Module 5 - Chapter 18...

Answering the question of what magnificent "far out there" desire I have is hard.  I want to compartmentalize my desires, separate them all but really they all affect my life.  Going with the idea of "what would blow my mind if I woke up and it was there right now" I would have to answer:

• a brand new car, that I owned with no car payment and great gas mileage
• 50 sales and half my stock bought up in my store Faith Works
• 10 to 15 more custom orders before the end of the year
• a nursing job that pays me 12.00/hour, gives me full time hours and benefits in a hospital setting close by
• getting the money for the training I want to be a yoga teacher, belly dance instructor, zumba instructor, herbalist...etc
• thousands of dollars saved up in the bank, all my bills caught up and up to date, eliminating all of my debt (because it's paid off)
• an honorable discharge from the military (for health reasons)

I think if I woke up tomorrow and had a letter/email/voicemail etc about these things I would flip...

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:  Ask for what you need

I think the list above pretty much covers it, but there are some additional details.  Along with the car I need my driver's license back, and the 500.00 fee waived so it only costs 150.00.  Then I need affordable insurance.  For the sales, I need these sales to be before December 15th (for those who want Xmas presents) and otherwise before the end of the year.  I also need these to be of my current stock.  The custom orders I need understanding customers who realize that these things take time and money.  I have a few job offers in the works right now, I need one of them to come through and before the end of the month.  I am okay with starting out with less money but it's my goal to do good work and stay with them long enough to make more and then progress in my training and promotions.  For my additional training I need the money as soon as possible, but more important at the time when I am ready to pursue each training segment and can afford it in other ways (like being able to travel, etc).  However I can put money away in the bank I want to, be it from my businesses, gifts from relatives, through my "day job", or just winning the lottery.  The process of being honorably discharged I want to speed up.  I've already had the process started to put chaptered out for health reasons, but they need a kick in the pants so to speak.

What intentions do you wish to set?

• Within one year...I have all the training I wish to have for my healing center, updated to Eminent Reiki, finishing up my yoga teacher training, done with my herbalist training, and having my zumba & bellydance instructor training underway.  My credit is fixed, I'm engaged to be married.
• By the end of this year...I have sold half of my online stock, have custom orders pouring in and get tons of good feedback.  We have moved into a better place with our own space and plenty of room - including a bedroom for us and the baby, an office, a nice yard with a fence, and room to grow!  I am discharged from the military honorably and it is pleasantly behind me!
• Before the end of this year...I have paid Etsy and re-opened my store, paid T-Mobile and upgraded my account.  I have a car that is safe and reliable and good on gas.
• By the end of this month...I have a job working in the hospital in nursing, I'm getting boocoo bucks.

Watching the video and imagining a typical Wednesday five years from now....

I wake up bright and early at 6 am, slowly getting out of bed so as not to wake my husband (though I sneak in and steal a kiss and get pulled into bed for thirty minutes to nuzzle).  I get up and go into our bright, open kitchen and make sure coffee has started.  (I program it night before for 6:30 am).  As coffee brews I tip toe to check on my son, now five, who is still asleep in his bed and check on my daughter, now almost three, who is also still asleep.  As coffee finishes brewing I prepare a nice breakfast and grab my laptop having everything on the stove keeping warm but not cooking, and check my business emails.  I note that I have 5 orders to send out this morning from the day before and another 10 to process.  My healing center has 2 clients booked for this afternoon, each for an hour and both in a series of sessions.  I have a meeting with my other healers and an email to send out to my other healing coordinator contacts about some updates.  I have today off from the hospital, but some school work to do so when the little ones take their midday nap I'll be working on homework that is due tomorrow.  I smile as I look up and see Ryan, my husband, entering the kitchen.  I greet him with a smile, kiss, and a cup of steaming hot coffee which he puts down to pin me against the fridge for a passionate kiss.  We part as I feel the kicking of our third and fourth children, who are due in early November, both Scorpios.  With him up and breakfast served I step in to wake our son and daughter and bring them to the table for a nice family breakfast.  I let Aggie out to romp in the yard and do her businesses, then bring her in to eat as well.  Feeding our cat Ceasar too...The remainder of the day is routine.  I get through all my emails, pack up the kiddos for a trip to run errands to the post office and some light shopping for some fun projects for them.  Ryan watches the children and takes them to the park in the afternoon while I have my 2 healing clients who both pay and tip me graciously, setting their next appointments.

A gift from my future self:  a golden quill feather...(to write out intentions? my prose/poetry?)


I just put out some of my desires on the group, and have decided to either speak my need or imagine what I will have in a month, or visualize my perfect day every chance I get!



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 5 - Chapter 17...

I think I found another reason why my leap hasn't quite come on yet.  I recognize that where I am isn't great, I have been inching forward, but I can't say I've leapt.  I question the safety and sanity of such a gesture deep down inside.  Not necessarily because I'm happy with where I am, because I'm not, but because I'm not sure it will be any better.

It has also taken me a long time to see how not happy I am with how things have been.  That might be the other hindrance, it's not been a sudden catalyst of "wow this sucks", so much as a slow realization that this is not what I dreamed of when I was five.

I want to take stock of my life and do all the things it says to do to live your life ...

I have been thinking lately that there must be something deeper going on to explain why as much as I try I can't seem to get a job.  While I hate to be suspicious of everything it just seems like it shouldn't be this hard.  But the thought crosses my mind that I am in some way blocking myself, that I won't get any kind of sustenance until I change my views/thoughts and really work towards my goal.  That it's not bad for me to survive, but I can't lost sight of the final goal.

I think now that my catalyst was my mother's death.  But I didn't recognize it.  I can't say I was faced with my own mortality when I lost her, so much as a release.  The chains of expectation she had placed on me that I had accepted were a weight lifted.  It didn't matter what I did or didn't know, she wasn't there to nod disapprovingly or hug me when I was down - it was all me, just me, only me.  In a sense it was freeing, in another it was bewildering.  I hadn't realized till then how much those expectations weighed me down.  I was so used to sinking that I didn't know how to float.  That was 2005, it's now 2011, nearing the end and it's taken me all these years in between to slowly get to the point where I am now.  And I still can't say I'm there yet.  I knew that I didn't want to be where I was, so I piddled away 05, lamenting then becoming an exotic dancer, still trying to go to school while my grades slipped painfully low.  I battled depression, and I left a lot of things in my wake as I wandered through life.  In 06 I realized what I was doing wasn't cutting it...crisis #2 happened - I couldn't go to school because of a technicality (well rather a second technicality) so I just up and joined the military, thinking they could help and it was better than just working day to day.  Then I got married that December.  Then divorced in 08 after dodging arrest and threats, flirting and sleeping around at the end, dealing with more depression, deeper this time and even emotional/mental blackouts. In 08 I also met another man who ate two years of my life and held me back, causing a lot of strain and drain, it took me being physically apart from him to realize the affect he was having on my life.  I'd done some things here and there to pursue some parts of my dreams, but all those efforts had been limited by that relationship.  I slept around again, met someone much better this time, but the last negative experience has led this one off tainted, couple that with not officially working for two years, becoming pregnant, a psycho ex, trying to get discharged, not finding work and just plain old hardship...

This sounds like my own perfect storm, only it has been a lurking quietness, it's not been a grand explosion but a quiet darkness that has slowly engulfed my life, blotting out the sun slowly under my notice...then I looked around and realized just how dark it was...I went from one person controlling my life to another...I just didn't realize it.

I kind of wonder too if my slow seeming "non progress" has been my own "waiting & becoming" time.  While I leapt some time ago things haven't taken off like I'd hoped.

Letting go (detaching from my outcome - eg goals being accomplished) is definitely hard for me.  But I also think that doing that is integral to my own success to a major point.  Overthinking and analyzing and trying to problem solve for the Universe is a bad idea.

What am I not willing to risk?  My family, "who" I am.  What do you want?  The freedom to exist, to embrace what I love, to live my creativity every second of the day.

Talking about my spiritual place I know where that is for me.  My faith bridges gaps in life but evolves too.  Some things I'm clearer on in my faith than I was before, but faith is still the bottom line.  And I am comfortable with that.

The next article touches on a point that very clearly to me an issue defining clearly what I want.  Years ago I had an idea, but it was based on the expectations of others.  Then my own traumatic change happened and made me realize, in its way, how I was living life for someone else.  How I was not myself.  But even with realizing this I didn't see where it was I needed to be or what I wanted.  I just never learned to connect with the feeling, that energy and so even today I struggle with it.  But it's getting easier.  With this course I have definitely solidified many things about my dream and even in the cases where I haven't I realize just how vague some of my "pictures" are (which makes sense why they are just that rather than manifesting).  ***I also suddenly get the idea that I need to make this big "multimedia" art piece, paint, collage, drawing, etc of my perfect life/career/love etc.  That is an idea to manifesting I can really connect with I think.***

Gods...my dream life...a day in my dream life...

It's a Friday, I've had a nice productive week.  I'm preparing for the weekend and taking it off, I have some family engagement/date with friends/personal meditation time/sabbat/esbat planned where my whole focus will be some fun even and taking it easy, work optional.  I reflect back on my week, making light notes:  Monday I gathered my Friday notes from the week before and any I thought of over the weekend and prioritized for the day/week/month.  For the rest of the week - (till Friday) I go through this list from Monday, work, take regular breaks etc.  My work consists of seeing clients for healing, having project time, running both business, sending out orders, taking on a custom order or two, housework, time with friends and family, and just me time.  Not to mention of course having spiritual & healing time just for me every day.  I smile happily at my "full yet satisfying" week.  It's not overly full but I got a lot done as I did before and as I will the next week.  I think of my weekend and the fun I have planned, the fun I had last weekend and smile again.  After I've done my morning reflection I start the real "meat" of my day - I have breakfast with my family, spend some mommy time with my little one, do some housework (which I've split with my husband) and get to "work".  Around lunchtime I take an hour break spending time reading/with the family/watching a movie or tv then resume work in the afternoon till I'm "off" in the evening.  I make a final nod to my checklist, setting it up for Monday on my desk poised for any notes that comes to me after until Monday morning and enjoy a nice homecooked meal with my family and have a lovely night's rest.

So I dreamed a bit bigger than the exercise but that's perfectly fine.  Some parts are vague - like what exact work I'm doing when (I think I need to work that out because some parts are still super fuzzy) but it's definitely clearer than it has been before.

I love Lissa's fairy tale and it reminds me of my own.  I have always loved fairy tales yet never bothered writing my own...I think tonight I will dream of my own.

Reading her second part to the creation story she hits on the flaws in The Secret.  While I support the LOA I too feel the philosophy behind The Secret is lacking.  It expects that you're going to dream up a bunch of material things and poof there they are without regard to your place and what you might truly want.



Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 16...

I know I don't want to be average for sure - that's just not who I am.

I'm a traditional non-conformist, a strange bird by my account.  I appreciate tradition, some that is, but I value thinking out of the box and doing something that works.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises:  What's Your Risk Tolerance?

• How risk-averse do you consider yourself?

I will say that I will definitely think twice about doing something, including being authentic, if there is a chance of some sort of punishment.  Eg I will lose something/one.  Job, relationship, etc.

• Do you want to be this way?  If so, why?  If not, why not?

I in point of fact do not want to live in constant fear of losing out and therefore missing out on being me if nothing else.

• How might you exercise your risk muscle?  What would push your comfort zone without freaking you out?

Letting go for a day.  Just doing "me" and not caring if I upset or offended anyone.  Doing just what I wanted to do.

I feel good that she mentions that it's okay to play it a little safe and have a safety net.  For me I think the safety net will be accepting work I'm trained to do while I get the training I want, build my businesses, and fully shape my dream.  It's not to say that by accepting this work I'm giving up or putting it off "yet again" but said, to help myself (and my family out) now I'll do this while I do these other things.

I see that I am self-sabotaging myself.  I know I have a lot of paperwork to do to get my business legal, entering receipts, writing up my business plans, doing all that "boring, math" stuff.  So I have put off doing it choosing to be diverted with projects only.  There isn't anything wrong with being creative, but it's no good to the detriment of laying a good foundation which will afford me time to be 100% creative all the time and only minimally have to do the "boring" stuff.

Stop procrastinating, cultivate "stick to itiveness", and letting go of baggage all strike me.  As I've just said I know I'm procrastinating doing some work I need to because it's not "fun".  I also feel scattered and want to do a million things so my energy is stretched to thin to focus properly.  I also have put off things for years, and had many a loved one convince me that my dreams were a waste of time.

As I read the article about getting out of your own way I have a thought.  I think part of the problem I was having is that I was viewing my work/job all wrong.  The view I held has had my job as interfering with my life's work.  Now in reality it really was doing that, but I never did anything to give myself a break either so it continued to do that even when it didn't have to.  I could have worked a different span of time, different days or hours.  Instead I just accepted what I was given without asking for what I needed.

The bottom line though is that dreams aside (yes I hate to say that but listen with me for a moment) I have to survive.  I have bills to pay, debts to get paid, and things I want now and in the future.  I don't have any money in the bank or any saved or stashed anywhere so there is no option to just do nothing but what I want (with it paying as little and as infrequently as it is right now).  As Tama mentions in her book, it's okay to work in the meantime to survive, just as long as you keep working towards your dream.

I definitely need to identify my limiting beliefs.  I think right now some of the excuses are that I don't have the money to do what I need/want to do and I don't have the time.  I don't have the money because I haven't been attracting it - by not working and by having thoughts of lack.  I don't have the time because while I do work doggedly on some things I also get into ruts and put things off, losing several days (= several hours) of work time on many things, I put more on my plate than can be achieved in a short period of time, and I am not in touch with my time like I could be.  I know that as soon as I finish this e-course (or maybe before) I need to get to reading the Excuses Begone book finally.  I have had it for years now, know it will help, and yet...keep procrastinating, as though I don't want to dissolve these excuses/limiting beliefs.

Acknowledgement and compassion with oneself about things is vital.  Recognize your fears and what is holding you back, how you may be making things harder and then correct it on the spot with a positive thought/affirmation/action.

Reading Lissa's article about getting out of your own way gives me hope.  I can really hear her sitting with me telling me that I can do this, that I can make this happen.  It's encouraging and heartwarming.

Tama's article about risk hits to the point.  There is no life without any risk.  To just do what you're told ends you up with the risk that you lived an unfulfilled life, then what?

I know for sure if I don't pursue my dreams I'll die a little inside everyday.  I'd kick myself everyday too for listening to all those Gremlins.  I'd feel I wasted so much of my life because I started something I didn't finish.  I'd hate myself for it.

What might happen...I might have to work a job I hate in the meantime (but to be able to put it aside for my real dreams and calling is worth the small inconvenience of dealing with it now).  I might have to take less than I deserve in order to make sure the necessary things are taken care of.  But I can survive this way, I can keep my creativity and dreams alive.

I seriously echo Lissa's sentiment in the last article about wishing I hadn't taken so long to get here...


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 15...

My gremlin is my Ego...she looks like a very sad version of me, like a statue of gray stone with my likeness.  She is always sad, she says nothing but negative things.

When Lissa says, "if you're never failing, you're probably not risking enough" really is meaningful to me.  To play it safe all the time and just live to be and get by doesn't put any juicy-ness into life.  It is like bland regular oatmeal.  If that's what you want fine...but me I want raisins and spice in mine, bits of strawberry, butter, sugar milk ....something to spice it up!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• Write your worst case scenario:

I will have wasted my time with each business.  I will be stuck with all this art and crafts that I can't use, don't need and won't be able to sell without giving away.  I will feel as though I was wrong to start my businesses and that I went on the wrong path.  I will be back where I started, dissatisfied with where my life is and unsure of where I want it to be.  I will owe even more money, failing at each business.  No one will like what I make, no one will buy my products.  I will be lost with no direction.  I will still not know where I want to go or what I want to be "when I grow up"

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Name Your Fear

• Name your biggest fear.

That I will have put all this effort (several years worth of time, effort, training, and money) and not be able to make money in my businesses, owe lots of taxes, get further in debt, and have to start all over again; to not be on the "right" path.

Listening to the meditation at the end of "Befriending Your Fear" I feel good when I think of reaching out across the state and country...I actually smile.

* * *

I hadn't realized that I had in fact already read through this lesson and so I started it again.  (I believe there is some meaning in this...)  I made a contour drawing of my gremlin, Joseph, and boy is he an ugly little monster!

For me while I think about this I don't feel that fear is a big issue.  The only fear I really see that is daunting is that I'll fail.  But failure means what?  I won't sell anything?  I won't sell everything? It'll take too long to succeed?  It'll be too hard for me to do on my own?  Some of these things I've already proved wrong...I've had my businesses a few years and sold things.  Eventually I will sell everything but by that time I'll have added more so do I really want to sell everything all at once?  No, the stretching out of that allows me to steadily keep stock and develop new things.  How long is too long?  At 26 is it going to take till 30 to work?  Maybe, but even it it takes to 45, so what.  Is it going to kill me?  No, frustrate perhaps, but no bodily harm or death.  As for hard...things are only as hard as you make them.  If you believe everything is difficult so will it be.

Reading through the final article I recognize now that I also have a fear of success.  It causes an overwhelming paralysis that makes me want to quickly back away and "not bother" with my work.  I worry that I will sell everything (or nearly everything) and then have nothing else to add so my store will look barren.  I will get swamped with orders, not want to say no and not be able to get them out on time because I took too much on and then lose out on the business because I took too long to deliver.  I worry that I won't have the time, that I'll hit "my big break" but be too worn and too exhausted to go with it because I've been stretching myself thin for so long...

So I believe fearing that I am too small and not enough to accomplish the big success I want is the biggest thing right now (I have looked and thought about my task list and instantly become overwhelmed many times lately).  When I think of what I would draw to represent it, I see myself sad/in tears and small in the bottom left hand corner of the paper with all my success looming huge (& scary) over me threatening to bury me...

What my fear has to say to me:

Alana,
You're setting yourself up for failure and I've got to say that even without my help you're doing a stellar job.  You stretch yourself too thin, don't ask for help, and burnout is threatening you daily.  You've done my job for me basically.  You've got to realize though that I am your creation, I come from you and am defined by you.  All you have to do is take care of yourself, and do the "ass in chair" (just not "ass in chair all the time non stop").  You need to live the model you want to show to others...take care of you first, be in the now, and treat yourself as well as you treat others.
Looking forward to being conquered by you.
Your (silly) Fear

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 4 - Chapter 14...

Watching the video I think immediately of my ex.  I think to myself that if I had owned who I was fully (I tried to do it a little bit) that the relationship would have ended even sooner.  I would have been outspoken and would not have tolerated some of the shit that I did...

With my current he encourages me to be myself, even though I don't think he understands who that is...

I think the biggest problem is that for me to be me it has me living a certain lifestyle.  He wants everything to be us and together, but my philosophy is that if I can't afford it then perhaps I don't need it.  Working myself to death to just pay the bills isn't right.

I have to say that it never really occurred to me to just not ask what other people I care about thought.  I generally ask and then if my feelings are hurt I get upset.  Or I just refuse to ask at all, but that's hard to do sometimes.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:  Whose Opinion Matters to You?

• When you worry what "everybody" thinks, who is your everybody?  Write down the names of the key people who would have an opinion about your Leap.

Mom (if she were alive)

Ryan

Krystal

Judy

Sarah

• Now take a gander at your list.  Of the people on your list, whom do you most admire?  Whose opinion really matters?

I would say that I admire my mother the most but she is deceased.  I know she'd be the most critical of everyone on the list.  I think a close second is Ryan.  Everyone else I believe would "get over it" and be fine, he is the only person who might not like who I really am and I worry about that.

• Of the people left on your list, who do you trust to help guide you - not out of fear but out of faith?  Who really believes in you?  Who sees your potential and wants to help foster it?

I think that Judy & Krystal would see this but may initially be trying to think to practically.  Asking questions of, "well what are you going to do until this and this happens".  Being that the relationship with my sister is the way it is I don't think she would stop me, but I can't say she would support me - I think she would just end up being neutral and tell me what she honestly thought and to just go for it if that's what I wanted to do.

I have to say that no one on the list I think really is a mentor.  The people I would count as mentors I am not as close to and I don't worry that they would criticize or otherwise not support me.  Lissa & Alice I know both would and I consider both of them mentors, also Cindy & Lori I feel would support me as would Nicole  (both of them) and Angel (both of them).

Thinking of mentors, I have to think of where/what it is I want to do...

• Reiki Teacher (Alice, Lori, Starlene, Cindy)
• Holistic Nurse
• Yoga Instructor/Therapist
• Bellydance Instructor (Angel, Dolphina)
• Certified Herbalist
• Licensed Massage Therapist
• Store Owner/Artist/Crafter

I only have mentors for a few things but don't know anyone else who has "made it big" or been successful personally in these other fields.  I will have to do some research.

Considering paying a mentor.  While I need payment for my time and understand that same need in others, I also know that right now my financial situation will not allow it.  Right now my goal is to get some material things squared away to enable me to save money for myself and my family.  To be able to buy those extra things and take that time off.  But right now that isn't looking as though it will happen for a good year and then I will have 240.00 a month extra (from finishing off paying smaller debts) and should have made a dent in some of my other bills.  I want a car, eventually a house, and of course to receive all of the training I want - but it will all take time and money...

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 13...

Really considering what success versus failure means is is important.  When I think of success I think of making a certain amount of money.  But that is really vague, because how much is a certain amount of money?  Thinking about it I really don't know and have never really defined what that amount is.  Thinking a little further I believe that if I sell everything I make that will reflect success, but really I need steady customers, I need new ones.  I need students filling classes and regular clients for my healing practice.  I need to be giving readings often and have referrals.

She says that if you're not failing you're not trying or putting yourself out there enough.  I wonder if I am failing or just not trying hard enough.  I know a lot of people don't know what I do, I don't put it out there at all really.  That is something to think about.

Failures are just opportunity repackaged.  I love that quote.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What "failures" opened up opportunities for you?

By having to quit school I began my journey towards discovering myself and moving towards what I really need to be doing with my life.

• Which setbacks are you actually grateful for?

I'm grateful that I didn't start my businesses sooner as I'd wanted to because I believe I can do them more justice now.  I not only have room for them in my life, but I'm also in a better mental and emotional state to handle them and be successful.

• How might you rewrite your setbacks so you can see them as successes?

In waiting until I had a chance to mature more I have set myself up for success in my businesses.

In taking a break from school I was able to re-evaluate what I really wanted to go to school for.

• How might you stretch yourself and risk failure in order to grow?

I need to really put my businesses out there.  I need to act as though I'm proud of what I do and share it.  If someone doesn't want to hear about it that's okay, but I can at least put it out there once.  It could get me business in the long run!

• What can you do to make peace with failure?  How might you even make failure fun?

Initially I don't really have an answer to this.  Perhaps I need to redefine what success means to me, realize that to define myself in too specific a term negates me succeeding and realize how I have contributed and self-sabotaged myself.  I need to enjoy the extra time I'm given to devote to other things as I wouldn't be able to if I had "succeeded" in my original plan.

• How do you define success?

Success is making "lots" of money - some given amount.  Selling everything I make when I make it.

• How might you redefine it?

Success is giving it my all, trying, and putting real effort out there.  It is making my businesses known and getting positive interest and feedback.  Success is the creative flowering of ideas and following through and finishing projects.  Trying and developing new things whether they work or not.

• What would success FEEL like?

I would feel happy and satisfied everyday.  I would feel that no matter how much I got done I accomplished something.

• How will you know when you achieve it?

I'll be able to really "feel" it.  People who don't know me (and those who do) will be able to see it without me telling them about it.

I definitely see that I was holding limiting beliefs about what success was.  Being vague and expecting it to equate to strictly "some sum of money" was not and will not serve me.  I like her idea of success being inner peace, that happiness at the end of the day is what success is really about.  Definitely want to adopt that mindset!

Reading the article about how not getting something sometimes is just what you need (to get something better) I have to agree.  As hard as it is that I have the debt I have for going to college and dropping out, it ultimately led to me finding and embracing my path.

Finishing up the last three articles about mistakes and realizing that a mistake isn't the end of the world but merely a miniature path to growth.  As they say, mistakes show you were you are and how far you've come.  But they also put reality back into the experience.  We all have days or periods of time where we are off and things don't go just right - but these times balance out those other times when everything seems perfect.  In short it gives you much needed perspective.

The final article urges you to cheer yourself up when you need it.  For me I think window shopping and getting out of the house, spending time by myself or with friends is integral to me unwinding.  Those are the times where I am not performing so there is no place for failure because I'm just existing.  Those times allow me to just be.  I might also say that sometimes creating my art helps but only if the perfectionist monster doesn't come to town...


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 3 - Chapter 12...

I know that I undervalue myself and have low self-worth.  I know that I need to work on a lot of things (I even have had my other half tell me to work on a number of things), but for the most part I'm not really sure how.  I've "been this way" for so long that I don't really feel that I know how to be any other way, even when I see the inherit flaws in how I am or dislike something about myself.
For me, undervaluing myself is as much like breathing as...well breathing is.  I don't think twice about the voices the Gremlin uses, I don't consider that my Ego (eg Fear) ie Inner Critic is just doing this all to "keep me down" I don't consider that none of these voices or point of views are my own and never were but are just things adopted by me because I have chosen not to think or believe otherwise...
In reading through the ways to help with lacking self-worth "seeing a therapist" is listed among those ways.  I have to laugh a bit since it's something that I'm on the verge of doing (I just need to have my appointment which is not until just after my birthday).
Another thing is to write out 10 things you do better than anyone else.  Definitely worthwhile as an exercise and not something I'd've though to do on my own...

1. be myself
2. show unending care towards others
3. brainstorm in and outside of the box
4. exercise a level of extreme thoroughness in all that I do
5. make myself available for those who need me at all times
6. give objective, but empathetic insights
7. assert myself
8. care for my son
9. organize my home
10. make other people laugh

Now it goes on to suggest writing out 10 things that take away from your worth, perhaps even more helpful than the prior list because it helps you recognize things (so you can release them)...

1. listening to negative people (my mother, Donovan, Teniele...etc)
2. surrounding myself with negative people
3. believing and taking heart in what negative people say
4. questioning myself
5. doubting myself
6. holding onto limiting beliefs from others about myself
7. not trying my best
8. not being who I am or can be
9. not questioning others beliefs/thoughts about me
10. taking others at face value rather than analyzing where they are coming from (about me)

The ideas of releasing the negative, and re-writing who I believe myself to be are very powerful and ultimately very integral to myself right now I think.  With all the change and issues going on with me lately (trying to rebuild my relationship, coping with the trials of being a new parent to a newborn, and the struggles associated with both) I have come to realize just how little I value myself, and the "number" it's doing on my psyche...As far as loving myself, I'd love to do that, but I don't know how.  Until just now I didn't really understand what love was, but I know it each time I look at my son, each time I look at my other half - my heart swells with love for them to the point where I feel like bursting into tears because I never believed I would have such wonderful people in my life.  That I would deserve them or that I could ever really love someone as much as I love them both.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise:Improve your Sense of Worth

• How can I improve my sense of worth?

By believing in myself.  Seeing the good person I am, the good I can and do do.  Owning who I am and how great that person is.  By realizing that even if I'm not perfect and even if I don't do everything right all the time I still do a great job and more importantly I try and that counts.  Realizing how worthwhile I am to be around, what a great friend and person in general that I am and can be.

• What does it mean to you to be a woman?

It's definitely not just about being girly.  And to me that has little to do with connecting to my womanhood since I'm not the "girly" type.  But then again it's important to honor the distinction between us and the other sex.  It doesn't mean that either is devalued or valued more over the other, but each is important in it's own right.  It's being sensitive, dressing up, putting on make-up, wearing heels, being "giddy as a school girl" sometimes, going googly eyed over something in a store window, window shopping, enjoying time out with girl friends...

• What action steps might you take to reclaim your feminine power?

Definitely do those things that are associated with women.  Not because it's expected, but in order to connect with that energy.  Being so "anti-girl" I think that is part of where my misogynism stems from.  I don't really connect with that part of myself and I can even recall saying on many occasions - I'm not a girl I just look like one.  I need to stop self-depreciating being a girl and own those things knowing that in owning them I am not less of myself by any means.

*laugh my ass off about calling your Va-jj "Rebecca"*
A bit of reflection.  I was thinking about what I physically look like...and what I looked like about five or six years ago.  Now I have a bob with bangs, a handful of piercings and a number of tattoos.  Then I had no ink, short hair, lots of piercings (and was skinny of course).  I definitely feel like someone's mom right now, but I'm not altogether pleased with how I look.  I feel like I've "let myself go" and lost touch with what I want to look like, how I wish to express myself physically...I feel like I need to do something about this...
I'm finishing up the chapter, have all the last articles linked open, I think it's funny that owning femininity came up since it's definitely something I need/want to work on.
In the first article the statement about "if it's not making money, it's not a business" hits me hard.  I've had my other half say it to me and it definitely stings and hurts something awful.  On the other hand, to be realistic it's true.  At this point I have two expensive hobbies, neither of which I've been even paying attention to as of late...(which makes me feel awful by the way)...
Reading through another article I realize that one of the reasons why I'm finally getting my head out of my ass about my relationship with my other half (as well as me plowing through some other things I have needed to work on) is that I've been doing this course.  While the birth of my son and some of the feelings/realizations this work has cause has derailed me a bit from the progress I was making the time away reminds me and makes me realize just how important this course has been for me.  I really do owe Lissa something that "thank you" just doesn't cover.  She has, effectively, saved me from myself, helped me open my eyes, and allowed me to come into my own and who and what I want to be and really finally after all these years of struggling GET "there".  She has saved my life, in a real way that despite the fact that I still had to do all the work myself, she ultimately made it possible.
Moving on to the article about feminists I have to laugh, namely because while I respect everyone's right to be who and what they want I have always shied away from the idea of feminism because I felt it went "too much" over to the other side and in reality this notion of the "extremist" feminist is just what this article is not talking about being! :pEmbracing my dreams one day at a time!