My facets...
- I don't discuss my religious beliefs with people outside of my faith. I feel often it makes others uncomfortable and I have no wish to have my beliefs scrutinized or chastised. You believe what you want I'll believe what I want and we can get along just fine leaving it at that.
- She of the ink and alternative life style....When we're talking just regular art I don't mind this facet turning up, but if it's got anything to do with my business I keep her locked up. While I'm not ashamed of my physical image and expression I know all too well that others - from a professional standpoint - just do not understand and cannot reconcile someone who appears "gothic" to be capable of anything outside of what that entails to them.
- Salem - The Exotic Dancer/Model: This is definitely a full on "other" person. She is me amplified but missing some of my "good" traits. She isn't patient or overly kind. She's caustically sarcastic and has a wicked sense of humor. While intelligent she feigns mediocrity in an outright deceptive fashion because it didn't suit her to be anything but a "doll" at work. Because "dancers" are stupid girls meant only to be visually pleasing...She takes no shit from anyone. If she doesn't like you she'll plain as day say it to your face and dare you to defy her opinion of you. She strong and empowered, even if she's dressed in a slip of a skirt, bikini top, and 8" heels. She's overly aggressive.
- Salem - the Richmonder/College Student: She's reasonably intelligent, from a small town, and has big aspirations. She likes to go out an party sometimes, hang out with friends and such. Sometimes she has a hard time in school though - is absolutely horrid at math - and originally she came to Richmond, Virginia to go to school for forensic science and anthropology with a minor in Russian. She's ambitious and wants to "do it all" but isn't sure what that "all" is.
- Aradia & Naware - The Businesswoman: She's professional, cordial, never late, never makes a mistake, always has everything perfect in your order, etc. She deals with people because she wants their money even if she doesn't particularly like them. She's overly patient when she probably needs to put her foot down for fear of missing out on money. She'll bend over backwards to try to make the sale, even if it seems to come off as desperate (and she'll have no idea of that even). I also realize that I do have this thought that as an artist I must be "starving" (meaning I'm not successful until I'm dead!)
- Alana - The Healthcare Worker: Never late to work she's always there. She never takes vacations, and while she doesn't work overtime she works more than her share when she is at work. If you need a hand, even if she can't stand you she'll help you, because she appreciates having help when she needs it. She always does her work alone and rarely bothers to ask for help because it's just easier to grit her teeth and do it herself. She efficient as hell though and once she gets settled at work gets her work done lickety split...freeing her up to help anyone who has decided to slack off...She doesn't like anyone at work but gets along with everyone, she never complains about co-workers or patients. She'll take whatever you throw at her and do her work narry a complaint. But inside she's dying, she hates her job, most of her coworkers and many of her patients. She feels unappreciated and when she goes home she likes to "drown her sorrows". Sometimes it gets so bad that she doesn't eat or sleep, and she becomes excessively crabby and irritable.
- Alana - The Girlfriend/Fiance/Wife: She's everything you always wanted her to be, she's overly protective and doting, and don't forget accommodating. If you need something she's likely already done it. You want sex, she's ready to go, you want to cuddle that's fine too. She gives of herself freely. But inside sometimes she wants space, but she doesn't get it.
- Alana & Salem - The Dedicated Friend: She's always there, regardless of what time of day. If you need an ear you can call her and she'll listen gladly. She always seems to know the right thing to say and will advise you day after day after day. She's forever putting herself out there to be available for whoever needs her. She'll literally drop whatever she's doing to help you out however she can and if she can't she's got a long list of other people who might be able to. You've called her every night this week and she still answers and still manages to have some sage advice. She never has issues, she never breaks down, but she's always there for everyone else...
One thing is for sure, when I'm doing my art or working in alternative healing I feel more like myself. Sometimes I curse, and while most times I'm professional, I'm not stodgy. I try to be myself and relax into those roles but maintain a certain level of decorum for professionality's sake.
Secret Sauce Writing Exercises
1. What roles do you play in your life?
mother-to-be, girlfriend, big sister, artist, healer, writer, businesswoman, soldier, college drop-out, CNA, exotic dancer, nude model, friend, pagan, clergy, oracle, student, teacher
2. Are you completely authentic in all of your roles? Which masks do you wear?
Unfortunately I can quite easily say that I am not authentic in all of my roles. While they all represent a part of me it's just a piece. I draw strict lines between many of my facets because I don't want any negative press with one of them to pass over into another one. While I won't say they are masks exactly there is some personality distortion, especially when it comes to my roles as a professional and as a dancer.
Playwork: Decorate Your Masks
(I'm fully planning on doing this part but it may have to wait awhile. I've done a positive exercise akin to this but don't have the same resources that I used to - I used to have a full box of clippings from National Geographic and other magazines. I will post pictures of some of the masks when I make them before I get rid of them.)
Reading Izzie's story I feel myself nodding as well. Only in my case I'm just now 26 and have a lot going on in my life - as does she - and yet I feel like I have barely (if at all) accomplished anything.
Another funny thing that comes to mind...while I have been struggling throughout these several months/weeks of the end of my pregnancy despair seems to have moved into my home. He keeps me company more than I'd like to be sure...I have been endlessly (it seems) going to one of my best friends over and over about things on my mind, from relationship issues, mothering/pregnancy/child issues, issues with home life (eg the roommates), work issues, my path, religion, my art etc. And one thing she has recently said to me was that, "You are the most unique person I know." I chuckled when I first heard her say that, but I understood what she meant immediately. While I am one thing I am simultaneously another thing that doesn't seem to fit with that other trait. While I am extremely compassionate across the board, I seem to have little patience or tolerance for certain things. To the point even where I can get enraged. A compassionate healer, enraged? Doesn't seem to make much sense, especially if you witness the depth of which I'll go to help another person...and not even necessarily someone I like or want to help! So the moral of this anecdote is that I do anything but fit neatly into a box, much like Izzie. While I've secretly known this all my life, it's not the life I've lived and it leads me to suddenly understand part of why I've had the struggles I have. To put a square peg in a round hole just doesn't work!
One of the things said about joining the fragmented pieces of the self we all have caused me to think...When I tell people all of my dreams - from being a Bellydance Instructor, Massage Therapist, Yoga Instructor, Artist, Businesswoman, Gardener, Herbalist, Alternative Healer (and varied modalities within that umbrella), Clergy Member, Counselor/Therapist, Holistic Nurse/Nurse Pracititioner - they always tell me, "that's a lot to do". But to me it's really not. Most of the training isn't related necessarily but none of it is very long, depending on the route you take, but it all most certainly can be joined together. It is a sign of my mind that I can see this while others cannot and reminds me of when I went to a tattoo artist to get my back piece drawn up. Originally I had just some ideas floating around in my head, but they were definitely solid concepts and all of it reflected my belief system and how diverse it is. While to someone else it seems as though it makes no sense, while varied it makes perfect sense to me...I practice it after all! The first artist, after I spoke with him about it a number of times said "I can't do it." He didn't really give me a reason but I was certainly miffed and felt that he could have said so sooner so I could have found someone else. After that experience I started doing some of my own doodles, gathering solid references for my artist to use and shopped around, deciding to go to another person who had worked on me before hoping for better results this time. I made several appointments, met with him, handed him my samples, was willing to give him artistic license as long as the elements were all there and he had my entire back as a canvas even. And while I'm small there was more than enough room. Weeks passed an appointment to get it started finally came, and he called me telling me he was sick and had to cancel, so I rescheduled....and then he cancelled again tell me thing time that "it didn't flow, it didn't make sense". What the hell?! Firstly, he really didn't need to understand why these pieces were there or put together, and honestly I gave a schematic so style and sizing was all he had to do and he - a professional who'd been doing this for years upon years couldn't come up with something?! I was pretty pissed honestly. So I did even more research this time to the point where I drew it up myself to scale complete with a color theme mapped out in my head and everything. I raised a couple hundred dollars (the last quote I was given was 400.00) and literally with my little sketch in hand walked into a random parlor several hours before a shift I was going to work at the club I danced at and explained, briefly, my struggle to find an artist. I ended with, honestly it's not that hard, and I've got it all mapped out, I just need someone to do it - and I've got 400.00 in my pocket, do you have anyone who'll take on the "challenge"? Aptly curious the guy behind the counter asked to see it, called over an artist and about 2 hours later I was nice and outlined...all that work for something so simple!
The final part of this chapter - the shamanic journey - I'm going to attempt to do right before bed just now (as soon as I download it to my iPod so I can lie down in bed and do it) but if that doesn't work I'll be trying again tomorrow and I'll post the results here...
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I did the shamanic journey just before bed and it definitely yielded some interesting results. Not even realizing what it would entail as soon as I got started I felt several messages being given to me in the form of several different animals popping into my head. While I have journeyed before on my own and independently in search of something (rather than guided in this instance) it was definitely interesting to have that happen!
Stone Allies: (these references are from my own personal impressions with "Other notes" being from Judy Hall's Crystal Bible)
- Amethyst - relates to the two head chakras, the Third Eye & Crown Chakras. This stone is associated with dreams and psychic insight, as well as being one of the general stones frequently used in healing. Powerful protective stone with a high spiritual vibration, guards against psychic attack, natural tranquilizer, blocks geopathic stress and negative environment energies, enhances higher states of consciousness and meditation, healing, cleansing, enhances spiritual awareness. Helps sobering of overindulgence, overcomes addictions and blockages, can calm or stimulate the mind (as appropriate), can help you feel less scattered, more focused and in control of yourself, enhances assimilation of new ideas, connects cause & effect, facilitates decision-making, helps with common sense and spiritual insights, puts decisions/insights into practice, calms and synthesizes the mind, helpful for those with insomnia that is caused by an overactive mind, protects against recurring nightmares, enhances memory, improves motivation, allows you to set realistic goals, helpful in dream recall. Balances out highs and lows leading to the centering of your emotions, dispels anger, rage, fear, and anxiety, helps with sadness and grief, supports one coming to terms with loss. Promotes love of the divine, gives insights into nature, selflessness, spiritual wisdom, opens intuitions, enhances psychic gifts.
- Clear Quartz - is an energizing and uplifting stone, and can be used to "power up" other stones or general things. Other notes: most powerful healer and energy amplifier, absorbs, stores, releases, and regulates energy, great for unblocking it, takes ones energy to the most natural state possible, cleanses and enhances the organs and subtle bodies, deep soul cleanser, connects the physical to the mental. Works on all levels of being, dissolves karmic seeds, enhances psychic abilities, attunes you to your spiritual purpose, aids concentration, unlocks memory.
- Rose Quartz - relates to the Heart Chakra, the chakra that deals with love and compassion. Other notes: the stone of unconditional love and infinite peace, most important crystal to the heart and Heart Chakra, teaches the true essence of love, purifies and opens the heart, bring deeper inner healing and self-love, calming, reassuring, good for use in trauma & crisis. Can be used to draw love and relationships (although you may need Amethyst to calm this drawing power if it becomes too much), in existing relationship it restores trust, harmony, and encourages unconditional love. Gently removes negative energy to replace it with positive loving energy, strengthens empathy, sensitivity, and helps in making necessary change, great stone for mid-life crisis. Enhances positive affirmations, promotes receptivity to beauty of all kinds, great emotional healer. Allows one to release unexpressed emotions and heartache, transmutes emotional conditions that no longer serves, soothes internalized pain, heals deprivation, opens your heart to receive love, comforting to those who have loved & lost, encourages self-forgiveness, acceptance, and invokes self-trust and self-worth.
- Blue Spinel - relates to the Throat Chakra, the chakra of creative expression and communication. Other notes: connected with energy renewal, encouragement in difficult circumstances, and rejuvenation, opens the chakras and facilitates movement of kundalini energy up the spine, enhances positive effects of the personality, aids in achieving and accepting success with humility. Blue Spinel specifically stimulates communication and channeling, calming of sexual desire, and opens & aligns the Throat Chakra.
At first I thought the first three stones suggested to me were just generic things that didn't necessarily have real meaning. Spinel, while I'd heard of it I had none and never have worked with. So I looked that one up first. However, as I read on past that entry I was amazed to see that a lot of the things I'm struggling with were covered by the stones "given" to me. Such as communication issues, dealing with a relationship, helping insomnia, and general energy issues. While I have had this occur to me before - me being given a symbol for healing for whatever purpose without knowing at first anything about the symbol - it still amazes me!
Plant Allies: (these references are from my own personal impressions with "Other notes" being from Ted Andrews' Nature-Speak & Scott Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs)
- Aloe - aids in general healing, particular superficial scrapes of the skin, as a succulent it also deals with storing water. Other notes: time to heal and smooth over irritations. Part of the Lily family, great healer for burns. Protective, guards against evil influences, prevents household accidents, brings good luck. Are you being too sensitive or ignoring your sensitivities?
- Blueberry - harnessing one's "juciness". Other notes: Help keep undesirables from entering your home or away from your property, protects against evil, good for psychic attack.
- Cactus - lends to have a "tough" exterior while still maintaining a "juicy center", helps with retaining water (one of vital needs of our bodies), the coupling of "ferocity" and delicate beauty (with their spines and flowers). Other notes: adaptation, finding and expressing beauty and strength in all conditions. Allows one to find the power within to manifest without despite one's surroundings, protection, chastity, absorb negativity.
- Echinacea - general healer, great for immunity. Other notes: strengthens spells.
- Raspberry - helpful with "women" troubles. Other notes: Relates to the Feminine, planet Venus, element Water, protection & love. Used to ward away the return of spirits after their death, love inducing, carried by pregnant women to alleviate the pains of pregnancy & childbirth.
- Coltsfoot - Other notes: Relates to the Feminine, planet Venus, element Water, Love & Visions. For peace and tranquility, for love sachets.
As with the last bit I was a little surprised with some of the plant allies. Most notably the Cactus, however upon reading just the keynote associated with it I could immediately see how it was needed in my life!
Animal Allies: (these references are from my own personal impressions with "Other notes" being from Ted Andrews' Animal Speak & Animal-Wise, and http://www.linsdomain.com)
- Kangaroo - nine month cycle (funny because I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy and have been working steadily on my businesses throughout it), only moving forward, the balancing of creative energies and the need to commit once the creation cycle - initial nine months - is complete.
- Jack Rabbit - Other notes: Fertility, new life. Associated with Hekate, the sense of being, relates to the Moon, luckiest sign in Chinese Astrology, ambition, finesse, virtue, ability to procreate, fleetness, makes great leaps & hops, active during the day and night - mostly around dawn & dusk, associated with the Faery, one of the most common prey animals - along with the mouse, cycle of manifestation = 28 days (roughly a month), the need to plan for possibilities, to learn about quick changes in movement - from stillness to great speed, try a vegetarian diet to help strengthen your connection with this totem and your own health - even if only briefly.
- Sparrow - Other notes: Awakening and triumph of common nobility. Lives everywhere (adaptability), symbol of triumph after long suffering, symbol of household divinities and peasants/lower classes, shows you how to survive, awakens a sense of dignity and self-worth, helps awaken the heart and throat chakras. Are you allowing others to take your dignity? Have you forgotten your own self-worth? Have you begun to think that you would always be under the heel of some tyrant - human or social?
- Frog - amphibian, connected to Earth and Water, transformation, song. Other notes: Transformation through water and sound. Associated with water, links to water and land - associate with the magic of both elements, linked to Faeries & Elves, rain, control of the weather, lunar energies & Moon goddesses, Herit, abundance, fertility, cleaning up dirtied waters, empathy, sensitivity to the emotional state of others, cleansing, healing, growth, flooding, stirring, symbol of coming into one's own creative power, strong ties to the mother, interest in non-mainstream music, use of the voice to call for rain, change, and stir the emotions. Are you becoming too mundane? Are you becoming mired in the mud of your day-to-day life? Are you needing to dive into some fresh creative water? Are those around you? Are you feeling waterlogged, becoming bogged down, or drowning in emotions?
- Dog - loyalty, courage, pack mentality. Other notes: Faithfulness, protection. Something small becoming great, guardian, relates to the Underworld, symbol of motherhood, strength of spirit, ability and willingness to love.
- Deer - a prey animal, swiftness, vulnerability, family/clan mentality. Other notes: Gentleness and innocence, gentle luring into new adventure. Highly adaptable, one of the most successful families of animals, very important and prolific in mythology, a return to the wilderness, connection to higher forms of attunement, the need to pay attention to inner thoughts and perceptions, growth and expansion for as long as the next five years, heightened perception, connection of the family unit - especially mother to child, mother plays most significant role in child's life, enhanced ability to detect subtle movements and hearing - especially things that are indirectly said, time to be gentle with yourself and others, a new innocence and freshness about to be born. Are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself?
- Mouse - pests, prolific breeders, good at not being seen, quick, foragers/survivors. Other notes: Attention to detail. While there is attention to detail in some areas there is neglect in others, the need to pay attention to details - especially for the next 5-6 weeks (which is what is left of my pregnancy...). Are you taking care of the trivial but necessary things in life? Are you getting so lost in the big dreams that you are neglecting other areas of your life? Are you becoming so focused on one or two activities that you are neglecting to see other opportunities? Are you missing what is right in front of you? Is there something obvious that you are missing or need to focus on? Are you trying to do too many things at once and thereby scattering your energies?
- Snake - fire, Kundalini, the world, creation, present on the wand of Asclepius & Hermes' Staff (caduceus). Other notes: Rebirth, resurrection, initiation, wisdom. Transformation, healing, Quetzalcoatl, alchemy, wisdom expressed through healing, symbol of Hermes, modern medicine, water, the underworld, sexuality, kundalini, compassion, forgiveness, superstitiousness, possessiveness, inner sight, control of the universe, wisdom, understanding, death, higher wisdom, trances, new knowledge leads to death & rebirth allowing one to see things from a different perspective, accurate marksmen, learning opportunities coming now, the art of mesmerization, looking into the heart and soul of others, change. Are you needing to make changes but aren't for some reason? Are you trying to force change too quickly? Are you striking out at people and shouldn't? Are you not striking and should? What is needing to be healed? What new opportunities are surfacing that you need to strike out for and take advantage of? Do things really smell right around you? Make sure that you are very discriminating about what you say and to whom - and with what you involve yourself?
- Spider - significance of the number 8, creation, magick, weaving, hunter. Other notes: Creativity, the weaving of Fate. Associated with Maya - weaver of illusion, the Fates, Grandmother - links past & future, relates to the number 8, teaches you to maintain balance - past & future/physical & spiritual/male & female, interconnectedness, the Wheel of Fortune, creativity, the spiral - a symbol of creativity, we are the keepers of our own destiny, the fact that we create our own "world", spider teaches language and the magic of writing, death & rebirth, relates to the Moon, combination of gentleness and strength. Are you moving toward a central goal or are you scattered and going in multiple directions? Is everything staying focused? Are you becoming too involved and/or self-absorbed? Are you focusing on others' accomplishments and not on your own? Are you developing resentment because of it - for yourself or them? Are you not weaving your dreams and imaginings into reality? Are you not using your creative opportunities? Are you feeling closed in or stuck as if in a web? Do you need to pay attention to your balance and where you are walking in life? Are others out of balance around you? Do you need to write? Are you inspired to write or draw and not following through?
- Slug - slowness, sliminess. Other notes: Movement to light, increasing fertility and divination. Symbolizes the male seed, touch, sexual union, the path of the Hermit or Adept, opening to a higher vision, the journey to become a new being, recognizing our inner illumination, reminds us that there are no shortcuts, be gentle with your joints, if you ask properly you will receive, one can do more than one thinks physically. Are you staying cloaked, afraid to come out and express your inner talents? Are you trying to do too much too soon? Are we not moving out on our own path? Are we locked into the paths others, rather than pursuing our own? Are we ignoring our own illuminations? Do we need to trust in our own ability to create?
Again I am amazed at some of the messengers I received. While some (the rabbit, slug, mouse, and of course dog) I have seen as of late, others I am not familiar with and seemed "odd" at the time. But as I read I saw the wisdom of these animals and their messages that I needed for this time in my life.
The final direction of the journey was to receive a message. For me I saw an orca and it said: Sing your song. While I can seem some immediate relevance to this statement I'm sure more will be revealed with time.
This is definitely an exercise I will want to repeat!
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