Module 2 - Chapter 9...

My first thought for this chapter is that I don't feel that I've clarified anything.  While I can see things that have been holding me back and I've better acknowledged my shortcomings and those voices and some of the differences between just plain fear as a result of my Ego wanting control and things that might actually be in my best interest.

It seems like a little thing compared to other things.  But I think my next leap is a rather small, yet mentally difficult, one.  Maybe it's two.  I think firstly that I need to surrender my idea that "every job" I get at my level in healthcare is my last one, or will be my worst one, or will result in me being unhappy, drained, and unfulfilled and something I will end up having to quit.  My second leap I think will be to learn to trust.  The thing with this second leap is that I think I will just have to start trusting, and that the learning will come rather than me working up to it.  Screw jumping off the cliff.  I'm going to back up and take a running start off it (I'm afraid that if I don't I'll hesitate yet again and stay put.)

While I have already started my businesses and partially committed myself fully to them - yes I know that sounds like it doesn't make much sense - I don't think starting them now is my leap since I've already done that.  In my case I think that the other two things are going to lead more to what I'm supposed to be doing because I haven't done them yet and they will enrich the other small leaps I've taken.

I think now that today's phone call (from the job I at once resisted taking even though I still put in the application) is a sign from the Universe.  As I put up in the "Ask the Universe for What You Need" Posse comment area I think that this might be my "rope ladder to get me out of my hole" and "while it doesn't look like much it will get me from today to tomorrow".  Wayne Dyer says something, quoting someone else I believe, about the small steps leading to great changes.  I think this is part of that in action.  While right now I can't see how taking a job I've come to hate could possibly lead anywhere good - it's a job, in a field I'm trained for that can help pave the way for me to better things.  Taking this job doesn't mean I have to stay, doesn't mean that I can't do other things or progress, it just means that I've taken that position - nothing more and nothing less.

I had another thought...I've always held this belief that when I worked somewhere I had to.  That once I started a job I wasn't allowed to just up and leave because "that's not what responsible adults do".  And while I've felt relief when leaving every job I've had, I've also felt guilt.  Because I wasn't "earning my keep".  Where I got this idea that I had to work one place, stay there, and all that I have no idea.  But looking back that is certainly how I behaved.

I think another problem is that I have been interpreting my distaste for the work and how it makes me feel in the wrong way.  I keep assuming that it means I'm not supposed to do that work at all, and while that may be true that's not all of it.  I have realized part of what my dreams are, but I still am struggling to get there.  And I thought that when I realized what they were they would magically just come to fruition.  But everything needs some effort, even if it's only a little bit.  I also realize that while I may have realized some of my dreams, they're not as clear as I thought they were.  They're kind of "spotty" and so they haven't manifested as fully as I want, but then I don't really even know all of what that want even is - so how could I tell if they had anyhow?

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What big changes have you chosen in your life (as opposed to those that happened to you)?

I chose to try and start my two businesses, to study Reiki, and just go for it.

• When you made those choices, were you motivated by fear or faith?  Did you just believe, in spite of everything, that things would work out?  Or were you making your choice because you were afraid of what would happen if you didn't?  List each choice and determine whether it was fear-based or faith-based.

 I was motivated by a strong desire to do something that mattered to me.  I didn't really think of it in terms of believing or disbelieving so much as knowing that this is what I'm supposed to do, period.

• When you think about taking your leap, how does your body feel?  Buoyant?  Electric?  Heavy?  Clenched? Only you can interpret what your body is trying to tell you.

It feels right, and there is like some inner sigh of relief and a mumbled voice saying, "It's about time."

• What fears arise when you think about taking your leap?

I really don't think about them, because fear isn't an option.  Having lived the life dictated rather than dreamed I can't consider doing otherwise.

• If you knew you had only a year to live, would you still want to take this leap?  Why or why not?

Yes.  It's the "right" thing.  And not morally or ethically, but soulfully.

• Begin to explore your leap by finishing these sentences:

If I knew I couldn't fail, I would...live my dream 100%.
If I had all the money in the world, I would...quit "working for the man", get my degree in nursing and start my own practice, pay off all my debts, buy a house and a brand new car of my dreams, and full self fund my businesses.
If I didn't care what people thought of me, I would...be myself all the time.
If there were zero negative consequences to my actions, I would...be and express myself to everyone all the time.

Reading through the last articles before this module is over the second one talks about mortality and living life.  While it's pretty morbid and isn't exactly the nicest thing to think about, it's all too true.

And now just finally I have finished the final article, which was a magnificent narrative of the journey that Lissa took from Dr to Healer, from fear to hope & joy...I want to do that too!


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 2 - Chapter 8...

I definitely understand the leaps of fear, although sometimes in my experience they were like leaps of some invisible slave driver, one that meted out "you're supposed to be doing this, now mush...".  But I definitely felt like a lot of the things I did I did because I "had to" as a result of someone else's expectations rather than a desire, trembling or not.

It's funny, how I look back at my "dreams" for my mid to late teens and how many of my choices seem to echo what Lissa has been through.  Partially into high school I realized that while I "wanted" (eg was expected) to go to college after high school I didn't know what it was I wanted to do.  I got approached, due to one of my class choices, to go to nursing school but I rebelled against that wildly saying I wanted more than that, I wanted to be a doctor or something.  I can remember clearly that one day in class my teacher - a former nurse - said that I would have loved the health expo the class had gone to the day before, especially the pathologist, because I was so inquisitive.  (I had missed it because I had track practice and needed to be there.)  I idly looked up what a pathologist did and just like that decided that was what I wanted to be.  I used to joke that that was the only thing I could do in healthcare because "I had a terrible bedside manner" (which isn't really true) and that "if you ended up on my table you were already dead, so I couldn't make mistakes".  But mostly I think I chose that because it seemed to satisfy a curiosity I had and was "safe"...(the estimation of a six figure salary didn't hurt either).  But one crucial thing in this life I was painting up in my head that I thought I would have was that there was no time for me to be me.  I had no husband or children, I didn't consider time with friends or vacations or anything but work.  I didn't realize that at the time, but I see now at 25...super pregnant...that I didn't make time for me.

What a ridiculous thing to do...




Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 2 - Chapter 7...

This chapter is all about your calling...I think part of mine is to help reshape the healthcare system(s) we have set up, but in a smaller way than what Lissa describes, by bringing to light the need to be more in touch with ourselves on a holistic level rather than relying on others completely (degrees, training or not) to tell us "what's wrong" with us.

I think I knew I was being called because every day I went to work or school even and I got nothing out of it.  I've known this for awhile now but I resisted it the whole way through, telling myself, no no, this is what I'm supposed to do because it's expected of me.  When really I was denying my truth and what I longed to do.

My calling to me has shown up in various ways by "what I always seems to end up doing" - caring for others, counseling, and helping others.  My ridiculous amount of patience, my attraction of those who need my help, and the opportunities, as well as hardships, that have made me this type of healer...

Continuing my reading it goes on to say that you don't choose your calling and that sometimes it isn't what you want to do but the work will just keep coming up.  This causes me to have a little mini revelation...I have commented on a number of times that I seem to attract people, people who need counseling, who need help. I have even discussed this with a fellow healer & sister Witch.  And I know all too well that ignoring the call is a bad idea because it will just get louder and more persistent until I stop fighting it.  So how can I look at these people I bring into my life and heal them or learn from them so I can heal myself and others???

What is calling me???
I counsel and heal people.  I make art that is spiritually oriented and uplifting and useful (at times, sometimes it's just neat to look at :p ).  I have decided that holistic nursing will help with the healing side of the equation, but for the counseling I'm not sure how to make that happen yet.  I'm already a minister and do a bit of spiritual counseling, but I want to help other people find their way - so life coaching is something to do, but also helping other people deal with their emotions, especially since I'm so empathic - like depression, anger, and grief I think would be something I'd want to do.  I think mostly adults for this venture, or women, I'm not sure about that.

What really matters to me???
Health & wellness.  Realizing one's potential, and being in touch with your Self.  I would urge people to know themselves intimately and clearly.  To cast off the illusions other people and they put on themselves and for them to see themselves as they really are without judging.  I would urge people (as I do already) to get to know why something is in their life before they go and kick it to the curb.  (As I believe there is a lesson in everything and to just dismiss something we feel is "negative" means we don't learn our lesson.)

I definitely see some of the signs of my calling and while not 100% of it is clear some parts definitely are.

It's funny...I'm reading the last article for this chapter and I suddenly recall that I had a male cardinal chirping quite loudly outside my door yesterday.  I meant to look up the meaning of him as a symbol and completely "blanked out" on the messenger.  I will be sure to do that and even note anything of import here...

The first thing that sticks out to me about Cardinal's messages is this one:  that of owning one's self importance.  I know I diminish myself a lot, making light of what I do and the impact I make because I'm only one person with little to no "formal" training.  But that doesn't mean I don't know anything, or that my thoughts aren't important.  The fact that this little bird was red and male also says something about his message to me - red is a color of vitality, strength, blood, and fire.  The masculine energies are typically seen as directive and assertive.  This encourages me to strive forward with purpose and "fire in my belly" in an assertive fashion instead of acting meekly as I have been.  While I'm sure it was a male I saw, the energy of the Cardinal in general also encourages the assertion of the feminine aspects of creativity and intuition more strongly.  I think these forces are naturally acting out in me however as I've been inspired both intuitively and creatively lately so I just need to keep listening to those things and "go with them".  Cardinal has signals about noting one's diet and that has also been coming up to me a lot lately.  I wish to do a cleansing after I give birth, kind of getting started anew and preparing for a new phase - not just mommyhood, but also the embracing of me nurturing other things (like myself and my dream and it's realization).  The sharing of tasks in the parenting department is also an important message too.  My SO and I need to equally share and help one another out in the raising of our child for him to get the best upbringing I believe.  And the final message of import...that everything you do is of importance.  Again this speaks of recognizing and honoring one's self worth.  But also not to take for-granted the little things too.  Definitely food for thought!


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 2 - Chapter 6

I haven't even started it yet but I'm already excited...

While I *think* I know what I want, as I learned from my work in Module 1 there is still more to learn and I could easily not be in as touch with all of my desires deeply as I think I am...

I feel already the doors starting to unlock as I approach them.  I know that I have never given myself permission (up to now) to even think about the life that I want to lead.  I have always been about what is best for everyone else around me.  I can feel the struggle of mommy-hood calling too.  You're supposed to do for your children...But really, what better way to do for your child than to be yourself, and encourage them to do the same, and of course set a good example.........!

I totally feel the mention about lack of confidence.  But what the reality is is that I have never really tried to dream big, so how do I know I can't do it?  I don't.  It's just that fearful voice cropping up.  The issue with having people around you who cut you down, lack faith, etc has been with me all my life.  It started with my mother, whose voice I can still hear telling me that my idea/thought/dream to become an herbalist and work in alternative health was silly and there was no way I could make money doing it.  I also definitely know about the fear of failure.  All of these things while they seem to be logical really aren't.  They're based on fear and worries.  And while maybe originally, back in the day these fears may have had a reason and a purpose that was good.  Now they just hold you back and stop you from living the life you deserve, the life you want.  I have also definitely tried to share with others my dreams and had them criticize or shoot them down.  And I can tell you yea it does hurt.

Working on finding a dreaming big partner - asked a close friend first, but if she doesn't want to then I'm going to go to the Dreaming Big Posse, and then Lissa.

Playwork:  Start a Dreaming Big Journal

I'm going to start this journal, but keep it here so everything is in one place.

Playwork:  Boost Your Confidence by Affirming Yourself

• I am not making any money with my businesses.  I am making tons of money with my businesses.
• I sit at home all day wasting my time busting my ass trying to make my businesses work.  I work from home joyfully and effortlessly.
• I can't keep a "regular" job.  I work for myself in and outside of the home.
• I have really bad anxiety.  I am cool, calm, and collected all the time.
• I have trouble with depression.  I am joyful and a beacon of light for myself and others.
• I can't focus my mind on what I want concretely.  I focus easily.
• I have no motivation.  I am motivated.
• I am not academic enough to go back to school.  I am brilliant and do great with classes, studying, and in school and all other sorts of academics and training!
• I have too much debt to ever keep up or get rid of it.  I am debt free!
• I have terrible credit because of too much debt and bad choices.  I have great credit and pay all of my bills on time and make sound economic choices.
• I attract people to me that suck me dry and "eat my soul".  I attract people for my business who benefit from my help and are able to pay me, in my personal life those who uplift and support me.
• I can't communicate my feelings without hurting others.  I am easily able to communicate my feelings effectively and clearly.
• I attract men who won't communicate with me.  My significant other and I communicate clearly and easily.
• I'll never find the "right man".  I have found the right man!
• I'm doomed to be alone.  I am surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family!
• I want to do too much and will never get it all done.  I am able to bring all of my dreams (big & small) to fruition easily and effortlessly!

Playwork:  Write Yourself a Love Letter

Definitely need to do this, but I believe I'll do it in a separate post.

Playwork:  Invite Your Friends to Gush About You

Done - and I'll post the results here!

Me:  What's awesome about me? (No really, I'm asking and I want to know what everyone thinks!)

• Nicole Lendman:  you are a very smart woman who is very caring nd about to be a mommy ;-)
• Krystal Hobeck:  you have opinions about everything.  I love your honesty.
• Donna Hollibaugh:  You are an extremely talented young lady!
• Christina LeMaster:  You're considerate and somehow Chaotic at the same time.  Which is strange because you seem to keep a very strict schedule...I stick to all these conflicting comments.  Heart you!

Playwork:  Enlist a Friend to Boost Your Confidence

• What are my natural gifts?  You have a natural gift for sheer honesty. Never stop that.
• What's my best physical attribute?  I think you have a really kind face. But I think your tattoos are pretty amazing too.
• When you describe me to other people who don't know me, what do you say about me?  I have been known to describe you as another artistic friend that gets me. Someone who at times can be as crazy as me. And sometimes a friend that I have to stop what I am doing to truely listen to her rants and concerns.
• What trait, skill, or gift do I have that you respect and admire?  Your gift for all things spiritual, which is what drew me to you in the first place. I admire your level of spiritual activity and hope one day to be of that level.
• How am I a good friend to you?  You are a good friend to me because we play off each other in different areas of our lives. As I mentioned earlier you are really honest about most topics which is good. I need someone in my life that can tell it like it is. You make me laugh at the funny things you do, and now that you are a mom we have one more thing in common.
• How has knowing me changed your life for the better?  I like to think that knowing you has changed my life in a way that proves I am not alone and not the only person that thinks like me.
• What's your big dream for me?  Pull out all the stops and, knowing what you know about me, paint me a picture of the life you'd grant me if you were my fairy godmother.  If I could give you the life I think you would like I would give you land for your plants, space for your arts and crafts, space for your healing, a man in your life that has a better understanding of you. And a son that grows up to love and respect you for you.

There are 2 articles after this exercise and the first one encourages you to try an exercise that involves picking a picture representing unconditional love and coloring it.  I'll need to wait on this because I'm out of ink and paper, but I'd like to definitely try it.  I downloaded the PDF and will share the colored picture after I've finished it.

Playwork:  Invite your Inner Child to Dream Big

This is definitely going to be something I have to work on, I'm not sure what my inner child would say and honestly a lot of the dreams that I had I don't wish to fulfill anymore.  I'll start a post on this and mull it over adding to it as I can.

Playwork:  Release the Criticisms of Others

Definitely a great exercise to try!!!

Playwork:  Imagine Your Dream Life and Write Your Obituary

Alana Wells.  Born July 4, 1985 to Stephanie & Daniel Hilliard in Jacksonville, North Carolina.  She is survived by her husband Ryan Williams and son Adarian Malachai Williams.  She was known among friends and family a the helper and a genuinely helpful person.  She strove to express herself artistically and as a healer and tried to begin two businesses simultaneously which had mediocre success.


Alana Charity Williams.  Born July 4, 1985 to artist Stephanie Hilliard (nee Jones) & Daniel Hilliard Staff Sergeant in the Marine Corps.  She was the eldest of three children, siblings Sarah Michelle Lawhon and Billy Ray Lawhon III.  She was happily married for many years to Ryan Casey Williams and had several children, including Adarian Malachai Williams.  She accomplished her dreams of becoming a successful and talented artist & alternative holistic healer at a young age, before the age of 31.  She was a beacon of light within her community working as a counselor and minister and did a great amount of charity for women, children, and those less fortunate.  She was an inspiration to all and brought joy and light wherever she went.  The world needs more like her and she will be fondly remembered and greatly missed.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What compliments do people give you?

I am caring and understanding, I am a good listener, I am wise, I give good advice.

• What do people regularly tell you you're good at?

Giving advice, listening.

• What physical attributes do they comment on?

My eyes.

• If you did the Facebook Playwork, what did people say?

See playwork for responses!

• What do others admire about you?

My experiential wisdom, my creativity.

• List the voices that cut you down.

Mom, Donovan...

• When you check in with your Inner Pilot Light, do you genuinely believe these criticisms?  If so, why?

Sometimes it's tempting to believe them because I can't "prove" them wrong.  But they can't prove themselves right either...

Focusing on my desires is something I rarely do.  I rarely give myself permission to dream or even give thought to what it is I want since I have a bit of a "martyr complex".  In recent years (actually since embracing my own personal religious path) I have gotten better at it but still I have a tendency short change myself here and there.


Another exercise....listing my desires:

• To work full time as an artist & a healer with lots of orders and clients.
• For my businesses to pay for themselves and bring in real profit.
• A brand new car.
• Certifications/training/licenses in:  Bellydancing, Massage Therapy, Yoga, Nursing, Counseling.
• A nice home with a front and back yard and a garage.
• To be happily married to the love of my life.

There are some tips listed to help you dream big...

1. Articulate your dream...this is definitely something I need to do.  While for the most part I know what I want to do, there are still some fuzzy spots or holes that I'm a little unclear on.  I think that making a chart of all my things I want to do and how they integrate with my business and really thinking about each thing and being sure that all of these things really support what I want to do.
2. What would you do if you took fear out of the equation...go forth fully and confidently, no holds barred and in a joyful way.
3. Listen to your intuition...Surprisingly so, this is something that I have been doing.  I keep getting these "feelings" about things I need to do and I've been just listening to them.  Although some things that involve money I feel the need to be a little more careful with since my funds are limited at the moment and until I can get the funds in that I want I want to make sure I have everything I need to cover what I wish.
4. Believe your dream will come true...this perhaps might be the hardest thing for me to do just because I let the voices of fear, doubt, and worry plague me and undo all my positive thinking.
5. Send naysayers to time out when you go for your dream...
6. Gag your inner critic...This will take some practice.
7. Make room in your life for your dream to come true...I'm really not sure how to do this.  I guess maybe by not taking more on than I can handle or being willing to change my schedule to allow time for changes.
8. Don't be afraid to fly with the eagles...must practice!
9. Work hard and stay focused...I definitely think I'm doing that, by implementing my schedule I'm making time to get things done that I had formerly kept putting off and getting my "to do list" down to a dull roar instead of it being this mass of unfinished things that threatens to overwhelm me.
10. Be gutsy and take risks...This is another thing I feel I have to practice.  While I'm taking risks I sort of have the safety net of government aid and my partner taking care of the financial necessities (rent, gas, and little extras).
11. Go with the flow...I think that I am doing this, and that's where I can run into resistance from others.  I've always lived by the "what I ought to" and "what others think" and I'm seriously doing all I can to not fall into that again.  This causes a lot of criticism by others who I don't think understand me and what I'm trying to do.
12. Redefine what success is...Definitely necessary.  I have some definite outdated thoughts on what I think success is and they're not in concert with the work I'm doing now so I think they lead to part of my mediocrity.
13. Nurture yourself...A definite need.  A lot of what I'm doing now is just "work".  While it's all work I enjoy I tend to choose to work rather than take a break so I need to be more forgiving with my schedule and take breaks/naps/downtime when I want/feel the need to.  Especially since I'm pregnant!
14. Put yourself out there...This is a major leap of faith and something that's going to take time and effort to get into.
15. Don't dim your light...more practice needed here too!

I definitely recognize that life is short and that while it's never too late to start living it would really suck if I wasted all my time wishing and wanting instead of doing and creating.  So at the ripe age of 25 I'm doing what I can to not start too late with my dreams.  I'm trying to accept that whatever time is gone is gone and that's okay and I'm getting to start earlier than I could and that leads me to having that many more years to enjoy my dream!

Reading the first of the final bits for this chapter and the question is asked:  "What do you want to feel?"  Immediately what comes to mind:  blissfully happy in all of my choices & decisions in my life path.  I think that is the best way to sum it all up.  If I am that then I have put thought into my actions and I feel confident in the decisions I made.  Feeling that way I won't be constantly questioning myself or second guessing everything I do.  I will be at peace with myself.

Some additional powerful words I want to feel:  inspired, peaceful, spiritual, loved, connected, generous, compassionate, rejuvenated, empowered, safe, creative, innovative, fulfilled, balanced, & calm.

I am reading the second article and I am feeling compelled to definitely include some of the questions it wants one to answer in here because as I read them I have some definitive answers to them:

Questions to Clarify What You DON'T Want

• What makes you feel completely drained?

Working as a CNA, working my ass off for little pay, being unappreciated, being mistreated at work and in personal relationships.  The "daily grind" (working just to work, to survive and "get by") in some field I don't relish but "pays the bills".

• What experiences make you want to numb out, by eating sugar, boozing it up, or zoning in front of the boob tube?

Negative emotions and people, working in negative environments that don't fulfill me.  Dealing with draining thoughts and people all the time.

• What activities elicits physical symptoms in you, such as bouts of nausea or headaches?

The idea of having to work in a field I hate, being stuck and unfulfilled in some job.  Dealing with negative people (especially those from my past - like Jimmy & Donovan).

• What fills with you with looming dread?

The idea that I will never realize my dreams, the idea of having to give it all up and "go back" to just working to get by and what that means.  Dealing with the military.

• What creates a panicky feeling in your body?

The idea that I will fail at my dreams after all my hard work due to something simple that I couldn't control or that was out of my hands.

• What people make you shrink?

Those who shoot down my dreams, misjudge and criticize me (especially when they don't know anything about me).

• What do you find yourself forgetting or screwing up repetitively?

Getting up on time.

Pay attention to these things!

This is your authentic self bellowing at you, trying to get you to listen.

Questions To Clarify What You DO Want

• What makes you lose track of time?

Working on my art, doing healing work/research.

• What do other people tell you you ROCK at?

Listening, helping, counseling, caring for others, creating, being inspired, organizing.

• What makes you feel uber healthy?

A good night's rest, a nice cup of hot tea, meditating in the morning, doing my yoga.

• What circumstances or experiences rev up your creative juices?

Connecting with the Divine, getting out in nature.

• What people make you feel like a superhero?

Those that I help who I can see are truly grateful for what I do.

• What circumstances or activities make you feel relaxed?

Reading quietly, drawing.






I have a brief worry come to me just now that all this work I'm trying to do is useless and won't amount to anything.  I know this is my inner critic, the nasty Gremlin, piping up talking all kinds of crap.  I visualize myself turning to the little nasty creature and putting an index finger to my lips and saying "SHHHH" loudly.  I hear it grumble and wave a hand over my shoulder dismissing it's grumblies and strive ever forward...


10 Tips for Reinventing Yourself...

1. Don't put yourself in a box or let anyone else...This is definitely something important.  I know a lot of people who have told me that I want too much or that I want to do too much.  But I feel that everything I want to do has purpose and meaning and relates.  So pffft to everyone else who thinks I want to much...it's just enough!
2. Remember that life isn't a one way street...It's okay to want to turn around, drive this way or that or both ways.
3. Hold onto your childhood dreams...the only issue I have with this one is that a lot of my childhood dreams I don't want to do anymore.  I can still honor that I had grandiose dreams and celebrate that ability by dreaming big now though.
4. Send your inner critic to time out...I'm working on this.  I think firmly stating to it that it holds no power over me and I don't have to listen to it will help.
5. Avoid worrying about what "everybody" thinks...As it says "everybody" usually isn't that many people and they're generally negative people who are holding you back.  For the most part I think that I just need to cut these people out of my life (some I already have - yay) and make peace with those people who while positive to have around may have negative thoughts.
6. Trust your inner guidance...I think I've been doing that and that it's getting louder as I go along.  As I said earlier my intuition seems to be growing because I get these "strong urges" to do certain things I feel are right to do, that I must do.  I also think that the more I tune into guidance the easier it will be to hear it.
7. Resist the temptation to let fear rule your decisions...This is definitely something that I'm going to have to practice.  I mentioned earlier grappling with those feelings and I know that even those things that didn't originally come from me see to have become ingrained in my because I heard it so much and accepted other people's thoughts and ideas as my own.
8. Don't rely on labels to define you...I know I have a natural tendency to identify with certain words.  I think what I need to do is personally recognize that while I may be an artist or a healer, I'm subject to other people's definitions when I describe myself with just these words, so it's best to use my actions to express who/what I am rather than rely on someone understanding how I might define something.  It's okay to be more...
9. Surround yourself with other people who fearlessly reinvent themselves...Being in this course is helping with that, but I really would like to have people close by that I can meet up with and have coffee or tea with that think this way...
10. Be you all the time...Definitely working on this, slowly but surely.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 1 - Chapter 5...

I'm listening to Lissa's video is it worth it and I'm wondering right now if I am with who I am supposed to be.  The heart to heart that she had with her third husband when she met him is something that I feel I might need to do and put it out there with him, ask him to do the same...and I'm scared and nervous as hell.  Because I'm pregnant with his child and we've been together since August and....wow hell of a time to decide this...
I also now worry a little bit that the seeming division in my business life might be harmful to it.  And I wonder if I should tweet/blog/post whatever for both the same thing sometimes to own my authentic self...
Now comes the question...how can I be my authentic self in all these areas of my life...it's a big question, it's scary and I don't know the answer yet...
Having since stressed, fretted, and even sending out a mass email to the GOOYOW group I touched base with my friend Krystal and we discussed some of the sexuality issue.  I definitely feel better and less alone, even though she's all the way in Georgia.
I just read "when you shine your inner pilot light unapologetically even your flaws can become great strengths".  I firmly agree with this as my own struggles I have used to help me relate to others in an, "I know what you're going through", "been there", "this is what I did", and other inspirational ways.  I feel that despite my struggles they have made me stronger, and made me seriously realize some things about myself and my world as well as allowing me a better ability to help others.  I try to hold the attitude & encourage it within others that you should always be grateful, even and especially for the "bad stuff".  Why?  Because if you have ANYthing in  your life that's good, somehow, some way that "bad stuff" helped contribute and that is a blessing that should be cherished.  By no means should you keep making the same bad choices or mistakes, but do take from them the learning and benefit that you can!
At first I wanted to just jump into the later modules, but I cannot get over how integral the unfolding that I am going through and the connection I'm making by really learning to tune in to myself.  While I've said plenty of times that I'm pretty good at this or that or I knew that, many basic facts I just wasn't "in the know about" and I didn't even realize it!  And one major/main factor - I don't ask myself what I think/want/feel EVER, I'm all about other people all the time.  This chapter and the last have really helped me start to turn that around.  In trying to sort through my feelings about sexuality I started an "out loud" dialogue with myself, (yes I was talking to myself).  But in starting that conversation - which ended up leading to a conversation with my dear bestie - I realized some key things that honestly hadn't even occurred to me!
I think my "mediocre" success with my business stems partially (maybe) from my facet division, but mostly from my lack of "putting myself out there" in a real way and having negative thoughts about money.  Even now I hold the view that the only way I can earn money is by working a "real job" and I know that until I make that view go poof I'm not going to rake in the dough, I've shut and locked the door even though prosperity has called and told me it's on it's way...The other issue - putting myself out there - stems from I believe fears and low self-worth.  I worry that if I blab about my businesses I'll be considered "spam".  People will be turned off because it's art and it's "fun" but not necessary.  That I don't talk enough about my healing practice and just frankly no one knows I exist.  This is not me being authentic...
Secret Sauce Writing Exercises

• Do you think living an authentic life is worth the risk?

It is, but it is also definitely scary.  Mostly because at the point that you realize you need a change you have probably been "living a lie" or holding back for quite sometime and it may feel like you're "going against" something inside you to be any other way than what you appear to be.  (Which is true, you're going against your fears.)  Ultimately, I don't think there is any other way to be.

• Are you afraid that if you let your true self be witnessed, you will be rejected?  Does this fear keep you from letting your freak flag fly?  How much are you holding back?

I do hold a fear of rejection, like somehow I will not be good enough or disappoint people with who I am.  But if so, so be it, I don't really need people like that in my life anyhow.  I'd say I'm holding back 40 to 60 percent depending on the situation.

• Whose rejection do you most fear?

In my personal life I fear the rejection of my partner.  Partially because I've heard him express some ideas about who he thinks I am that I know aren't always true.  In my business life I fear the rejection of potential customers, that they will see wow she's kooky and they won't even come into my shop.

• Is that fear enough to hold you back from being your authentic self?

Honestly, I really don't think so.  I'm so sick and tired of having to cater to other people's ideas that I've had it and can't stand to keep it up.

Playwork:  Reveal Your Authentic Self to Someone You Trust

• Check in with your own feelings?  How did it go?

I just got the responses back from the two people I came out too and they were both positive.  The first more directly gave input on each section and commented how she thought points were normal and "within reason", whereas some were outright odd.  Most of all though she appreciated my coming to her and trusting her and my individuality.  The second was brief and merely commented on how she felt I did a good job and she was glad I didn't pick everything apart (which I'm famous for - over analyzing).  I feel they both were right, but I also picked slightly biased people.  I have known one since 2003 and we often have private conversations.  The other I have known while working in a club, and we became close friends due to our commonalities.  Since then we have become even closer even though we've only known one another since 2009.

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 1 - Chapter 4...

I'm writing this from WordPad while I wait for Blogger/Blogspot to return.  I will not be thwarted in my personal attempts to document progress dammit!
Just starting Chapter 4 (and only half way through the first Module - holy crap it's long!) But I'm really pumped about it, just from reading through comments and hearing what others have to say about the whole course and future modules I can't wait to really "get to the good stuff" (although this module is CRITICAL I think.  I mean I am partially in denial about some of it, telling myself "O I don't need to work on this," then I realize uhm yea I do!  So it's a wonderful learning experience!
The question was just asked, "What part of yourself needs to be most nurtured?"  For me that's a big and lofty question as I know I don't care for myself as I should.  And while some of that statement can be attributed to what others have said to me, I know it to be true.  Physically speaking I work long into the night a lot, push myself past exhaustion, forget to eat or eat in a way that doesn't best nourish my body.  Mentally I berate myself for normal and understandable shortcomings.  Emotionally I torture myself with bad memories and negative experiences.  I tend to be a workaholic and don't really take "me" time.  So I think the part of me that needs to be nurtured most likely is "me".  As in my personal wants and things like that.  While I need to nurture all of myself and everything in my life, I think balancing it all is the most important part for me and that brings to mind the Tarot card of Temperance...
About owning creativity...I think as an artist who tries to follow their inspiration I'm pretty good at tapping into my creativity.  While I do focus a lot on making and selling things a lot of my projects are just "neat ideas" that I want to try.  If it works of course I'm willing to sell it but sometimes I give stuff away or keep it.  I definitely need to do some work with getting my inner critic to be quiet or at least go away.  I'm still in the habit of constantly self-criticizing or downing myself and doing a lot of negative self-talk without meaning to.About owning spirituality...I'm pretty good at owning my spirituality, but my desire for control inhibits me trusting in the Great Divine sometimes.  (Okay a lot of times!)
About owning relationships...I try to be me, but then I try not to overwhelm people with my personality.  As I say, "I know how I can be" and I fear showing too much and daunting or scaring away a person just because they are taken off guard.  This comes back to bite me when it comes to intimate relationships because there come to be expectations that I am meek all the time or always polite or this or that and really I'm far from that...I definitely also need to learn to give and receive equally, and within that make known what I need so I can get that or move on.
About owning health...This might be the hardest one for me because as much of a healer as I am I seem to fall into the "martyr" category as a caregiver.  I am always concerned with the health and wellbeing of others but rarely myself.  Obviously the best way to help is to first set a good example.  A doctor who smokes like a chimney but tells you that you need to cut back/quit isn't someone I would likely listen to...so I need to be more mindful of that.  I know I have a hard time exercising because I just don't want to.  I'm not against it, but the idea of running or a gym is just blah for me.  I know I love to dance but then I'm also self conscious about how I look when I'm doing it.  But then it's about enjoying it not how you look so I need to work on releasing that frame of mind...
About owning your body...I think that being pregnant is definitely going to teach me something in this department.  While I'm used to being "slender" with an ample rack and small but proportionate butt, but now I have an even more superfluous chest area, larger butt, stretch marks (these will be the hardest to deal with if they stay :/), and who knows what else after he drops and I give birth.  I really don't think about my body though but I am rather body conscious (despite being a former exotic dancer) which seems rather ironic.  I almost could say that I don't really even think about my body, I just use it and only pay attention to it if applying make up, showering, or if something is wrong.  So this physical change that is coming is going to be interesting.  However, I recently read an article about a mom who had just given birth to her second child and wanted to get the jump on losing the weight and she expressed her own concerns about her body, the stretchmarks, and the "stretching out" of her body.  She chose to enter a bellydance class but held a hard time with it just because it seemed, with all the change that happened to her, that she wasn't able to do the exercises.  I definitely want to do the same and her thoughts are food for thought for me.
About owning sexuality...I can definitely say that I'm disconnected from intimacy and my sexuality.  I know I harbor this strange "secret fear" of orgasms.  I don't want to lose control or that's as close to it as I can come as far as explanation.  I think the other weird thing about my relationship with my sexuality is that I used to work within the "sex industry" (as an exotic dancer) but have this disjointed relationship with sex itself.  I mostly view it for procreative reasons only.  I don't necessarily get any direct pleasure out of it so not having it generally doesn't bother me at all.  Every now and then I get this "itch" but that's more when I'm not in a relationship (likely because finding another person takes a little more work than if I had a set partner.)  I wonder if there is something with my Sacral Chakra (and really I imagine there is) which is the source or at least a major contributing factor.  I think working with that area could help "re-balance" the relationship I have with my sexuality but I have kept putting it off.  Then there is the revelation I had a while ago about my horrible menstruation pain and where it was coming from.  For the longest time I had no medical answer, and no way to deal with it (unless I had a narcotic handy and that only would take the edge off or make me just "not care" because I was feeling spacey).  But I realized one day that I am a misogynist.  I knew it before and would even say it jokingly, but I never really thought about what that meant for me and my sexuality and the pains I would have.  I have a large natural distrust of women and few women friends.  I see the "behind the scenes" to the feminine in all its negative forms and while I don't doubt there are shadows within the masculine I'm not as privy to them as an outsider of that gender so they don't bother me as much if at all really.  I also have a spiritual guide who was deeply wronged by her "sisters" (a sort of sorority rather than biological relatives) and we relate and I think that's part of why she is with me...to help me not live through the same horrors she did.  But in realizing my issues with women and at the very least acknowledging them the pain has greatly lessened.  With learning Reiki, practicing a more holistic life style, etc I have had a LOT less troubles with the pain issue.  While it's not 100% gone it's nowhere near where it was before (so debilitating it could send me to the hospital, cause me to almost self harm - by hitting my head against the wall just to knock myself out out of desperation to get away from the pain!, take me out of school and work, and even bring on panic attacks...)  I also note that many of my "injuries" stem from the left side of the body, which is related to the feminine as well and I find this fact "interesting" to say the least.  To be quite frank I think perhaps developing trust with my sexuality, rather than viewing it as this foreign alien idea (maybe even regularly masturbating or exposing myself to sexual situations or stimuli might help me "warm up" to the idea...not sure).  But definitely doing things that make me feel sexy, which is going to take some thought because I don't really know what those things are...perhaps doing things I think are sexy myself, like bellydance...studying Tantra?, exploring sexual fantasies and playing "sex games" with my partner...I think that I should also not give up my dream to be a Suicide Girl.  I fit the bill and it would also help me with some of my exercise/body image goals, as well as allow me to express that part of myself without damaging my joints anymore!  (Although I totally miss doing pole tricks!)
About owning your money...(Definitely thinking I'm in for a mouthful here....as I know I struggle with owning my worth monetarily!)  The first point alone, the issue of realizing that money is just energy and the worth of giving as well as receiving is groundbreaking.  While I will accept various forms of exchange, depending on what for what and from whom, I understand the need for money all too well.  But I never really seriously thought of money as anything but money, frankly a necessary evil.  But I also respect that while sometimes I can't pay money because I'm not manifesting it regularly yet, others may have the same issue so I try to be understanding.  On the other hand, depending on the "work" I'm doing and who it's for and how much it will ultimately cost me to do it depends on how strongly or liberally I can deal with or without the money part.  Like shipping a package is fine, I'll "take the hit" financially.  But to have to buy all the supplies, then make whatever, and ship it all out of pocket with no compensation can be a bit much for me.  I definitely need to change my thoughts about how money comes to me.  Right now I view that I can only get it surely by working my ass off in an industry I really don't like in general.  I need to redirect it as coming to me through the means I do enjoy (like my businesses).  Trusting the Universe...there's a biggie...which means letting go of negative outcomes & thoughts...and taking steps...which are inhibited by holding onto those negative outcomes & thoughts.  I know I need to do this, but I'm not very good at mentally reprogramming myself.  Even taking this course, with as exciting as it is, with as absolutely stellar as the experience has been for me...I still am clinging to the "need" to have a "regular job"... :-/  I think it's slightly different now though because I want to pursue something related to that field, but I do have concerns that old "demons" will pop up if I get lazy and don't follow through with the education needs I want to meet...A lot of times when I decide to price things I think about A) What I want to make bottom line & B) What I would be willing to pay.  Sometimes I find these things are at odds (like recently I had someone ask for a sweater price and it came out to about 100.00 using the "cheaper" yarn option and I damn well know I wouldn't pay that much for a sweater...but I also know that there is no way I would find the kind of sweater I would make out of this yarn in any store...)
About owning the planet...I know I definitely want to go as green with my business as I can and I encourage others to do the same.  But I also know that some things (like having a car in my area) are somewhat unavoidable.  I can easily do some things but I haven't been really applying that part of my idea in any way so that's something to add to the mental "to do".  Going more green, if not completely, is also definitely something I am considering with my child on the way.  I have some health concerns though - like 100% no exposure to chemicals, as I know that he will run into them outside the home so that might end up being an instance of going "green-er" rather than 100% green.  But then I could just take my own soap, lotion, and handmade wipes with me rather than buying organic or natural stuff even.  I could also try to make a 100% green line in my store to promote it with others...I also know that I definitely want to start recycling and composting to deplete the amount that goes in my trashcan, and of course raise my son to be "eco conscious".
About owning your purpose...To a point I'm already doing this - by starting and holding on to my businesses I'm embracing my purpose!  Yay me!  In my business life, at least 90% of the time I am authentically me, which is just another reason why I love it so much and it brings me such joy.  I can be artist and healer and mommy and alternative person all at the same time without anything being compromised.  I do need to release attachments to outcomes though, I think it's inhibiting my ability to manifest to a point...
About owning me...This seemed pretty self explanatory....
Secret Sauce Writing Exercises
Owning Relationships:

• Do you feel like your friends know your authentic self?  Do you feel loved and accepted by them?  Can you let your freak flag fly around them?

The friends that I consider myself very close to and "best friends" get the whole me.  There are some things I don't talk about with certain people (like religion) but I don't hide it.  I feel that my "real friends" accept me and I can "let my freak flag fly" around them.

• What about your family?  Are you able to be yourself around them?

I'm not close to my family at all in general.  I consider myself as having only my dad, who I am slightly estranged from, my half-sister and half-brother.  I am myself with my sister, but rarely talk to my brother.  I think I can be myself around him and my dad, even though I think I might shock dad.

• Do you have a significant other?  If so, do you feel like you can really be YOU when you're with this person?

Yes.  I think my SO needs to get to know me better.  He seems to be a bit confused about me, but then as my friend Krystal says, I'm the oddest person she knows.  I think he's confused because he wants to put me in a box and I don't fit and while I don't think he means to be mean by it, he just doesn't understand me sometimes.

• If you don't have a significant other, do you wish you did?  Are you putting your true self out there?

Owning Spirituality:

• Are you a part of a spiritual community?  If so, do you feel like you can be yourself in this community?

Yes.  When I'm with others of like mind I'm definitely myself.  I feel safe and don't feel the need to hide anything about me, it's great!

• If you aren't part of a spiritual community, does your authentic self wish you were?  Or do you feel like you commune better with nature or by yourself?  Or do you not believe in anything spiritual?

Owning Your Body:

• Are you happy with how your body looks and feels?

As with seems to be the case with many women I'd like to change some things about my body.  The most notable thing is my stomach to be flatter.  For me it's a personal want, I would feel better about it.  Outside of that I don't really think about my body.

• Do you criticize your body often?

Not really.

• Have you ever had an eating disorder?

No, but I do have poor eating habits when I'm working (I forget to eat because I get so wrapped up in what I'm doing.)

Owning Your Health:

• Do you feel not just well, but vital?  If not, why not?

I don't think so, but I really don't do a lot that I feel energizes me.

• Do you have good energy levels?

I can work tirelessly on certain things, but with being pregnant I am finding myself being really tired a lot (which I know is normal).  I do feel that I could/should do more to energize myself, like getting out of the house, some exercise, and other uplifting things.

• Do you sleep well?

No.  I am troubled with insomnia frequently due to an overactive mind.  I think too much and it makes it harder to relax and go to sleep.

• Do you eat well?

As I said earlier, I tend to forget to eat.  Otherwise I eat fairly healthily.  I do eat "junk" sometimes, but I don't think I eat as poorly as I could.  I love to eat fresh fruit and veggies, don't eat an overabundance of meat though (so my protein and certain other nutrients are low.)  I love salt and sugar, but I tend to prefer things like pickles and vinegar or fruit and juice to satisfy those cravings (versus junk that's bad for me.)

• Do you exercise?

I don't anymore, but as a former dancer I used to get quit a bit at work.  I want to get back into dance as a form of exercise, particularly bellydance because it also helps one be in tune with one's body and feel sexy.

• Are you good at managing your stress?

No!  I usually block it out, or work myself to death to put it out of sight/out of mind or things like that.  I actually have a stress reduction & relaxation workbook that I want to finally crack open that I have been putting off, as well as a few books about "living simply".  I'm hoping that embracing my authentic self totally will help me manage these things though.

• If you answered "No" to any of these questions about your physical health, what steps might you take to change your answer to "Yes"?

See questions for answers.

• If you don't feel vital, what does the intuition of your authentic self tell you about what your body needs to reclaim its vitality?

Owning Sexuality:

• Are you happy with your sex life?  If you are, what do you love about it?  If not, what's missing?

What sex life...(although that's totally my fault, partner is more than willing).  I need to have more of it, but that requires me to get in touch with that part of myself on a level of comfort first.

• What does your authentic self really desire in bed?  (Send your inner critic to time out and be honest without yourself.)  Are you getting your needs met?

I'm not really sure, but definitely enjoyable sex for both parties.  I think the first step will be finding out what I want, and then more importantly communicating it.

• What do you fantasize about sexually?

Not in touch (pardon the pun) with myself in that way yet!

Owning Creativity:

• Do you feel like your creative juices are flowing?  How do you express yourself creatively?

Yes.  Through my art, my sense of style and decor.

• If you don't feel like you're expressing yourself creativity as much as you would like to, how would your authentic self like to express creativity?

Owning the Planet:

• Do you feel like you give back or help care for the planet?  Is your authentic self happy with how you serve the planet?  Do you wish you did more?  Less?  Don't judge it.  Just be honest with yourself.

I'm working on it.  Mostly having limited resources stops me but outside of that I have several things planned out...like recycling, composting, trying to go green-er.

Owning Your Purpose:

• Are you doing work you love?  (And by work, I'm not talking about getting paid, just to be clear.  If you're a stay-home parent that's DEFINITELY work.  If you're volunteering, that counts too.)

Right now yes, but when I'm working full time generally not.  I don't know how I'm going to feel about parenting yet (never been around a baby.)

• Does the work you're doing matter?

It matters to me.

• Do you feel like you're in touch with your life purpose?  Do you know why you're here on earth?  (This is a biggie.)

Yes.

Owning Your Money:

• How much money are you making?

Not enough...not as much as I'd like.

• Do you feel like you're underearning?

Yes, very much!

• Do you have issues with how much you're worth?  Do you undercharge people?  Have trouble asking for a raise?  Question your value?

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  I need to realize that what I do I put a lot of time and effort into and it IS worth being paid for.

Owning You:

• What's missing from your life in general?

Not sure...

• How might you fill any voids you feel in your life?

....?

Additional thoughts about owning my sexuality...I need to discover what turns me on, test it out, get comfortable with the concept of masturbation, discover my fantasies, test those out, get back to reading some erotica here and there (it's one of my "guilty pleasures"), talk about sexuality with my partner, explore and try new & different things, and do things that make me feel sexy...

Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 1 - Chapter 3...

Ecstatically I'm about to start Chapter 3, although I was hoping I could download the video it's set up as a web page so my computer is saying no :(.  So while I'm toddling around doing things (all I've done so far is finish up the post for Chapter 2 and make the bed) I'm going to have it playing...

I think one of the great benefits of my personality, life, choices, or whatever is that I naturally let my "freak flag fly".  Why I do this I don't really know - it just seemed natural for me to do.  I know I started it a lot more when I went to college because I had more freedom - I wasn't at home and I didn't have to answer to anyone, if I wanted to sleep in, go to class in my pjs, take a walk somewhere new, whatever I wanted to do I could go out and do it.  I could dress how I wanted, listen to and watch whatever I wanted and whatever anyone thought or said it didn't matter because I was finally free to be me!

• What does "letting your freak flag fly" mean to me?

I have to say that I agree with Lissa.  I think it means being your whole authentic self, unapologetically.  If you love plaid, wear it, who cares if it's tacky or doesn't match what else you're wearing!  It also means that you are not put into a box, you (like emotions) do not fit neatly into a little drawer with a concise label.  You may easily, like myself, take on many different roles that may exemplify certain personality traits while they dim down others, but that doesn't mean that all these pieces aren't you!  They most certainly are.  But also it means being integrated.  There shouldn't be this huge distinction between your roles or placements.  If you're goofy, you can be goofy all the time.  It doesn't mean to be rude or insensitive (like when it calls to be more somber) but you don't have to be serious all the time!

During the meditation I asked myself, "Where did I go - that person she was."  She said, "You grew up."  To me this means I let go of who I want to fall into a box and conform to "adulthood".
I asked, "How do I get back to who you are?"  She said, "You don't, you can't go back in time, too much has changed.  But you don't have to sacrifice who and what you are to be anything.  You are confident, capable, and as I can see on fire with energy to manifest and create whatever you want no matter what other people think or say!"

While at first that second answer started out disheartening, knowing that I could reclaim that "free & wild" part of myself and embrace it while still following my dreams was important to hear and find out.

As I listen to Lissa relate the story of her volunteer work I think to myself that I can't quite recall a time where I had to quell my inner voice.  However I'm sure in my younger years, after I initially had my dreams thwarted I'm sure I was always quieting that voice that told me to do this or that and didn't even realize it.

Tips for Letting Your Freak Flag Fly:

I haven't gone through these just yet but I have a feeling that I'm already on my way to doing some of these things so that's nice to know.

1. Ask yourself - honestly - how do you want to dress/act/behave/be?  I really feel that I do this for the most part already.  I have a tendency to run towards the "gothic" look, but it isn't the only way I dress.  Sometimes I look like Betty Crocker or Susie Homemaker, all "normal".  However, when I feel the need to dress a certain way to a point it's to fit in, but while I may blend, you can't hide my "funky" aura, or the prolific, colorful, and even large tattoos I have (and I don't really want to - except for when I'm trying to look bland and apply for some job).  While I range from many different personas it seems depending on where I am and how comfortable I am there I am generally also myself in this department too.  When I'm in a new place or around unfamiliar people and surroundings I tend to keep to myself and "feel" the place out.  Part of this is a safety factor - I don't want to be misjudged - and while I can see that this is my holding my authentic self back I don't do it to the point where I feel I'm stifling myself.  Once I've been around someone or some place once a second go around has me a lot more open.  I still "hold back" things that I don't think would be accepted, but again it's a protective measure.  Eg.  I wouldn't talk about my religion in a Christian hospital.
2. Release your concerns about what "everybody" thinks.  I see that I have made reference to this "everybody" before in the first step.  My "everybody" = strangers who don't know anything about me (who shouldn't matter because they don't know anything about me so who are they to judge), my mother (who is now dead and gone and made her judgments based on what easily was lack of or false information), my ex-boyfriend (who constantly would berate everything I did in subtle ways).  I'm sure there were some well meaning people in there that echoed those three major voices, but likely were working on lack of or false information, or their own bad experiences.
3. Look in the closet and assess whether your wardrobe really lets your freak flag fly.  Honestly for the most part it does.  Right now it's cut down a bit due to my ever expanding belly and just not being able to fit my clothing.  Most of which is funny shirts and a good number of them tight, tiny, and black.  Anything I don't have revolves around a lack of funds and a general distaste towards buying clothing!  As soon as I have the funds I will definitely go shopping for more neat clothes though!
4. Unleash your heart.  I try to follow my heart whenever I can.  The most reticence I have I express by saying, that I feel I need to do whatever and I just take whatever reaction I get.
5. Follow your bliss.  I honestly think this step is going to take a bit of work because I'm so used to doing for others.  But I have gotten better in recent years, making attempts to "do me" sometimes rather than always do for others.
6. Surround yourself with others who fly their freak flags.  This step also might be difficult, but easier than the previous one because I at least will have the community.
7. Make a list of things you feel tempted to do, but don't.  I'm definitely going to have to come back to this one, mull it over throughout this chapter...
8. Spend time in silence, so you can hear the inner voice that tells you how your freak flag wants to fly.  Again, I think this will take some time since I'm what I would not say "half out of the box".
9. Attend gatherings where others are letting their freak flags fly.  Must find places that match this description...(will ask Lissa for help!)

Reflecting on what I've had to say about these steps it seems that I was jumping ahead of myself a bit to think that I wasn't as timid as I thought I was.  But this reflection was definitely useful in showing me the "cracks" as it were that I wasn't seeing because I preferred to see a polished, pretty surface!

Secret Sauce Writing Exercise

• What would you do if you let your freak flag fly?

Honestly I don't know off hand.  Since I'm half way there already I figure I'd be that much more there once I "jumped all the way in" versus dipping my feet in the water.  I think I might definitely shock and confuse people, only much more openly I suppose.

• What rules do you follow that you would break if you had your druthers?

I find myself to be really polite, even when I don't want to be for the sake of not having to deal with negative reactions.  While I don't think this is necessarily bad sometimes it is a bit much because it causes "civil unrest" within my soul because I don't always want to be nice to people who annoy the piss out of me!  (There I said it!)  I tend towards trying to keep the peace and keep things under control and do the right thing, even when I see people all around me doing whatever the hell they want and I kind of think to myself, "Why can't I do that?!"  But I know it's all about choice and there's no one stopping me but me...I'm sure I could think of other things but nothing else comes to mind just yet....

• What things do you do because you think you "should", rather than because you really want to?

For the longest time I thought I had to go to school and had to work a full time job in a "respectable" place.  I have since dropped out of college and quit a number of places that made me unhappy to work.  I am still struggling with the work part because of financial reasons.  I need/want a new car, car insurance, my cell phone on, my business phone on, and health insurance, as well as to tackle my mountain of debt.

• What would you do if you didn't give a hoot what anyone thought?

I'm not really sure.  Again this is something that I am so unused to thinking about that I don't have a lot of answers.  I know I'm on the precipice about ready to just jump into the chasm of faith and good will with my two businesses and I know for sure I'd do that.

• What boxes do people try to put you in?

I think people expect and want me to be "Miss Mary Sunshine" sometimes, or submissive to their will.  They seem to think that just because I accept people for who they are and don't ask or demand people change to suit me that I'm okay with changing to suit them.  Or they presume that because when they first met me I kept to myself that is how I would always be.  Or maybe they met me when I was in a particular mood and they expected that I was like that 100% of the time.  (I'm a really moody creature and everything depends on my mood - if I'm not in the mood for it it ain't gonna happen!)

• What could you do to get yourself out of the box or strip off your masks so you have room to spread your wings and let your true self be seen?

I think the best and only true answer for me is for me to be myself.  When people try to "typecast" me they can try all they want, till they're blue in the face, but if the truth is there in front of them proving to them that I will not be what they wish me to be - only what I choose to be then eventually it'll get through to them.  Or they'll just remain in denial, or they will choose not to deal with/be around me and that's okay with me.

Playwork:  Give Yourself a Gift

• What did you give yourself?  What does it mean?

A balance (as in an "old school" scale).  First off I have received this as a spirit gift before, though I can't recall the exact circumstances.  Secondly on to what it means...obviously balance, pure and simple.  To me this means that I have to have my life in order, I have to be on track and doing what I need to be doing with my life according to me rather than everyone else.  I believe that if I embrace the life I'm supposed to live that "everything will work out as it should".  I think working against the natural and what is to be is part of what causes disruption in our lives.

I just finished reading two articles that were suggested reading from the Owning Pink blog about masks and being your authentic self and I just realized one such fearful instance I went through.  While I was with my ex he would repeatedly tell me how much of a waste of time my business was because "it wasn't making money".  I had literally just started it officially a year into my relationship with him, I wasn't advertising like I should and not a lot of people knew about me or what I was selling - so how could I just start from scratch and immediately hit the jackpot?!  People would at least have needed to know about me.  While I totally know and realize this now I took his criticisms and didn't question them as "just his negative thoughts" and even made excuses for how poorly I was treated because I didn't measure up to whatever ruler he put next to me.

A thought I just had while reflecting on perfectionism and being authentic, which has come up on the comment section of the group today, when you live authentically you don't have to wear masks to suit anyone.  Because you're putting it "all out there" you don't have dirty little secrets that you are ashamed of, you are 100% you and that serves as armor against the critics of the world - because being real can't be torn down!

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It seems that I lost some of my edits about finishing up this chapter :(

I read through the last three articles for this chapter and I find that I have trouble being consistent in my authenticity as well.  While I feel myself to be mostly "an emotional creature" there are some parts of myself that I chose not to show in certain situations for fear of ridicule, and to avoid any "trouble" that I may have to deal with.  Unfortunately this is something I think that will definitely take some work on my part because that fear is going to take some grappling with because I've held it for so long.

Because I'm an artist though and I identify that station as related to "being yourself" I feel I do a pretty good job letting my freak flag fly.  The only issue might be that again sometimes I coerce myself into a box for the sake of sparing my feelings.  But that's a defense mechanism.  When I'm myself I'm generally myself.

The other hard part for me to deal with will be silencing that inner critic.  It sounds like a myriad of people throughout my life and expertly echoes all of my concerns and worries that I fear from other people.  I think that being proud of who and what I am, and accepting that I am what I am fully will be best for me.




Embracing my dreams one day at a time!

Module 1 - Chapter 2...

Reflecting on the masks I wear...at first I wanted to say o no I don't do that, but as I read of the "Doctor Mask" I thought to myself that more than likely I was in fact doing it I just wasn't in touch with that fact.  I try my best to be my authentic self all the time now, but there are some things I don't go into with certain groups of people.  I think for me, "facets" is a better word than masks as these pieces seem more like fragments than full personas....

My facets...

• I don't discuss my religious beliefs with people outside of my faith.  I feel often it makes others uncomfortable and I have no wish to have my beliefs scrutinized or chastised.  You believe what you want I'll believe what I want and we can get along just fine leaving it at that.
• She of the ink and alternative life style....When we're talking just regular art I don't mind this facet turning up, but if it's got anything to do with my business I keep her locked up.  While I'm not ashamed of my physical image and expression I know all too well that others - from a professional standpoint - just do not understand and cannot reconcile someone who appears "gothic" to be capable of anything outside of what that entails to them.
• Salem - The Exotic Dancer/Model:  This is definitely a full on "other" person.  She is me amplified but missing some of my "good" traits.  She isn't patient or overly kind.  She's caustically sarcastic and has a wicked sense of humor.  While intelligent she feigns mediocrity in an outright deceptive fashion because it didn't suit her to be anything but a "doll" at work.  Because "dancers" are stupid girls meant only to be visually pleasing...She takes no shit from anyone.  If she doesn't like you she'll plain as day say it to your face and dare you to defy her opinion of you.  She strong and empowered, even if she's dressed in a slip of a skirt, bikini top, and 8" heels.  She's overly aggressive.
• Salem - the Richmonder/College Student:  She's reasonably intelligent, from a small town, and has big aspirations.  She likes to go out an party sometimes, hang out with friends and such.  Sometimes she has a hard time in school though - is absolutely horrid at math - and originally she came to Richmond, Virginia to go to school for forensic science and anthropology with a minor in Russian.  She's ambitious and wants to "do it all" but isn't sure what that "all" is.
• Aradia & Naware - The Businesswoman:  She's professional, cordial, never late, never makes a mistake, always has everything perfect in your order, etc.  She deals with people because she wants their money even if she doesn't particularly like them.  She's overly patient when she probably needs to put her foot down for fear of missing out on money.  She'll bend over backwards to try to make the sale, even if it seems to come off as desperate (and she'll have no idea of that even).  I also realize that I do have this thought that as an artist I must be "starving" (meaning I'm not successful until I'm dead!)
• Alana - The Healthcare Worker:  Never late to work she's always there.  She never takes vacations, and while she doesn't work overtime she works more than her share when she is at work.  If you need a hand, even if she can't stand you she'll help you, because she appreciates having help when she needs it.  She always does her work alone and rarely bothers to ask for help because it's just easier to grit her teeth and do it herself.  She efficient as hell though and once she gets settled at work gets her work done lickety split...freeing her up to help anyone who has decided to slack off...She doesn't like anyone at work but gets along with everyone, she never complains about co-workers or patients.  She'll take whatever you throw at her and do her work narry a complaint.  But inside she's dying, she hates her job, most of her coworkers and many of her patients.  She feels unappreciated and when she goes home she likes to "drown her sorrows".  Sometimes it gets so bad that she doesn't eat or sleep, and she becomes excessively crabby and irritable.
• Alana - The Girlfriend/Fiance/Wife:  She's everything you always wanted her to be, she's overly protective and doting, and don't forget accommodating.  If you need something she's likely already done it.  You want sex, she's ready to go, you want to cuddle that's fine too.  She gives of herself freely.  But inside sometimes she wants space, but she doesn't get it.
• Alana & Salem - The Dedicated Friend:  She's always there, regardless of what time of day.  If you need an ear you can call her and she'll listen gladly.  She always seems to know the right thing to say and will advise you day after day after day.  She's forever putting herself out there to be available for whoever needs her.  She'll literally drop whatever she's doing to help you out however she can and if she can't she's got a long list of other people who might be able to.  You've called her every night this week and she still answers and still manages to have some sage advice.  She never has issues, she never breaks down, but she's always there for everyone else...

One thing is for sure, when I'm doing my art or working in alternative healing I feel more like myself.  Sometimes I curse, and while most times I'm professional, I'm not stodgy.  I try to be myself and relax into those roles but maintain a certain level of decorum for professionality's sake.

Secret Sauce Writing Exercises

1.  What roles do you play in your life?


mother-to-be, girlfriend, big sister, artist, healer, writer, businesswoman, soldier, college drop-out, CNA, exotic dancer, nude model, friend, pagan, clergy, oracle, student, teacher


2.  Are you completely authentic in all of your roles?  Which masks do you wear?


Unfortunately I can quite easily say that I am not authentic in all of my roles.  While they all represent a part of me it's just a piece.  I draw strict lines between many of my facets because I don't want any negative press with one of them to pass over into another one.  While I won't say they are masks exactly there is some personality distortion, especially when it comes to my roles as a professional and as a dancer.

Playwork:  Decorate Your Masks

(I'm fully planning on doing this part but it may have to wait awhile.  I've done a positive exercise akin to this but don't have the same resources that I used to - I used to have a full box of clippings from National Geographic and other magazines.  I will post pictures of some of the masks when I make them before I get rid of them.)

Reading Izzie's story I feel myself nodding as well.  Only in my case I'm just now 26 and have a lot going on in my life - as does she - and yet I feel like I have barely (if at all) accomplished anything.

Another funny thing that comes to mind...while I have been struggling throughout these several months/weeks of the end of my pregnancy despair seems to have moved into my home.  He keeps me company more than I'd like to be sure...I have been endlessly (it seems) going to one of my best friends over and over about things on my mind, from relationship issues, mothering/pregnancy/child issues, issues with home life (eg the roommates), work issues, my path, religion, my art etc.  And one thing she has recently said to me was that, "You are the most unique person I know."  I chuckled when I first heard her say that, but I understood what she meant immediately.  While I am one thing I am simultaneously another thing that doesn't seem to fit with that other trait.  While I am extremely compassionate across the board, I seem to have little patience or tolerance for certain things.  To the point even where I can get enraged.  A compassionate healer, enraged?  Doesn't seem to make much sense, especially if you witness the depth of which I'll go to help another person...and not even necessarily someone I like or want to help!  So the moral of this anecdote is that I do anything but fit neatly into a box, much like Izzie.  While I've secretly known this all my life, it's not the life I've lived and it leads me to suddenly understand part of why I've had the struggles I have.  To put a square peg in a round hole just doesn't work!

One of the things said about joining the fragmented pieces of the self we all have caused me to think...When I tell people all of my dreams - from being a Bellydance Instructor, Massage Therapist, Yoga Instructor, Artist, Businesswoman, Gardener, Herbalist, Alternative Healer (and varied modalities within that umbrella), Clergy Member, Counselor/Therapist, Holistic Nurse/Nurse Pracititioner - they always tell me, "that's a lot to do".  But to me it's really not.  Most of the training isn't related necessarily but none of it is very long, depending on the route you take, but it all most certainly can be joined together.  It is a sign of my mind that I can see this while others cannot and reminds me of when I went to a tattoo artist to get my back piece drawn up.  Originally I had just some ideas floating around in my head, but they were definitely solid concepts and all of it reflected my belief system and how diverse it is.  While to someone else it seems as though it makes no sense, while varied it makes perfect sense to me...I practice it after all!  The first artist, after I spoke with him about it a number of times said "I can't do it."  He didn't really give me a reason but I was certainly miffed and felt that he could have said so sooner so I could have found someone else.  After that experience I started doing some of my own doodles, gathering solid references for my artist to use and shopped around, deciding to go to another person who had worked on me before hoping for better results this time.  I made several appointments, met with him, handed him my samples, was willing to give him artistic license as long as the elements were all there and he had my entire back as a canvas even.  And while I'm small there was more than enough room.  Weeks passed an appointment to get it started finally came, and he called me telling me he was sick and had to cancel, so I rescheduled....and then he cancelled again tell me thing time that "it didn't flow, it didn't make sense".  What the hell?!  Firstly, he really didn't need to understand why these pieces were there or put together, and honestly I gave a schematic so style and sizing was all he had to do and he - a professional who'd been doing this for years upon years couldn't come up with something?!  I was pretty pissed honestly.  So I did even more research this time to the point where I drew it up myself to scale complete with a color theme mapped out in my head and everything.  I raised a couple hundred dollars (the last quote I was given was 400.00) and literally with my little sketch in hand walked into a random parlor several hours before a shift I was going to work at the club I danced at and explained, briefly, my struggle to find an artist.  I ended with, honestly it's not that hard, and I've got it all mapped out, I just need someone to do it - and I've got 400.00 in my pocket, do you have anyone who'll take on the "challenge"?  Aptly curious the guy behind the counter asked to see it, called over an artist and about 2 hours later I was nice and outlined...all that work for something so simple!

The final part of this chapter - the shamanic journey - I'm going to attempt to do right before bed just now (as soon as I download it to my iPod so I can lie down in bed and do it) but if that doesn't work I'll be trying again tomorrow and I'll post the results here...

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I did the shamanic journey just before bed and it definitely yielded some interesting results.  Not even realizing what it would entail as soon as I got started I felt several messages being given to me in the form of several different animals popping into my head.  While I have journeyed before on my own and independently in search of something (rather than guided in this instance) it was definitely interesting to have that happen!

Stone Allies:  (these references are from my own personal impressions with "Other notes" being from Judy Hall's Crystal Bible)

• Amethyst - relates to the two head chakras, the Third Eye & Crown Chakras.  This stone is associated with dreams and psychic insight, as well as being one of the general stones frequently used in healing.  Powerful protective stone with a high spiritual vibration, guards against psychic attack, natural tranquilizer, blocks geopathic stress and negative environment energies, enhances higher states of consciousness and meditation, healing, cleansing, enhances spiritual awareness.  Helps sobering of overindulgence, overcomes addictions and blockages, can calm or stimulate the mind (as appropriate), can help you feel less scattered, more focused and in control of yourself, enhances assimilation of new ideas, connects cause & effect, facilitates decision-making, helps with common sense and spiritual insights, puts decisions/insights into practice, calms and synthesizes the mind, helpful for those with insomnia that is caused by an overactive mind, protects against recurring nightmares, enhances memory, improves motivation, allows you to set realistic goals, helpful in dream recall.  Balances out highs and lows leading to the centering of your emotions, dispels anger, rage, fear, and anxiety, helps with sadness and grief, supports one coming to terms with loss.  Promotes love of the divine, gives insights into nature, selflessness, spiritual wisdom, opens intuitions, enhances psychic gifts.
• Clear Quartz - is an energizing and uplifting stone, and can be used to "power up" other stones or general things.  Other notes:  most powerful healer and energy amplifier, absorbs, stores, releases, and regulates energy, great for unblocking it, takes ones energy to the most natural state possible, cleanses and enhances the organs and subtle bodies, deep soul cleanser, connects the physical to the mental.  Works on all levels of being, dissolves karmic seeds, enhances psychic abilities, attunes you to your spiritual purpose, aids concentration, unlocks memory.
• Rose Quartz - relates to the Heart Chakra, the chakra that deals with love and compassion.  Other notes:  the stone of unconditional love and infinite peace, most important crystal to the heart and Heart Chakra, teaches the true essence of love, purifies and opens the heart, bring deeper inner healing and self-love, calming, reassuring, good for use in trauma & crisis.  Can be used to draw love and relationships (although you may need Amethyst to calm this drawing power if it becomes too much), in existing relationship it restores trust, harmony, and encourages unconditional love.  Gently removes negative energy to replace it with positive loving energy, strengthens empathy, sensitivity, and helps in making necessary change, great stone for mid-life crisis.  Enhances positive affirmations, promotes receptivity to beauty of all kinds, great emotional healer.  Allows one to release unexpressed emotions and heartache, transmutes emotional conditions that no longer serves, soothes internalized pain, heals deprivation, opens your heart to receive love, comforting to those who have loved & lost, encourages self-forgiveness, acceptance, and invokes self-trust and self-worth.
• Blue Spinel - relates to the Throat Chakra, the chakra of creative expression and communication.  Other notes:  connected with energy renewal, encouragement in difficult circumstances, and rejuvenation, opens the chakras and facilitates movement of kundalini energy up the spine, enhances positive effects of the personality, aids in achieving and accepting success with humility.  Blue Spinel specifically stimulates communication and channeling, calming of sexual desire, and opens & aligns the Throat Chakra.

At first I thought the first three stones suggested to me were just generic things that didn't necessarily have real meaning.  Spinel, while I'd heard of it I had none and never have worked with.  So I looked that one up first.  However, as I read on past that entry I was amazed to see that a lot of the things I'm struggling with were covered by the stones "given" to me.  Such as communication issues, dealing with a relationship, helping insomnia, and general energy issues.  While I have had this occur to me before - me being given a symbol for healing for whatever purpose without knowing at first anything about the symbol - it still amazes me!

Plant Allies:   (these references are from my own personal impressions with "Other notes" being from Ted Andrews' Nature-Speak & Scott Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs)

• Aloe - aids in general healing, particular superficial scrapes of the skin, as a succulent it also deals with storing water.  Other notes:  time to heal and smooth over irritations.  Part of the Lily family, great healer for burns.  Protective, guards against evil influences, prevents household accidents, brings good luck.  Are you being too sensitive or ignoring your sensitivities?
• Blueberry - harnessing one's "juciness".  Other notes:  Help keep undesirables from entering your home or away from your property, protects against evil, good for psychic attack.
• Cactus - lends to have a "tough" exterior while still maintaining a "juicy center", helps with retaining water (one of vital needs of our bodies), the coupling of "ferocity" and delicate beauty (with their spines and flowers).  Other notes:  adaptation, finding and expressing beauty and strength in all conditions.  Allows one to find the power within to manifest without despite one's surroundings, protection, chastity, absorb negativity.
• Echinacea - general healer, great for immunity.  Other notes:  strengthens spells.
• Raspberry - helpful with "women" troubles.  Other notes:  Relates to the Feminine, planet Venus, element Water, protection & love.  Used to ward away the return of spirits after their death, love inducing, carried by pregnant women to alleviate the pains of pregnancy & childbirth.
• Coltsfoot - Other notes:  Relates to the Feminine, planet Venus, element Water, Love & Visions.  For peace and tranquility, for love sachets.

As with the last bit I was a little surprised with some of the plant allies.  Most notably the Cactus, however upon reading just the keynote associated with it I could immediately see how it was needed in my life!

Animal Allies:   (these references are from my own personal impressions with "Other notes" being from Ted Andrews' Animal Speak & Animal-Wise, and http://www.linsdomain.com)

• Kangaroo - nine month cycle (funny because I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy and have been working steadily on my businesses throughout it), only moving forward, the balancing of creative energies and the need to commit once the creation cycle - initial nine months - is complete.
• Jack Rabbit - Other notes:  Fertility, new life.  Associated with Hekate, the sense of being, relates to the Moon, luckiest sign in Chinese Astrology, ambition, finesse, virtue, ability to procreate, fleetness, makes great leaps & hops, active during the day and night - mostly around dawn & dusk, associated with the Faery, one of the most common prey animals - along with the mouse, cycle of manifestation = 28 days (roughly a month), the need to plan for possibilities, to learn about quick changes in movement - from stillness to great speed, try a vegetarian diet to help strengthen your connection with this totem and your own health - even if only briefly.
• Sparrow - Other notes:  Awakening and triumph of common nobility.  Lives everywhere (adaptability), symbol of triumph after long suffering, symbol of household divinities and peasants/lower classes, shows you how to survive, awakens a sense of dignity and self-worth, helps awaken the heart and throat chakras.  Are you allowing others to take your dignity?  Have you forgotten your own self-worth?  Have you begun to think that you would always be under the heel of some tyrant - human or social?
• Frog - amphibian, connected to Earth and Water, transformation, song.  Other notes:  Transformation through water and sound.  Associated with water, links to water and land - associate with the magic of both elements, linked to Faeries & Elves, rain, control of the weather, lunar energies & Moon goddesses, Herit, abundance, fertility, cleaning up dirtied waters, empathy, sensitivity to the emotional state of others, cleansing, healing, growth, flooding, stirring, symbol of coming into one's own creative power, strong ties to the mother, interest in non-mainstream music, use of the voice to call for rain, change, and stir the emotions.  Are you becoming too mundane?  Are you becoming mired in the mud of your day-to-day life?  Are you needing to dive into some fresh creative water?  Are those around you?  Are you feeling waterlogged, becoming bogged down, or drowning in emotions?
• Dog - loyalty, courage, pack mentality.  Other notes:  Faithfulness, protection.  Something small becoming great, guardian, relates to the Underworld, symbol of motherhood, strength of spirit, ability and willingness to love.
• Deer - a prey animal, swiftness, vulnerability, family/clan mentality.  Other notes:  Gentleness and innocence, gentle luring into new adventure.  Highly adaptable, one of the most successful families of animals, very important and prolific in mythology, a return to the wilderness, connection to higher forms of attunement, the need to pay attention to inner thoughts and perceptions, growth and expansion for as long as the next five years, heightened perception, connection of the family unit - especially mother to child, mother plays most significant role in child's life, enhanced ability to detect subtle movements and hearing - especially things that are indirectly said, time to be gentle with yourself and others, a new innocence and freshness about to be born.  Are you trying to force things?  Are others?  Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself?
• Mouse - pests, prolific breeders, good at not being seen, quick, foragers/survivors.  Other notes:  Attention to detail.  While there is attention to detail in some areas there is neglect in others, the need to pay attention to details - especially for the next 5-6 weeks (which is what is left of my pregnancy...).  Are you taking care of the trivial but necessary things in life?  Are you getting so lost in the big dreams that you are neglecting other areas of your life?  Are you becoming so focused on one or two activities that you are neglecting to see other opportunities?  Are you missing what is right in front of you?  Is there something obvious that you are missing or need to focus on?  Are you trying to do too many things at once and thereby scattering your energies?
• Snake - fire, Kundalini, the world, creation, present on the wand of Asclepius & Hermes' Staff (caduceus).  Other notes:  Rebirth, resurrection, initiation, wisdom.  Transformation, healing, Quetzalcoatl, alchemy, wisdom expressed through healing, symbol of Hermes, modern medicine, water, the underworld, sexuality, kundalini, compassion, forgiveness, superstitiousness, possessiveness, inner sight, control of the universe, wisdom, understanding, death, higher wisdom, trances, new knowledge leads to death & rebirth allowing one to see things from a different perspective, accurate marksmen, learning opportunities coming now, the art of mesmerization, looking into the heart and soul of others, change.  Are you needing to make changes but aren't for some reason?  Are you trying to force change too quickly?  Are you striking out at people and shouldn't?  Are you  not striking and should?  What is needing to be healed?  What new opportunities are surfacing that you need to strike out for and take advantage of?  Do things really smell right around you?  Make sure that you are very discriminating about what you say and to whom - and with what you involve yourself?
• Spider - significance of the number 8, creation, magick, weaving, hunter.  Other notes:  Creativity, the weaving of Fate.  Associated with Maya - weaver of illusion, the Fates, Grandmother - links past & future, relates to the number 8, teaches you to maintain balance - past & future/physical & spiritual/male & female, interconnectedness, the Wheel of Fortune, creativity, the spiral - a symbol of creativity, we are the keepers of our own destiny, the fact that we create our own "world", spider teaches language and the magic of writing, death & rebirth, relates to the Moon, combination of gentleness and strength.  Are you moving toward a central goal or are you scattered and going in multiple directions?  Is everything staying focused?  Are you becoming too involved and/or self-absorbed?  Are you focusing on others' accomplishments and not on your own?  Are you developing resentment because of it - for yourself or them?  Are you not weaving your dreams and imaginings into reality?  Are you not using your creative opportunities?  Are you feeling closed in or stuck as if in a web?  Do you need to pay attention to your balance and where you are walking in life?  Are others out of balance around you?  Do you need to write?  Are you inspired to write or draw and not following through?
• Slug - slowness, sliminess.  Other notes:  Movement to light, increasing fertility and divination.  Symbolizes the male seed, touch, sexual union, the path of the Hermit or Adept, opening to a higher vision, the journey to become a new being, recognizing our inner illumination, reminds us that there are no shortcuts, be gentle with your joints, if you ask properly you will receive, one can do more than one thinks physically.  Are you staying cloaked, afraid to come out and express your inner talents?  Are you trying to do too much too soon?  Are we not moving out on our own path?  Are we locked into the paths others, rather than pursuing our own?  Are we ignoring our own illuminations?  Do we need to trust in our own ability to create?

Again I am amazed at some of the messengers I received.  While some (the rabbit, slug, mouse, and of course dog) I have seen as of late, others I am not familiar with and seemed "odd" at the time.  But as I read I saw the wisdom of these animals and their messages that I needed for this time in my life.

The final direction of the journey was to receive a message.  For me I saw an orca and it said:  Sing your song.  While I can seem some immediate relevance to this statement I'm sure more will be revealed with time.

This is definitely an exercise I will want to repeat!


Embracing my dreams one day at a time!