works of course I'm willing to sell it but sometimes I give stuff away or keep it.  I definitely need to do some work with getting my inner critic to be quiet or at least go away.  I'm still in the habit of constantly self-criticizing or downing myself and doing a lot of negative self-talk without meaning to.About owning spirituality...I'm pretty good at owning my spirituality, but my desire for control inhibits me trusting in the Great Divine sometimes.  (Okay a lot of times!)
About owning relationships...I try to be me, but then I try not to overwhelm people with my personality.  As I say, "I know how I can be" and I fear showing too much and daunting or scaring away a person just because they are taken off guard.  This comes back to bite me when it comes to intimate relationships because there come to be expectations that I am meek all the time or always polite or this or that and really I'm far from that...I definitely also need to learn to give and receive equally, and within that make known what I need so I can get that or move on.
About owning health...This might be the hardest one for me because as much of a healer as I am I seem to fall into the "martyr" category as a caregiver.  I am always concerned with the health and wellbeing of others but rarely myself.  Obviously the best way to help is to first set a good example.  A doctor who smokes like a chimney but tells you that you need to cut back/quit isn't someone I would likely listen to...so I need to be more mindful of that.  I know I have a hard time exercising because I just don't want to.  I'm not against it, but the idea of running or a gym is just blah for me.  I know I love to dance but then I'm also self conscious about how I look when I'm doing it.  But then it's about enjoying it not how you look so I need to work on releasing that frame of mind...
About owning your body...I think that being pregnant is definitely going to teach me something in this department.  While I'm used to being "slender" with an ample rack and small but proportionate butt, but now I have an even more superfluous chest area, larger butt, stretch marks (these will be the hardest to deal with if they stay :/), and who knows what else after he drops and I give birth.  I really don't think about my body though but I am rather body conscious (despite being a former exotic dancer) which seems rather ironic.  I almost could say that I don't really even think about my body, I just use it and only pay attention to it if applying make up, showering, or if something is wrong.  So this physical change that is coming is going to be interesting.  However, I recently read an article about a mom who had just given birth to her second child and wanted to get the jump on losing the weight and she expressed her own concerns about her body, the stretchmarks, and the "stretching out" of her body.  She chose to enter a bellydance class but held a hard time with it just because it seemed, with all the change that happened to her, that she wasn't able to do the exercises.  I definitely want to do the same and her thoughts are food for thought for me.
About owning sexuality...I can definitely say that I'm disconnected from intimacy and my sexuality.  I know I harbor this strange "secret fear" of orgasms.  I don't want to lose control or that's as close to it as I can come as far as explanation.  I think the other weird thing about my relationship with my sexuality is that I used to work within the "sex industry" (as an exotic dancer) but have this disjointed relationship with sex itself.  I mostly view it for procreative reasons only.  I don't necessarily get any direct pleasure out of it so not having it generally doesn't bother me at all.  Every now and then I get this "itch" but that's more when I'm not in a relationship (likely because finding another person takes a little more work than if I had a set partner.)  I wonder if there is something with my Sacral Chakra (and really I imagine there is) which is the source or at least a major contributing factor.  I think working with that area could help "re-balance" the relationship I have with my sexuality but I have kept putting it off.  Then there is the revelation I had a while ago about my horrible menstruation pain and where it was coming from.  For the longest time I had no medical answer, and no way to deal with it (unless I had a narcotic handy and that only would take the edge off or make me just "not care" because I was feeling spacey).  But I realized one day that I am a misogynist.  I knew it before and would even say it jokingly, but I never really thought about what that meant for me and my sexuality and the pains I would have.  I have a large natural distrust of women and few women friends.  I see the "behind the scenes" to the feminine in all its negative forms and while I don't doubt there are shadows within the masculine I'm not as privy to them as an outsider of that gender so they don't bother me as much if at all really.  I also have a spiritual guide who was deeply wronged by her "sisters" (a sort of sorority rather than biological relatives) and we relate and I think that's part of why she is with me...to help me not live through the same horrors she did.  But in realizing my issues with women and at the very least acknowledging them the pain has greatly lessened.  With learning Reiki, practicing a more holistic life style, etc I have had a LOT less troubles with the pain issue.  While it's not 100% gone it's nowhere near where it was before (so debilitating it could send me to the hospital, cause me to almost self harm - by hitting my head against the wall just to knock myself out out of desperation to get away from the pain!, take me out of school and work, and even bring on panic attacks...)  I also note that many of my "injuries" stem from the left side of the body, which is related to the feminine as well and I find this fact "interesting" to say the least.  To be quite frank I think perhaps developing trust with my sexuality, rather than viewing it as this foreign alien idea (maybe even regularly masturbating or exposing myself to sexual situations or stimuli might help me "warm up" to the idea...not sure).  But definitely doing things that make me feel sexy, which is going to take some thought because I don't really know what those things are...perhaps doing things I think are sexy myself, like bellydance...studying Tantra?, exploring sexual fantasies and playing "sex games" with my partner...I think that I should also not give up my dream to be a Suicide Girl.  I fit the bill and it would also help me with some of my exercise/body image goals, as well as allow me to express that part of myself without damaging my joints anymore!  (Although I totally miss doing pole tricks!)
About owning your money...(Definitely thinking I'm in for a mouthful here....as I know I struggle with owning my worth monetarily!)  The first point alone, the issue of realizing that money is just energy and the worth of giving as well as receiving is groundbreaking.  While I will accept various forms of exchange, depending on what for what and from whom, I understand the need for money all too well.  But I never really seriously thought of money as anything but money, frankly a necessary evil.  But I also respect that while sometimes I can't pay money because I'm not manifesting it regularly yet, others may have the same issue so I try to be understanding.  On the other hand, depending on the "work" I'm doing and who it's for and how much it will ultimately cost me to do it depends on how strongly or liberally I can deal with or without the money part.  Like shipping a package is fine, I'll "take the hit" financially.  But to have to buy all the supplies, then make whatever, and ship it all out of pocket with no compensation can be a bit much for me.  I definitely need to change my thoughts about how money comes to me.  Right now I view that I can only get it surely by working my ass off in an industry I really don't like in general.  I need to redirect it as coming to me through the means I do enjoy (like my businesses).  Trusting the Universe...there's a biggie...which means letting go of negative outcomes & thoughts...and taking steps...which are inhibited by holding onto those negative outcomes & thoughts.  I know I need to do this, but I'm not very good at mentally reprogramming myself.  Even taking this course, with as exciting as it is, with as absolutely stellar as the experience has been for me...I still am clinging to the "need" to have a "regular job"... :-/  I think it's slightly different now though because I want to pursue something related to that field, but I do have concerns that old "demons" will pop up if I get lazy and don't follow through with the education needs I want to meet...A lot of times when I decide to price things I think about A) What I want to make bottom line & B) What I would be willing to pay.  Sometimes I find these things are at odds (like recently I had someone ask for a sweater price and it came out to about 100.00 using the "cheaper" yarn option and I damn well know I wouldn't pay that much for a sweater...but I also know that there is no way I would find the kind of sweater I would make out of this yarn in any store...)
About owning the planet...I know I definitely want to go as green with my business as I can and I encourage others to do the same.  But I also know that some things (like having a car in my area) are somewhat unavoidable.  I can easily do some things but I haven't been really applying that part of my idea in any way so that's something to add to the mental "to do".  Going more green, if not completely, is also definitely something I am considering with my child on the way.  I have some health concerns though - like 100% no exposure to chemicals, as I know that he will run into them outside the home so that might end up being an instance of going "green-er" rather than 100% green.  But then I could just take my own soap, lotion, and handmade wipes with me rather than buying organic or natural stuff even.  I could also try to make a 100% green line in my store to promote it with others...I also know that I definitely want to start recycling and composting to deplete the amount that goes in my trashcan, and of course raise my son to be "eco conscious".
About owning your purpose...To a point I'm already doing this - by starting and holding on to my businesses I'm embracing my purpose!  Yay me!  In my business life, at least 90% of the time I am authentically me, which is just another reason why I love it so much and it brings me such joy.  I can be artist and healer and mommy and alternative person all at the same time without anything being compromised.  I do need to release attachments to outcomes though, I think it's inhibiting my ability to manifest to a point...
About owning me...This seemed pretty self explanatory....
Secret Sauce Writing Exercises
Owning Relationships:

• Do you feel like your friends know your authentic self?  Do you feel loved and accepted by them?  Can you let your freak flag fly around them?

The friends that I consider myself very close to and "best friends" get the whole me.  There are some things I don't talk about with certain people (like religion) but I don't hide it.  I feel that my "real friends" accept me and I can "let my freak flag fly" around them.

• What about your family?  Are you able to be yourself around them?

I'm not close to my family at all in general.  I consider myself as having only my dad, who I am slightly estranged from, my half-sister and half-brother.  I am myself with my sister, but rarely talk to my brother.  I think I can be myself around him and my dad, even though I think I might shock dad.

• Do you have a significant other?  If so, do you feel like you can really be YOU when you're with this person?

Yes.  I think my SO needs to get to know me better.  He seems to be a bit confused about me, but then as my friend Krystal says, I'm the oddest person she knows.  I think he's confused because he wants to put me in a box and I don't fit and while I don't think he means to be mean by it, he just doesn't understand me sometimes.

• If you don't have a significant other, do you wish you did?  Are you putting your true self out there?

Owning Spirituality:

• Are you a part of a spiritual community?  If so, do you feel like you can be yourself in this community?

Yes.  When I'm with others of like mind I'm definitely myself.  I feel safe and don't feel the need to hide anything about me, it's great!

• If you aren't part of a spiritual community, does your authentic self wish you were?  Or do you feel like you commune better with nature or by yourself?  Or do you not believe in anything spiritual?

Owning Your Body:

• Are you happy with how your body looks and feels?

As with seems to be the case with many women I'd like to change some things about my body.  The most notable thing is my stomach to be flatter.  For me it's a personal want, I would feel better about it.  Outside of that I don't really think about my body.

• Do you criticize your body often?

Not really.

• Have you ever had an eating disorder?

No, but I do have poor eating habits when I'm working (I forget to eat because I get so wrapped up in what I'm doing.)

Owning Your Health:

• Do you feel not just well, but vital?  If not, why not?

I don't think so, but I really don't do a lot that I feel energizes me.

• Do you have good energy levels?

I can work tirelessly on certain things, but with being pregnant I am finding myself being really tired a lot (which I know is normal).  I do feel that I could/should do more to energize myself, like getting out of the house, some exercise, and other uplifting things.

• Do you sleep well?

No.  I am troubled with insomnia frequently due to an overactive mind.  I think too much and it makes it harder to relax and go to sleep.

• Do you eat well?

As I said earlier, I tend to forget to eat.  Otherwise I eat fairly healthily.  I do eat "junk" sometimes, but I don't think I eat as poorly as I could.  I love to eat fresh fruit and veggies, don't eat an overabundance of meat though (so my protein and certain other nutrients are low.)  I love salt and sugar, but I tend to prefer things like pickles and vinegar or fruit and juice to satisfy those cravings (versus junk that's bad for me.)

• Do you exercise?

I don't anymore, but as a former dancer I used to get quit a bit at work.  I want to get back into dance as a form of exercise, particularly bellydance because it also helps one be in tune with one's body and feel sexy.

• Are you good at managing your stress?

No!  I usually block it out, or work myself to death to put it out of sight/out of mind or things like that.  I actually have a stress reduction & relaxation workbook that I want to finally crack open that I have been putting off, as well as a few books about "living simply".  I'm hoping that embracing my authentic self totally will help me manage these things though.

• If you answered "No" to any of these questions about your physical health, what steps might you take to change your answer to "Yes"?

See questions for answers.

• If you don't feel vital, what does the intuition of your authentic self tell you about what your body needs to reclaim its vitality?

Owning Sexuality:

• Are you happy with your sex life?  If you are, what do you love about it?  If not, what's missing?

What sex life...(although that's totally my fault, partner is more than willing).  I need to have more of it, but that requires me to get in touch with that part of myself on a level of comfort first.

• What does your authentic self really desire in bed?  (Send your inner critic to time out and be honest without yourself.)  Are you getting your needs met?

I'm not really sure, but definitely enjoyable sex for both parties.  I think the first step will be finding out what I want, and then more importantly communicating it.

• What do you fantasize about sexually?

Not in touch (pardon the pun) with myself in that way yet!

Owning Creativity:

• Do you feel like your creative juices are flowing?  How do you express yourself creatively?

Yes.  Through my art, my sense of style and decor.

• If you don't feel like you're expressing yourself creativity as much as you would like to, how would your authentic self like to express creativity?

Owning the Planet:

• Do you feel like you give back or help care for the planet?  Is your authentic self happy with how you serve the planet?  Do you wish you did more?  Less?  Don't judge it.  Just be honest with yourself.

I'm working on it.  Mostly having limited resources stops me but outside of that I have several things planned out...like recycling, composting, trying to go green-er.

Owning Your Purpose:

• Are you doing work you love?  (And by work, I'm not talking about getting paid, just to be clear.  If you're a stay-home parent that's DEFINITELY work.  If you're volunteering, that counts too.)

Right now yes, but when I'm working full time generally not.  I don't know how I'm going to feel about parenting yet (never been around a baby.)

• Does the work you're doing matter?

It matters to me.

• Do you feel like you're in touch with your life purpose?  Do you know why you're here on earth?  (This is a biggie.)

Yes.

Owning Your Money:

• How much money are you making?

Not enough...not as much as I'd like.

• Do you feel like you're underearning?

Yes, very much!

• Do you have issues with how much you're worth?  Do you undercharge people?  Have trouble asking for a raise?  Question your value?

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  I need to realize that what I do I put a lot of time and effort into and it IS worth being paid for.

Owning You:

• What's missing from your life in general?

Not sure...

• How might you fill any voids you feel in your life?

....?

Additional thoughts about owning my sexuality...I need to discover what turns me on, test it out, get comfortable with the concept of masturbation, discover my fantasies, test those out, get back to reading some erotica here and there (it's one of my "guilty pleasures"), talk about sexuality with my partner, explore and try new & different things, and do things that make me feel sexy...

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!